Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 08:11     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:My DH has something pretty severe going on. He snaps and blows up over very minor incidents. Today he stormed out of the car yelling as we were about to leave for my child’s birthday lunch. He always finds a way to blame me for his outbursts and takes no responsibility.

He has underlying anxiety and I think he is also depressed right now. But it could be something more severe, like borderline. When he is in a rage he is so nasty to me. His mood can turn on a dime. Five minutes after an outburst he is as if nothing happened. He has threatened me with calling police and accused me of illegal things. He is often paranoid and hears and sees things that haven’t happened.

We went to couples counseling and he ranted and raved about what a monster was. The therapist told him to just get a divorce. He agreed wholeheartedly in the session. Then on the way home started crying and said he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to go back to therapy.

OP I am at my wit’s end, it’s been more than a year of this. My kids are young. I just want my old husband back but it doesn’t seem it’s going to happen without treatment. I do not know if I can get divorced now with him in this state. I fear he would drag me through court because he is so hyped up and dysregulated, everything seems like a slight and he escalates to threats of lawyers whenever he is upset. It’s really a nightmare. After therapy last week though I am pretty sure he does not actually want to get divorced. I don’t know who he is anymore some days.

I think all you can do is accept that this is where he is now, and decide on your own boundaries. You for sure have more ability to push him to get help if you want. I would probably do that in your situation before it gets worst. Just be sure you ARE ready to get divorced if you threaten.


Has the therapist told him to get a full neuropsychol test done? Then seek out more appropriate, targeted therapy and medicine given the Dx.

Agree could be borderline, bipolar, schitzo, ASD, brain issues, etc.
Or good old fashion misogyny or narcissism. My spouse was called out at work for constantly treated women like children when HR overviewed his work with women groups, men groups, and coed groups. He cannot work well with women unless one comes in in a super senior position and instantly orders him around.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 08:07     Subject: Re:If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.


A friend's DH is like this, he has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses meds. Educate yourself re: signs, your kids will be more at risk. Sorry, it has really taken a toll on my friend esp the unpredictability


What's described in the OP doesn't sound like bipolar, sounds like something else.


My spouse is HFA and Bipolar II, and has similar chronic mental illness issues. He doesn’t have the multi-day manic or depression episodes but just explodes everytime someone asks him something. He also won’t continue therapy nor put the work in.
DBT was recommended and he made no efforts to sign up or go, after I called around and found some programs for adults.
He, unlike others H here, does not accept him diagnosis and thinks everyone else is crazy. There are days he is so delusional it is scary.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 08:00     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:XW refused therapy, and indeed refused believe she was mentally ill. She was not doing any housework or anything to help raise the kids before we divorced, so getting divorced did not change my workload at all.


That’s great they didn’t want 50% custody in the divorce.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 07:59     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:XW refused therapy, and indeed refused believe she was mentally ill. She was not doing any housework or anything to help raise the kids before we divorced, so getting divorced did not change my workload at all.


Sorry what kind of mental illness and depression/severe anxiety episodes did she present to the family? What therapies were recommended by the psychologists that she refused to do or put effort into?
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 05:04     Subject: Re:If you have a mentally ill spouse
^ Have to add that outside of these 3-5 days, he is a nearly perfect parent: very organized, in charge of the kids calendars for school and activities, does most of the drop offs and pick ups, does pretty much all medical appointments, does about a third of the cooking etc. And he is the bread winner ( his salary is double mine). I see the 3-5 days off every couple of days like a much needed break. He is very good at following routines once they are established. He is not good with change ( which is what I am good at).

It does not give him the right to take all these days off, but he is great so I am very understanding as long as there is respect and a peaceful, loving environment at home.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 04:49     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:If you do not have experience with this, please don’t comment about how you’d never put up with it. I didn’t think I would either until I’m now living it

Dh has severe depression and anxiety. He’s in weekly therapy and on meds. An intensive DBT has been recommended but he says he so far won’t do it. He is very successful professionally. At least every other month something “bad” happens (such as losing a key client) that spends him spiraling and then laying in misery in bed for a couple days. He bails on all domestic responsibility, treats me rather rudely if I talk to him (either doesn’t respond at all or short one words). Eventually he snaps out of it and acts like it never happened.

Would you just accept this? Insist on more intensive therapy with threat of divorce? Something else? He won’t do anything different therapy wise unless losing his family is on the line.


My DH retreats once every couple of months or so. It lasts for about 3-5 days. He is in weekly therapy for anxiety and on meds. His mother has severe anxiety.

The difference is I did not tolerate any rudeness ( and i wouldn't if he ever tried). About 5 years ago when it started, he would just retreat with no checking in, and then one day, he banged a cabinet door and kicked a chair. I told him "if you don't do that at work, you can keep it together here. No exceptions. If you can call in sick at work, you can call in sick here. Get it together and get it together fast." It was very clear that I meant I was out if he did do something quick. That's when he started weekly therapy. I would leave if he were rude.

So these days, he will say he is not feeling well and remind me to do anything he had to do, just like he would do at work. He will make sure he checks in everyday, let me know he is not feeling well etc, just like he will do at work. But there is no rudeness and no obvious misery. It's like him being sick every couple of months. In fact it is impossible these days to tell when he is actually sick ( if he does not have a cough) and when he needs this time off because he is overwhelmed. And one thing he does not give up is bedtime routine for the kids( which he would do in those days). He still reads to them and makes sure they brush their teeth.

Anonymous
Post 08/27/2023 00:10     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:I moved out with the kids, there were safety issues, but I told him I would stay married while living separately if he got help. So far that help hasn’t been enough to resolve the safety issues so we are kind of in limbo.

There is this idea that you can force someone to get help and they will get better but the help doesn’t always work.

