I mean, these cautionary tales speak for themselves! Wow. And yet we parents who say “not yet” to teenage dating are somehow the unreasonable ones?

If you allow it, keep strict supervision over them. It's not just sex or emotions, now. It's social media too.

My son was 14 and a brand new freshman when a girl asked for his snap and then they started "dating." She definitely was the person pushing the relationship to each new level. I knew he was not emotionally mature enough for any of this. But I took it as an opportunity to talk him through it, and to try to ensure he was being both respectful and safe. It only lasted a couple of months and I watched them like a hawk at my house. I had just gotten permission to go back to work after COVID, which I was dying to do. I hate working at home. But stayed home because of this new relationship of his. It only lasted a couple of months, and he broke up with her because they really had nothing in common. I walked him through that, too. No ghosting. Face to face. They are both great people but there really isn't much in common. Nobody's fault, etc.

She got really upset. And started spreading rumors on social media about him that were categorically untrue because I had been there almost every step of the way. They weren't horrific rumors, but they weren't true, and this social media revenge can be the new reality of relationships gone wrong.

My now rising sophomore had a boyfriend from February until a couple weeks ago, when he broke up with her via text while both were on vacation. She was 15 though and he was 14 turning 15 in march but both freshmen….Worst most horrible experience dealing with the emotional fallout from the break up and I wish I had done more to rein it in now in retrospect.

In our case, he was her close friend first. They hung out together as friends all the time leading up to dating and I didn’t have rules bc they were just friends, until they weren’t. It allowed them to get much too close too fast and they basically skipped all the awkward dating phases, and knew each other inside and out. So when he broke it off and then turned jerk right after that, it was honestly traumatizing for her. 15 year old boys especially are not mature enough to date.

And yes they had sex and often it was at his house despite his parents having all the rules mentioned here, and never leaving them alone, but apparently he’d watch their location from phone sharing….they also went on “dates” all the time, wore matching bracelets, had an “anniversary”, texted all day long the gushiest shit, and I really wish I had not let it play out like it did. I’m not sure I could have stopped it, but still… both of them seem damaged by the ending of it and I hate it.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that once kids this age have their first somewhat serious dating relationship (differentiating between some text only “dating” or barely holding hands in groups etc) they seem to continue to find new boyfriends or girlfriends easily after that. That’s the case with my daughter and all her friends, they either have no experience or are always coupled up. I think the attention is addicting, sadly.

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

Just because kids try to break the rules or get around rules doesn't mean they shouldn't exist in the first place.

No parent is 100% successful in preventing their kids from doing things, but it's our job to put up barriers and get in their way. You don't abdicate setting expectations because it's not guaranteed to have a 100% success rate.

Teacher here. Most middle schoolers who are not allowed to date, join after school clubs and make-out in school - I do hear them making friend plans like mall, pool, outdoor shopping area, etc… and the boys meet them there.

You can try but kids will always try harder and be sneakier.

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Wait until 18?!?! Your naive kids are looking to get love bombed and assaulted in college.

I rather my kids date and work on relationships and how partners treat others and red/green flags to look for. Work on that while they are still safe at home.

Anonymous wrote:What are you family's rules about dating for this age group? Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home? Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends)? I did not date at all yet at that age (I was allowed to but there was no mutually reciprocated interest).

Do you allow your child to be at home alone or at their boyfriend/girlfriend's home when no adults are at home? Absolutely not. This is a great way to become a grandparent.

Place any limits on the amount of time they can spend with the person (to encourage other activities/friends)? Sort of. Not any hard and fast rules, but you don't get to skip out on everything for time with your BF or GF. And I encouraged going out with a group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Group settings or day time 1 on 1 for minor things like mall, playing sports, etc....

In the house ONLY when there are adults home.

lolz

I think these are reasonable guidelines.

I would not allow my 14 year old to seriously date anyone and would definitely not allow him to be home alone with someone of the opposite sex.

My now 16 yo had a “girlfriend” when he was 14. Their relationship revolved around texting- they never went on an actual date and were never alone together.

Anonymous wrote:I have a 14yo and a college student, and I'm convinced that zero good comes from heavy-duty dating at the younger ages. My oldest had his first girlfriend at about 15yo but it was very limited - dates at the mall and school functions. That seemed fine; anything more is too much at that age.

IMO the emotional nonsense is at least as dangerous as the other stuff. I have a friend who went exclusive with her first boyfriend in MS until he dumped her at the beginning of her senior year of HS. It crushed her and left her crazy insecure and a train wreck with men for years. She still talks about this guy as the 'one who got away,' decades later.

this. emotional stuff is more dangerous than sexual stuff. break ups can be devastating for adults, and 14 year olds completely lack perspective. they think there will never be another person for them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Finally, a parent with common sense! Bravo!

I agree. I don't know that i would say "no" you can't date. But there would be a lot of restrictions. Or obligations that prevent from hanging out. I see too many of my friends' kids become absolutely codependent by 10th grade and it's super weird and not appropriate. IMO. It's too fast. Too much. At too young an age.

Anonymous wrote:I do not allow it or encourage it. A 14-year-old is not in a position to "date" anyone. If they're a boy, they don't have the resources to take a girl out on dates and I'm certainly not footing the bill for his romantic life.

It's fine to like and have romantic feelings for someone, but I don't think it's healthy for kids at this age to have entangled, adult-like, exclusive relationships that come with all of the obligations and rollercoasters that come with engaging in those things. Not to mention the physical ramifications such as pregnancy and STDs.

I think I might not encourage it but would be tolerable of a 17 or 18 year old starting to do that stuff, but definitely not a 14 year old. They're an absolute mental and emotional mess and I've seen too many toxic and destructive boyfriend-girlfriend entanglements to encourage that for my kids at that age.

Finally, a parent with common sense! Bravo!

Anonymous wrote:Group settings or day time 1 on 1 for minor things like mall, playing sports, etc....

In the house ONLY when there are adults home.

lolz

I have a 14yo and a college student, and I'm convinced that zero good comes from heavy-duty dating at the younger ages. My oldest had his first girlfriend at about 15yo but it was very limited - dates at the mall and school functions. That seemed fine; anything more is too much at that age.

IMO the emotional nonsense is at least as dangerous as the other stuff. I have a friend who went exclusive with her first boyfriend in MS until he dumped her at the beginning of her senior year of HS. It crushed her and left her crazy insecure and a train wreck with men for years. She still talks about this guy as the 'one who got away,' decades later.

By the time my kids were 14 I had already had several discussions with them about house expectations, dating etiquette, sex risks, drugs, consent, etc. My kids' school had a speaker series when they were in middle school and every one of them said to get ahead of the problem and if you think your kid is receptive to talk with them about things like peer pressure, s#xting, cat fishing, drugs, alcohol, consent, birth control, saying no, not getting in car with a driver who is high/been drinking, no sneaking out, no lying about where they are going, curfews, no having friends over when we are not home, no taking our alcohol or prescriptions, vaping, etc.

These were not easy conversations, but I have no regrets about talking to my kids about these things by the time they were 14, because guess what. Things can be happening outside your home that you have no control over (at school, in a park, at a friend's house, etc). Unfortunately us parents don't have as much control as we would like.