Anonymous
08/13/2023 20:02
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite. I actually really thought I’d want to be a SAHM. But then I sort of fell into a really flexible, fully remote position that pays decent enough (about $150k) that our budget would take a huge hit if I left the workforce. And DH also has a pretty flexible WAH job and is really involved with carrying his share of the kid/household load. So it ended up making more sense for us than a breadwinner/SAHP route.
We were both raised by SAHMs though, so we have had to figure out this dual working parent thing together. I will say I was very clear before we had kids that I would not work full time and be a default parent for everything. I think the women who end up the most miserable are those who are taking on the bulk of the load at home and working long hours. DH and I lived together before getting engaged and I already knew he was good about cooking and cleaning. My dad was pretty helpless and barely lifted a finger around the house so this was something I was really attuned to.
Basically I think it makes sense to know what your ultimate priorities are and keep an open mind as to how this may actually play out.
This is exactly us too. We both wfh permanently. DH has a good deal of flexibility (European company that highly values work life balance) and I have an extremely amount of flexibility. I make $110k, he makes $160k, two little kids, and I wouldn't change a thing.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 18:32
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Religious indoctrination.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:57
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I’m the opposite. I actually really thought I’d want to be a SAHM. But then I sort of fell into a really flexible, fully remote position that pays decent enough (about $150k) that our budget would take a huge hit if I left the workforce. And DH also has a pretty flexible WAH job and is really involved with carrying his share of the kid/household load. So it ended up making more sense for us than a breadwinner/SAHP route.
We were both raised by SAHMs though, so we have had to figure out this dual working parent thing together. I will say I was very clear before we had kids that I would not work full time and be a default parent for everything. I think the women who end up the most miserable are those who are taking on the bulk of the load at home and working long hours. DH and I lived together before getting engaged and I already knew he was good about cooking and cleaning. My dad was pretty helpless and barely lifted a finger around the house so this was something I was really attuned to.
Basically I think it makes sense to know what your ultimate priorities are and keep an open mind as to how this may actually play out.
We were both raised by SAHMs though, so we have had to figure out this dual working parent thing together. I will say I was very clear before we had kids that I would not work full time and be a default parent for everything. I think the women who end up the most miserable are those who are taking on the bulk of the load at home and working long hours. DH and I lived together before getting engaged and I already knew he was good about cooking and cleaning. My dad was pretty helpless and barely lifted a finger around the house so this was something I was really attuned to.
Basically I think it makes sense to know what your ultimate priorities are and keep an open mind as to how this may actually play out.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:47
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:I had a bread-winning mom and had to attend daycare more than 40 hours a week since infancy. My mom could never come to elementary classes parties or chaperone field trips. I was so jealous of classmates who had their moms pick them up from school, while I had to attend aftercare. And mor often than not, the daycare ladies were disengaged and mean.
I never wanted that for my kids, and always knew I’d only be a mom if I could stay at home with them when they were young.
Curious on whether you and your mom have ever discussed this and her reaction?
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:46
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I only have one friend who wanted to be a SAHM. She was not a strong student, didn’t finish college and worked odd jobs. She wanted to get married, have kids and stay home. She is now 45, divorced with no kids.
I didn’t even like kids. I was career oriented and have two masters. I met Dh in grad school and we got married and had 3 kids. I’m now a sahm. Go figure.
I didn’t even like kids. I was career oriented and have two masters. I met Dh in grad school and we got married and had 3 kids. I’m now a sahm. Go figure.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:44
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Many women are in childcare-industry careers. Some men too. SAH parenting is naturally related.
SAH got "weird" when families got smaller and it became not enough of a full-time decade+ effort unless you obsess over details.
SAH got "weird" when families got smaller and it became not enough of a full-time decade+ effort unless you obsess over details.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:40
Subject: Re:S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM but I think she was lonely and happier when she went back to work when I was in HS. My inclination to be a SAHM for the early years came from spending my 20s seeing how miserable coworkers with babies seemed to be, never having enough time, running from work to daycare, one who often called her DH to ask him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. That just didn't look like how I wanted to spend those years.