My perspective may not be relevant without safety issues though.


Agree, good move.

It clear if Op or other responders have kids under age 18 or not/
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 23:16     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
My DH has something pretty severe going on. He snaps and blows up over very minor incidents. Today he stormed out of the car yelling as we were about to leave for my child’s birthday lunch. He always finds a way to blame me for his outbursts and takes no responsibility.

He has underlying anxiety and I think he is also depressed right now. But it could be something more severe, like borderline. When he is in a rage he is so nasty to me. His mood can turn on a dime. Five minutes after an outburst he is as if nothing happened. He has threatened me with calling police and accused me of illegal things. He is often paranoid and hears and sees things that haven’t happened.

We went to couples counseling and he ranted and raved about what a monster was. The therapist told him to just get a divorce. He agreed wholeheartedly in the session. Then on the way home started crying and said he doesn’t want divorce, he wants to go back to therapy.

OP I am at my wit’s end, it’s been more than a year of this. My kids are young. I just want my old husband back but it doesn’t seem it’s going to happen without treatment. I do not know if I can get divorced now with him in this state. I fear he would drag me through court because he is so hyped up and dysregulated, everything seems like a slight and he escalates to threats of lawyers whenever he is upset. It’s really a nightmare. After therapy last week though I am pretty sure he does not actually want to get divorced. I don’t know who he is anymore some days.

I think all you can do is accept that this is where he is now, and decide on your own boundaries. You for sure have more ability to push him to get help if you want. I would probably do that in your situation before it gets worst. Just be sure you ARE ready to get divorced if you threaten.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 22:35     Subject: Re:If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.


A friend's DH is like this, he has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses meds. Educate yourself re: signs, your kids will be more at risk. Sorry, it has really taken a toll on my friend esp the unpredictability


What's described in the OP doesn't sound like bipolar, sounds like something else.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 22:24     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Same here. He refused to stay on his meds after 10 years. It became abusive. I left him to look after our young child on my own.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 22:10     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I did not accept it. I refuse(d) to walk on eggshells in my own home. I demanded he leave and not come back until he went to therapy AND did all the various types of therapies his main therapist suggested. He lived with his relatives for almost a year and a half, and came over most nights for dinner and also shuttled the kids around on weekends during that time. I consider it tough love.


Did you worry about it ending with divorce and his having custody time?



NP. I worried about the kids safety being in his custody. Lawyer told me he would get 50/50 if he wanted it. It turned out he didn’t want it, which was a but heartbreaking for the kids. They lived with me full time and had visitation with him several times a week, which often amounted to eating dinner with us for as little as an hour.

When they were little (under 5), I used to go out with him and the kids, or would basically be available at all times because he would frequently cancel or bring the kids back early. As they got older and could fend for themselves a bit more, I was able to withdraw a bit.

I think he knew that he could not cope with them, and that sometimes he could only manage for as little as an hour.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 21:58     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved out with the kids, there were safety issues, but I told him I would stay married while living separately if he got help. So far that help hasn’t been enough to resolve the safety issues so we are kind of in limbo.

There is this idea that you can force someone to get help and they will get better but the help doesn’t always work.

My perspective may not be relevant without safety issues though.


What were the safety issues if you don’t mind me asking? I do not trust him alone with the kids (never know when something will happen and he’ll take Xanax and be unable to safely care for them) but there’s no threat of violence. He used to lash out verbally but has at least learned to leave immediately when he’s feeling that way


We were significantly beyond that. CPS was involved and advocated for supervised visitation. He was involuntarily hospitalized twice. There is a protective order. It's been rough.


Ugh so sorry to hear that
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 21:52     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I moved out with the kids, there were safety issues, but I told him I would stay married while living separately if he got help. So far that help hasn’t been enough to resolve the safety issues so we are kind of in limbo.

There is this idea that you can force someone to get help and they will get better but the help doesn’t always work.

My perspective may not be relevant without safety issues though.


What were the safety issues if you don’t mind me asking? I do not trust him alone with the kids (never know when something will happen and he’ll take Xanax and be unable to safely care for them) but there’s no threat of violence. He used to lash out verbally but has at least learned to leave immediately when he’s feeling that way


We were significantly beyond that. CPS was involved and advocated for supervised visitation. He was involuntarily hospitalized twice. There is a protective order. It's been rough.
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 21:52     Subject: Re:If you have a mentally ill spouse
Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the same situation, but my DH retreats at least 1x month, probably more, meaning he holes himself up for a period of time (sometimes a few days, sometimes only one day). I think of it as going into his dark place. During these times he barely talks to us, and if he had any "dad" responsibilities (like driving a kid to a sports practice or something), he just sends me a text saying something to the effect of "I'm not available anymore for this." He's missed major holidays, birthdays, plus the kids have had to miss smaller events like an already planned playdate that they were excited about it.

If I were to call him out on it he would absolutely blow up, like literally explode, and somehow say the situation was my fault. When he's not in his dark place, he is wonderful. I take it in stride and try to handle it the best I can. There are times that it can be hard for both me and the kids, but over the years I've gotten more used to it, and have accepted that it's totally out of my control. It also breaks my heart that he has these episodes in the first place, they must be miserable for him (he was not like this when we were first married, maybe started 11 or 12 years in). I miss the old DH.


A friend's DH is like this, he has been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses meds. Educate yourself re: signs, your kids will be more at risk. Sorry, it has really taken a toll on my friend esp the unpredictability
Anonymous
Post 08/26/2023 21:49     Subject: If you have a mentally ill spouse
XW refused therapy, and indeed refused believe she was mentally ill. She was not doing any housework or anything to help raise the kids before we divorced, so getting divorced did not change my workload at all.