Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a chance to move in with retiired inlaws. Considering this as one of them is having health issues and we want to spend time with them. Its a long flight away but the housing and school situation would be nice.

We have a good relationship but I wonder if anyone has been in a situation like this? What is it like having inlaws in the same house, especially for the children? I'm afraid of them spoiling the kids and disrupting their routines, as there has been signs of this during the contacts we've had so far. Do the benefits still outweigh the downsides?

You're not "in the same house" you're in THEIR house.

Think about that very very carefully. The disruption will go much farther than spoiling the kids and interrupting nap time.

This. They will want to keep their normal routines and probably balk at you changing much.

Anonymous wrote:This has a high likelihood of disaster.

My sister and her husband moved in with his parents. They have no kids so no issues of spoiling kids, etc. It seemed like a good deal for all parties until the mom and dad really started to go downhill. My sister had not really contemplated what being a true caregiver would entail. Plus, she still works and it became clear the parents needed help during the day. My sister was totally freaked out about random caregivers being in and out of her home while she was at work. Honestly, I think my sister was totally naive. Perhaps not having children made it even harder for her to realize what true caregiving looks like.

You are the woman so be ready to bathe your MIL, clean up both their puke, lift them up off the floor.

Not true. My brother did all this for my mother. You are familiar with male nurses, right?

Anonymous wrote:We have a chance to move in with retiired inlaws. Considering this as one of them is having health issues and we want to spend time with them. Its a long flight away but the housing and school situation would be nice.

We have a good relationship but I wonder if anyone has been in a situation like this? What is it like having inlaws in the same house, especially for the children? I'm afraid of them spoiling the kids and disrupting their routines, as there has been signs of this during the contacts we've had so far. Do the benefits still outweigh the downsides?

You're not "in the same house" you're in THEIR house.

Think about that very very carefully. The disruption will go much farther than spoiling the kids and interrupting nap time.

Anonymous wrote:What kind of posters write 10 paragraph responses like the one above? I’d love to know the profile of this type of poster.

I also wonder what her life is like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of posters write 10 paragraph responses like the one above? I’d love to know the profile of this type of poster.

Oh noes, giving a thoughtful response including examples from the poster's own life! How dare that poster!

So someone with A LOT of free time, a full sized keyboard, and a lack of other people to talk to?

I would do it but only if it were possible to make a complete in-law apartment with a kitchen, sitting area, and bathroom. It might be worthwhile to build one!

This sounds like a disaster. Find a house nearby.

Anonymous wrote:What kind of posters write 10 paragraph responses like the one above? I’d love to know the profile of this type of poster.

Oh noes, giving a thoughtful response including examples from the poster's own life! How dare that poster!

What kind of posters write 10 paragraph responses like the one above? I’d love to know the profile of this type of poster.

I’d only do this if my house was physically gone and even then I’m not sure.. and I say this about both my parents and my in-laws.

First, old people can get cranky and nasty when they have health problems. I want to be able to leave when I need to, and more importantly have my kids leave when needed. These health problems won’t be sweet grandma sitting quietly in a chair, I can guarantee that.

Second, your marriage dynamics will change. You may be less willing to be as openly affectionate with your spouse or talk/joke about things in front of the parents. Do you want that? Your parents will know how your marriage is going for better or worse. If you and your husband have a real good night in bed and wake up glowing, they’ll know. If you and your husband have a knock-down fight, they’ll know. Again, do you want that? I don’t, and my family is open about sex?

How old are the kids? What happens if they develop interests the older folks disapprove of, healthy appropriate interests but interests that grandpa or grandma don’t think “are right for a girl” or “right for a boy”? My dad was very much against having our daughter do karate, now he’s proud of her. He also wanted our other kid to “keep going with band” when the band program at the kid’s school literally had her in tears. His response was “make her stick with it”, mine was “she shouldn’t be coming home in tears after each and every band practice” so that was the end of band. We could have had some nasty fights over all these issues. We didn’t I think because we don’t live together. What about if your kids want a pet, and you want a pet but Grandma doesn’t?
What about when an appliance breaks down? Our washer broke during covid. I was literally in tears over it. My husband thought my dad could comfort me and so he had me talk to my dad. My dad told me to “be ready, there are shortages” and that got me thinking. I went to Lowes and had a washer delivered the next day. When I told my dad, he got real quiet and said “I didn’t think that could happen, I was so sure it couldn’t be done, I’m real proud of you”.

What about money and how it’s spent or not spent? My parents didn’t believe in having an hvac contract for years and years, they told us we were throwing money away.. until their hvac broke and the only way to get a competent person to fix it was to sign a contract with a company. Now they love their contractor and praise him on Facebook.

What about if they have or acquire friends you don’t like? My parents have a friend I won’t allow near my kids, and I’ve told my husband “We won’t fight, we’ll just leave” if this person shows up when we happen to be there. For adults who are smart kind people, they are idiots around this friend, and they can do that, just as I can leave when needed.
What if your kids want a pet, and you agree? My mom doesn’t want dogs around the grandkids since one of my kids was bitten by a dog when she was little. That same kid begged us for a dog and happily sleeps with him in bed every night. My mom likes the dog, I don’t think she’d have agreed to us getting him if she had a say in the matter which she didn’t because we don’t live there.


What if something happens that makes you rethink how you and your husband want to do life. My husband worked in a scif for a time. Then I had a miscarriage and I couldn’t deal with the scif anymore. I finally convinced him to work from home or semiremote which he did. My parents wouldn’t have understood that, they worked in offices their entire careers, they also had a baby die, they simply aren’t able to grasp why our loss impacted me in the way it did, and some of this is generational, nobody worked from home in the 1970’s, you simply couldn’t have had that discussion when they lost their baby. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to have these discussions around my parents, they were too emotional and raw.

What about the house when the in-laws die or sell it? Will you get it and will that cause a fight between siblings? Think very carefully here, grief and houses are a real bad mix.. add in some sibling fights that never really got resolved and it will get ugly.


Good luck, op. I’d not do this, partly because I don’t like the location where both my parents and in-laws live, partly because I like my parents and in-laws and I don’t want to be up close and personal with them on the daily, nor do I want them up close and personal with me.

Anonymous wrote:This wins for the most vague post of the week.

Not only that but OP never returned. Still, seems like an odd topic for a troll.

There is absolutely no way I would consider this.

I would only consider moving in with family in a situation where they had their own separate but attached space. Like a duplex or a house that had an apartment, etc. And I would only do it if we had a sit down and kind of written agreement about what the rules were for moving back-and-forth between the two spaces. Otherwise it’s a recipe for zero privacy, zero control over your space, zero happiness.

Also, how much would you be expected to be in charge of their care? Would they be expecting you to physically care for them or would they hire in-home caregivers? Because caring for an older person is extraordinarily time-consuming/stressful and would take away from the time you could spend attending to your children.

This wins for the most vague post of the week.

Is your current housing and schooling situation bad now? You seem to be placing an oversized value on that.

You’re moving into their home, which means the power dynamic will flow from that. I personally wouldn’t do it, but it depends on a lot of factors like how you get along, whether you’d have your own separate living space, how comfortable you and your spouse are in pushing back on parenting issues.