Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Babysitter

Housing between housing

Family Vacation planner/funder

Cook - when they visit … we have a ski place we meet there on weekends, holidays

Party venue…. Showers etc

And flights/hotel to family weddings

Agree with all the above and would add:

Support for professional training and certification. So paying for rent while a child takes the bar, or letting them live with you while they study for their medical boards.

Anonymous wrote:Babysitter

Housing between housing

Family Vacation planner/funder

Cook - when they visit … we have a ski place we meet there on weekends, holidays

Party venue…. Showers etc

And flights/hotel to family weddings

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens, so I'm speaking from my own experience as a 20-something.

Be a safety net if they need help. Don't bail them out of every little thing - adults need to learn how to adult - but let them know that if the $h!t really hits the fan, you have their back. Encourage them to take reasonable risks in life, but talk to them about backup plans if it doesn't work out.

Start to treat them like adults. Talk to them the way you'd talk to your own friends. Within boundaries, of course. But it's OK to talk about budgeting, work, life planning, vacations, and everything else you talk to other normal adults about. Don't keep treating them like "a kid". But still let them know that you have their back.

Show your own vulnerability. You are going to have to start treating them as equals if you want a good adult:adult relationship going forward in life. Stop acting like you are "in charge" ... but you still have their back .

Come back to us in ten years.

DP. Care to share what you've found above that doesn't work?

I suspect it's the tone
..the person writes as if they know more, even though they haven't been through it yet, and their audience was also a 20-something once.

Babysitter

Housing between housing

Family Vacation planner/funder

Cook - when they visit … we have a ski place we meet there on weekends, holidays

Party venue…. Showers etc

DS (22) is just moving out now. So tempting to give him so extra cash for an upgraded apartment and maybe some furntiure...but no. I know we covered college and he already has some cash. He needs to live on his salary (OK but not luxurious).

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Should you be more than a cheerleader if there is still some type of financial dependency? The $$ support part muddles my thinking role wise.

Anonymous wrote:Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Love it!

Anonymous wrote:It is hard not to give advice, because you have been where they are. And they are generally clueless /a babe in the woods

But I know I have to work to follow this advice.

It's also good to remember, though, that you probably actually haven't been where they are. The world changes. They are different people. Different economy, different social expectations, etc.

A lot of what you learned from your own 20s experience simply won't be relevant or useful to them now. Maybe some of the broad strokes about responsibility, saving money, building a career or picking a partner. But VERY broad strokes.

Trying to give your 20-something kid advice on stuff like interviewing, dressing, dating, socializing, based on your experience doing the same thing 20-30 years ago? You will mostly sound like a dinosaur.

I think a better tactic is to ask questions. Not a million questions but just relevant questions as they make choices and find their way. You ask to understand, and also in asking it might spur them to think about certain things. Like as they start their job search, own up to the fact that you don't know how it works now, and ask what the steps are these days. You'll learn something, and it will force them to think critically about that task as something with steps that can be explained.

Much better approach than to sit there and lecture them on stuff you haven't done in decades. You know a lot less than you think!

Using a sports metaphor:

Kid is born through the start of elementary school: You're a player + coach. You're on the field and playing an essential role in the game. Game doesn't happen without you.
Kid is in elementary school through middle school: You're the coach only - not on the field. You call some plays but you trust that your kid is learning how to make their own decisions. You support them when things don't go well and intervene on their behalf if things get wild.
Kid is in high school: You're the athletic trainer and your kid is the coach/player. They are starting to make bigger decisions about their life and you are now one of many influences. Your job is to help them prepare for and recover from the big and little things.
Kid is in college: You're a mentor and maybe a booster.
Kid is post-college: You're a cheerleader. That's it. It's important work, but your coaching, playing, and training days are done.

Coach

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens, so I'm speaking from my own experience as a 20-something.

Be a safety net if they need help. Don't bail them out of every little thing - adults need to learn how to adult - but let them know that if the $h!t really hits the fan, you have their back. Encourage them to take reasonable risks in life, but talk to them about backup plans if it doesn't work out.

Start to treat them like adults. Talk to them the way you'd talk to your own friends. Within boundaries, of course. But it's OK to talk about budgeting, work, life planning, vacations, and everything else you talk to other normal adults about. Don't keep treating them like "a kid". But still let them know that you have their back.

Show your own vulnerability. You are going to have to start treating them as equals if you want a good adult:adult relationship going forward in life. Stop acting like you are "in charge" ... but you still have their back .

Come back to us in ten years.

DP. Care to share what you've found above that doesn't work?

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens, so I'm speaking from my own experience as a 20-something.

Be a safety net if they need help. Don't bail them out of every little thing - adults need to learn how to adult - but let them know that if the $h!t really hits the fan, you have their back. Encourage them to take reasonable risks in life, but talk to them about backup plans if it doesn't work out.

Start to treat them like adults. Talk to them the way you'd talk to your own friends. Within boundaries, of course. But it's OK to talk about budgeting, work, life planning, vacations, and everything else you talk to other normal adults about. Don't keep treating them like "a kid". But still let them know that you have their back.

Show your own vulnerability. You are going to have to start treating them as equals if you want a good adult:adult relationship going forward in life. Stop acting like you are "in charge" ... but you still have their back .

Come back to us in ten years.

What I'm going to work on when my kids grow up is the balance between being open/active in maintaining a relationship without being needy/using guilt. I don't think I'll struggle with treating them as adults, but I know I will struggle with wanting more of their attention. Hopefully just being aware of that will help avoid major trouble.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are teens, so I'm speaking from my own experience as a 20-something.

Be a safety net if they need help. Don't bail them out of every little thing - adults need to learn how to adult - but let them know that if the $h!t really hits the fan, you have their back. Encourage them to take reasonable risks in life, but talk to them about backup plans if it doesn't work out.

Start to treat them like adults. Talk to them the way you'd talk to your own friends. Within boundaries, of course. But it's OK to talk about budgeting, work, life planning, vacations, and everything else you talk to other normal adults about. Don't keep treating them like "a kid". But still let them know that you have their back.

Show your own vulnerability. You are going to have to start treating them as equals if you want a good adult:adult relationship going forward in life. Stop acting like you are "in charge" ... but you still have their back .

+1 to all of this, especially the part about treating them like adults. It's hard, because they'll always be your "baby" in a sense, but if your kid feels like interacting with you is stepping back in time (mentally) to childhood at a time when they are trying to step up, they won't be comfortable coming to you with important adult things.

Anonymous wrote:You’re the person who will love them no matter what. Who will celebrate their victories and express pride and zip it/ not peon or “I told you so” when they screw up.
Who will give advice if they ask for it and listen but not jump in with a solution if they don’t.
Who will be there in person if they ask for help and provide a wallet (within reason and your budget) in the event of a serious problem/ emergency.
And who will look for ways to remain connected ad develop an adult relationship that respects their boundaries.

This (and the similar "cheerleader, friend, safety net") advice above.

I will one thing that my mom did for me and that I'm trying to do for my adult kids -- when apt, tell them about the times you screwed up and how it turned out ok in the end.