Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have this going on in their friend group? Not a shallow trophy wife situation but two my successful and pretty girlfriends who married last amongst our friend group married men they seemed to settle for. On paper the men are successful but appearance and personality wise, it never seemed like a true match or their type. When we're all together you don't sense genuine passion for their spouse. Before marriage, one of them complained about their sex life, but after he proposed, she never brought it up again. The other complained her then fiancé was such a dork, as in wimpy and boring, not in a cute endearing way. As married DINKs, they honestly seem to enjoy their house, luxury SUV, and status more than their husband. Knock on wood I don't yet have any divorces in this friend group but I wonder if it is this predictable that these two will likely be the so-called starter marriages that fail?

Surely you jest. A wealthy pushover who works too much is the ideal husband.

I’m the one in my group who married late as is my husband among his college and grad school friends. That may make me biased, but I do know a few people who truly seemed to settle. I was genuinely worried about one woman I know through my husband. She is vibrant, funny, and outgoing. She loves travel, adventure, and is an excellent cook. She married a short l, bald guy with a big gut who dresses like the sale rack at a late 90s JC Penney. He’s a picky eater and his preferred vacation is to go to the same beach with his mom in tow every single year. I was screaming internally at their wedding “why is no one stopping this????”
Jokes on me. They seem extremely happy. They have 2 kids and the pandemic seemed to really draw them together and solidify everything. She’s bought him more stylish and flattering clothes and he’s come out of his shell somewhat.

I can’t say as much for my friends that married young when they were beautiful and carefree. Different people have different breaking points, but many couples we know seem to have grown apart under the stress of the more senior, responsibility laden jobs they hold in their 40s, raising kids, maintaining a house and yard. Maybe they will find a way to rekindle their relationship once they are empty nesters in their late 40s, something I won’t have until I’m nearly 60. But for the friends we’ve watched divorce, a common theme seems to be that the person who was their soul mate when they could backpack around Thailand or go to happy hour 3 nights a week is not the person they want to change diapers with, talk about window replacement with, or do any of the other mundane parts of life that pile up over the years.

Putting aside the idea that people who marry late are damaged goods or settling just to have kids, I think it’s possible that what looks like settling may also be maturity and knowing what is actually important to them.

Aw, poor little OP is jealous that her friends are married and she's not. She thinks she's holding out for the successful hottie while her friends settled and she's going to be the one that's 47 and single and visiting sperm banks and getting IVF to have a kid on her own.

We all have friends like you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have this going on in their friend group? Not a shallow trophy wife situation but two my successful and pretty girlfriends who married last amongst our friend group married men they seemed to settle for. On paper the men are successful but appearance and personality wise, it never seemed like a true match or their type. When we're all together you don't sense genuine passion for their spouse. Before marriage, one of them complained about their sex life, but after he proposed, she never brought it up again. The other complained her then fiancé was such a dork, as in wimpy and boring, not in a cute endearing way. As married DINKs, they honestly seem to enjoy their house, luxury SUV, and status more than their husband. Knock on wood I don't yet have any divorces in this friend group but I wonder if it is this predictable that these two will likely be the so-called starter marriages that fail?

Maybe your friends are not the catch you thing they are? Seriously the tall, good looking guy with money and personality has so many women after/around him it is like a secret service detail.

Most guys look pretty similar by age 40 or 50 OP. Maybe some are in better shape than others, but looks don't last.

Yup. MYOB OP. You sound like an insecure, petty and jealous friend.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have this going on in their friend group? Not a shallow trophy wife situation but two my successful and pretty girlfriends who married last amongst our friend group married men they seemed to settle for. On paper the men are successful but appearance and personality wise, it never seemed like a true match or their type. When we're all together you don't sense genuine passion for their spouse. Before marriage, one of them complained about their sex life, but after he proposed, she never brought it up again. The other complained her then fiancé was such a dork, as in wimpy and boring, not in a cute endearing way. As married DINKs, they honestly seem to enjoy their house, luxury SUV, and status more than their husband. Knock on wood I don't yet have any divorces in this friend group but I wonder if it is this predictable that these two will likely be the so-called starter marriages that fail?

Money and a high status career trumps looks, personality and bedroom prowess.

Anonymous wrote:It's plausible that people who marry late either have to settle for less than ideal, or have no idea how to pick a good mate.

Or that people who marry young prioritize looks more than is wise. Every person I know who felt very strongly about how good looking their spouse was ended up divorced or cheated on. Character matters more than looks do, and the longer you date before settling down, the more chances you have to learn that lesson. A 25 year old might find a guy "boring" when a 35 year old knows that diligent, consistent, kind, keeps his word - this isn't a lack of excitement it's the stuff that leads to success in work and a decent partner in life.

You have some shallow friends, OP.

Why do you want to tear down their marriages, OP? What is your motivation here?

I feel like these are two separate issues. To be unattractive in terms of looks is very different than having a 'wimpy,' lame, what have you personality.
As others have said, looks are generally fleeting and to some extent different strokes for different folks... I have been highly attracted to men who others probably thought were unattractive outwardly and even didn't meet some of my prior 'standards' (height etc) but they had such attractive personalities that it didn't matter. Now if they're ugly and wimpy then my only guess is someone is there for the $$

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else have this going on in their friend group? Not a shallow trophy wife situation but two my successful and pretty girlfriends who married last amongst our friend group married men they seemed to settle for. On paper the men are successful but appearance and personality wise, it never seemed like a true match or their type. When we're all together you don't sense genuine passion for their spouse. Before marriage, one of them complained about their sex life, but after he proposed, she never brought it up again. The other complained her then fiancé was such a dork, as in wimpy and boring, not in a cute endearing way. As married DINKs, they honestly seem to enjoy their house, luxury SUV, and status more than their husband. Knock on wood I don't yet have any divorces in this friend group but I wonder if it is this predictable that these two will likely be the so-called starter marriages that fail?

Pop culture and message boards like this put way too much emphasis on a “steamy” bedroom. Most practical women don’t marry their greatest lover. They marry the highest status man they can, who can provide the lifestyle they desire for them and their future children. Between careers, kids, nannies, and keeping a house in order, there’s not enough time for Fifty Shades of Grey fantasies. A boring bedroom isn’t even a top 20 concern a few years after marriage.

The starter marriages I saw fail in our orbit were related to lack of money or the guy cheated. A wealthy dorky husband with a high status job isn’t likely to lead to a quick divorce. Maybe later in life after the kids. Maybe.

Anonymous wrote:

I find that people who marry (or find a long-term partner) later in life are generally not outwardly enthusiastic like their younger counterparts were.

This is because they're more mature and they understand that affection and loyalty don't need to be gushed about in public. They see the faults of their spouses or partners clearly. They're not blinded by romantic love.

So for me, this is no cause for alarm, OP.

Actually, I am seeing this with the 30-something women in my neighborhood that are dating, never married. The BFs aren't over a ton. They don't spend a lot of time with them. They still do majority of stuff with their friends.

We all married late 20s back in my day and most of us were practically living together inseparable, couldn't be apart once we met our mates. We also did majority of things as couples. Many couples traveling, socializing, going to clubs, etc. Now it seems the younger people do a lot of separate vacations. My 30 year old niece is in Europe with friends right now and when she gets back her husband is going on a trip with his friends. We didn't do that. We wanted to experience it together, couldn't stand to be apart.

The women like that in my neighborhood starting OLD in midlife/having affairs. They are looking to exit as the kids get older.