Anonymous wrote:No, but a close friend just did last month and I am wondering how to support her

Do you call her regularly? Like a op said, the evenings can be awful. Maybe just go sit at her house with her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a pet

Please STFU.

Not the PP but why such an angry response to a perfectly good suggestion? Having an animal that loves you unconditionally can bring great solace to many people. OP I am so sorry for your loss. I have witness friends who have been where you are and the only advice I can give is be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of grace and patience and forgiveness. Also, It is survivable. I know it doesn't feel that way now but there are loads of people who make it through and find joy and laughter again. Remember that when it feels like you can't do it. It is good that you are reaching out and looking for support. You're gonna be ok.

NP here who also had a strong reaction. It is not "a perfectly good suggestion." Here are just *some* of the reasons it's a bad suggestion.

First, not everyone likes animals. Animal lovers have a hard time understanding this, but for people like me who don't like being around animals anymore (loved them as a kid), animals increase rather than decrease stress.

Also, animals are a lot of work. A lot. Animal lovers downplay this, but nearly everyone I know, when they get a new pet comments on how much work it is and how they had forgotten how much work it was, especially if it is a young animal.

When someone is in the rawness of new grief, barely able to put one foot in front of the other, the last thing they need is additional responsibilities.

And then there is the whole issue of a suggestion like that being tone deaf because it comes across rather glib. Someone says, "My entire world has been upended, and I have no clue what to do now." And the response is, "Get a pet!"

I'd be willing to cut someone some slack if the suggestion was caveated with something like, "When I lost my spouse, i found taking care of my animal to be helpful." But that's not what was said.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My youngest is 21 y/o son and still lives at home. My oldest is 25. Me and my son watched him die next to our bed. The grief makes me feel like I can’t live another day sometimes. This was 2 1/2 weeks ago.

Yes, this was an incredibly intense experience. You are still so close to it. It’s very natural to just keep re-living the horror that you witnessed again and again. Grieving is a whole process. Unless you’ve been through such an intense death, no one can relate. You may have bouts of tears just driving some place and may have to pull over. You may see some look-alike in a store that jars you to that place of shopping with your loved one. It’s rough, seemingly unfair, and I wish I could tell you how to make the pain and loneliness go away. All that I can tell you is that you let the tears flow when they may. You pull out those pictures of your loved one year after year and let the tears flow. Eventually, over time, less tears will flow. Eventually, with time and much space, you will flip through those photos and laugh a little and not cry as much. But it is taking years for that to happen. Your life must go on. And, yes, life is unfair at times. But, you must know that others will come into your life slowly over time. Laughter will return. Memories will stay. Less tears will run. New friends will be made. More unique fun experiences will be had. But, right now, you are just beginning your grieving process. I might suggest that you join a Grief Share group even for 6 weeks or so. You will see that your thoughts, emotions, and actions are common in this grieving phase. It will help you through these early days and weeks. Hang in there. You have much to give this world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a pet

Please STFU.

Not the PP but why such an angry response to a perfectly good suggestion? Having an animal that loves you unconditionally can bring great solace to many people. OP I am so sorry for your loss. I have witness friends who have been where you are and the only advice I can give is be kind to yourself. Give yourself a lot of grace and patience and forgiveness. Also, It is survivable. I know it doesn't feel that way now but there are loads of people who make it through and find joy and laughter again. Remember that when it feels like you can't do it. It is good that you are reaching out and looking for support. You're gonna be ok.

No, but a close friend just did last month and I am wondering how to support her

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and lost my spouse last year. Now raising two kids on my own. There are a bunch of widow(er) Facebook groups.

My friend joined some groups, posted for support and was immediately bombarded by women asking for dates despite his wife of 28 years being dead less than a few weeks. So, beware of the "support" groups.

My widowed father in his late 70s wouldn't go near the local senior walking group for the same reason. There again, he went on vacation with my mother's good friend within 3 months of Mom's death.

I lost my partner at 45 earlier this year. We were separated, working through some issues, but it just wasn't going well.
I feel for my child who has to grow up without his father. There's some guilt also for separating, but I couldn't live in such hostile environment. Had I know he was on spectrum possibly, I would have insisted on professional help.
Sorry that I can't help. I'm getting over being treated like crap for 10 years and at times I want to tell him. I don't even know much was the fault on being different. Also, why it never crossed my mind. Now I see it in his father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and lost my spouse last year. Now raising two kids on my own. There are a bunch of widow(er) Facebook groups.

My friend joined some groups, posted for support and was immediately bombarded by women asking for dates despite his wife of 28 years being dead less than a few weeks. So, beware of the "support" groups.

My mom died in her late 50s from cancer. Oddly enough, the woman who sold us the burial plot told my dad not to join a support group. She said the women would “eat him alive.” And given the number of women that came out of the woodwork once my mom died (including former coworkers!), I think she was right.

My dad is a regular Joe too. I just think women can be ruthless about pouncing on a new man on the market.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and lost my spouse last year. Now raising two kids on my own. There are a bunch of widow(er) Facebook groups.

My friend joined some groups, posted for support and was immediately bombarded by women asking for dates despite his wife of 28 years being dead less than a few weeks. So, beware of the "support" groups.

Oh gosh that’s terrible

Anonymous wrote:I am 45 and lost my spouse last year. Now raising two kids on my own. There are a bunch of widow(er) Facebook groups.

My friend joined some groups, posted for support and was immediately bombarded by women asking for dates despite his wife of 28 years being dead less than a few weeks. So, beware of the "support" groups.