Anonymous wrote:Thank you for this, PP. it’s really helpful. Dumb question bc I really don’t know how it works (it ofc started with the funny face filters)—can I go back and have her show me any messages? I did not realize it did texts; I thought it was all disappearing pictures.

Honestly, I don’t know exactly what it does and doesn’t do. This is why I had my older son lead the conversation because he was the one who originally talked me down. According to my son, they use it for text, FaceTime, voice calls and photos. I just asked him. They don’t all delete because they were showing me some of them they both sent and received. I also thought it was only photos that immediately disappeared.

Thank you for this, PP. it’s really helpful. Dumb question bc I really don’t know how it works (it ofc started with the funny face filters)—can I go back and have her show me any messages? I did not realize it did texts; I thought it was all disappearing pictures.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She is turning 13 in 2 months and going into 7th grade.

My daughter is the exact same age, turning 13 at the same time as yours and I recently found out she had Snapchat. She’s my youngest so I handled it differently with the help of my older teen, who I know has and uses it.

We, mostly my older son, talked to her about who you connect with and how it’s so important to only communicate with people you actually know in real life. Mutual friends don’t count. You need to have met them face to face. My son knows a lot more about it so he takes about location and how and why it’s important to never have yours turned on. We also discussed inappropriate pictures and how to never send them or what to do if you receive them.

She assured us she’s only using it with her immediate friends and sports team. She said she added some kids she met at orientation and the girls have been communicating. She showed us and it all seemed innocent. It’s really the way they communicate, not by texts or calls.

I decided to let her keep it and we will continue to have these conversations. I don’t want her to sneak around and she’s so excited to start a new middle school. I know with my older kids that I won’t be successful with a total ban and in our family, moderation and open communication seem better.

Op here. I’m really at a loss, bc I want to knee jerk and take it away for a year but I know I can’t do that. It’s so connected to her friends and that is so important to her. In the past, especially when DH hands down punishment, she takes it pretty well. She knows she screwed up, she’s sorry, she cries and we move on. This feels different.

This isn't hard OP

You stay very calm, and with almost no emotion, you explain that access to the iPad was based on trust. Now that the trust has been broken, she no longer has access to the iPad.

Indefinitely. Until the trust is restored

I also think OP needs to consider allowing snapchat. It really is how teens communicate now, so she will be really left out.

Is there a way to set limits within SnapChat, like an app limit, so that it doesn't become overwhelming?

Agree that she is lying because she really feels that there is a huge social cost to her in not partaking in snapchat, and there might be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I may ask her what she thinks her punishment should be.

I want you to do this, just so I can hear about her response.

I've done this with my 14 year old before and he will come up with things that are worse than what I was planning.

My experience is if you have a conversation with them and treat them like you're working on whatever went wrong together and you value their thoughts and opinions and you're really listening, it goes a hell of a lot better. You still get to the end and you're in charge as the parent but they don't feel like they've been rail roaded. Just my 2 cents.

Take away electronics for one year.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know about wait until 8th. I don’t think that’s realistic for most, much as I wish it was. This is how most kids communicate now. She’s an athlete too, so this is how her teams communicate.

Social media is the worst.

Her team communicates via snapchat?

Three months ago she was a 6th grader. She didn't need snapchat or an ipad then. She doesn't' need it now.

Not OP but probably the whole team is in a group, yes. And this is how they make plans and socialize. If you're not on it, you're just out of the loop. No one is calling your land line or side texting the kid or the kid's mom to catch them up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No devices for her except for those required by school for six months at least with a long talk about lying. She has no need for devices at 12 and has demonstrated very poor decision making and breached your trust.

I'm curious how old your kid is. This is what I would have said before my kid was a teen.

I wouldn't frame it as really poor decision making. It's 12-year old brain decision making. She wants to be able to talk to her friends and be included and when you the trusted adult who she loves and values won't let her, she/he goes around you and lies so she can keep the relationship with the adult who she loves and values.

I thought I would be one of these draconian no to all the things parents. One person's opinion. From what I see, it doesn't work in the end or if it does work the cost to your long-term relationship with the child is very high. It alienates you from your child.

And before all the snarky responses about what a loser parent I am, yes I say no to things and my teens have a lot of boundaries. But it's more complicated than just ban all the things for 6 months and a long talk.

Yes, I agree completely. My sister, whose oldest is 9 and a boy is SO sanctimonious and is saying that they will have no phones until high school and even then "dumb" phones and no internet/social media until college. And she says it dripping with judgement of anyone who does things any differently. I have 15 and 12 year old girls who (for now) talk very openly with me and we put reasonable limits on their apps and devices and so far its working pretty well.

Anonymous wrote:I know about wait until 8th. I don’t think that’s realistic for most, much as I wish it was. This is how most kids communicate now. She’s an athlete too, so this is how her teams communicate.

Social media is the worst.

Her team communicates via snapchat?

Three months ago she was a 6th grader. She didn't need snapchat or an ipad then. She doesn't' need it now.

OP, I won't comment on the appropriate consequences, just that it is easier to monitor their social media use when they are in middle school than it is in high school. I took the opportunity in middle school to teach my kid the appropriate way to use social media, monitor it, discuss it, fix it. So when you decide she can have social media, it's best to help them learn about appropriate use and the consequences. Bullying, group chat bullying, inappropriate sexual advances, pressure to do nudes, etc. Also, the pressure to get likes and views is pretty significant.

It's also important to know that once they get social media, they often create alt accounts hoping their parents don't find those. But they tend to follow their own alt accounts.

Good luck. It's an intensive parenting time, unfortunately.

I know about wait until 8th. I don’t think that’s realistic for most, much as I wish it was. This is how most kids communicate now. She’s an athlete too, so this is how her teams communicate.

Social media is the worst.

Anonymous wrote:I may ask her what she thinks her punishment should be.

I want you to do this, just so I can hear about her response.

I may ask her what she thinks her punishment should be.