So, I stayed home, thinking it would be 3ish years. From my mom's cautionary tale, I put a lot of effort into building a strong social life plus continued to do freelance work so I stayed connected to my career. Ended up loving that phase of life and was home seven years before going back to FT work with no problem.
Similar experience, except I was a nanny in my early 20s. I had a ton of jobs and almost all of the moms were miserable. Some of the husbands would even apologize the mom didn't clean up even though they both worked full-time! I have concluded that being a mom sucks unless you have a lot of paid help. Stay at home mom, part-time mom, full-time mom. I have tired all.
What's wrong with part time mom? In my view, that's really the best of both worlds.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 17:26
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I’m the husband. My spouse and I got married decades ago and pretty young and pregnant. getting pregnant. We went off to grad school together with a baby in tow. I got a law degree and she sought a graduate degree in another field at the same school.
I was working full time locally the summer after my first year of law school and she was a full time summer student trying to
accelerate her graduation. We found a small, family run and very convenient day care for our oldest, who wasn’t quite two.
One day while bathing her she pointed to her private area and said something that caused me concern that she might have been molested in day care. I told my wife and she shared my concern. We went to the police and they, too, shared our concern but ultimately didn’t think they had nearly enough to prosecute. Again, this was decades ago and things were different.
In the meantime, we told the university and they immediately made room for our daughter in a preschool affiliated with them that had
had no openings and was more expensive but they helped us on both fronts for which we were very grateful.
My spouse finished her program and graduated a year before I finished law school. Knowing even before graduation that there would be no worthwhile job opportunities in the area for her after graduating, we decided to have another baby. She stayed home with that one and our oldest. Then I graduated and got a job with Biglaw and started making real money right away. We decided together that it didn’t make sense that we both work and put the kids in day care when I was already making a lot of money (clearly more than she could have made then) and we were frankly traumatized by our prior day care experience. In the end, she never did work outside the home and we had more kids.
We will never know what, if anything, really happened. But we’re not alarmists or crazy or anything. We remained convinced that something did. So the bottom line is that that experience and my high income together made the decision that she would stay home for us. It was never the plan before that.
I was working full time locally the summer after my first year of law school and she was a full time summer student trying to
accelerate her graduation. We found a small, family run and very convenient day care for our oldest, who wasn’t quite two.
One day while bathing her she pointed to her private area and said something that caused me concern that she might have been molested in day care. I told my wife and she shared my concern. We went to the police and they, too, shared our concern but ultimately didn’t think they had nearly enough to prosecute. Again, this was decades ago and things were different.
In the meantime, we told the university and they immediately made room for our daughter in a preschool affiliated with them that had
had no openings and was more expensive but they helped us on both fronts for which we were very grateful.
My spouse finished her program and graduated a year before I finished law school. Knowing even before graduation that there would be no worthwhile job opportunities in the area for her after graduating, we decided to have another baby. She stayed home with that one and our oldest. Then I graduated and got a job with Biglaw and started making real money right away. We decided together that it didn’t make sense that we both work and put the kids in day care when I was already making a lot of money (clearly more than she could have made then) and we were frankly traumatized by our prior day care experience. In the end, she never did work outside the home and we had more kids.
We will never know what, if anything, really happened. But we’re not alarmists or crazy or anything. We remained convinced that something did. So the bottom line is that that experience and my high income together made the decision that she would stay home for us. It was never the plan before that.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:34
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:Just realizing maybe should have posted in the parenting sub forum.
You can ask the DCUM moderator to move the thread, OP. You're right, it would fit best under parenting, not relationships. Its presence in this forum will get answers skewed toward the wife versus husband "who does the most child care/housework/etc." argument that is endemic here, when you're really seeking other moms to talk to about SAH.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:26
Subject: Re:S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I had a SAHM but I think she was lonely and happier when she went back to work when I was in HS. My inclination to be a SAHM for the early years came from spending my 20s seeing how miserable coworkers with babies seemed to be, never having enough time, running from work to daycare, one who often called her DH to ask him to try to keep the baby awake so she could see him when she got home. That just didn't look like how I wanted to spend those years.
So, I stayed home, thinking it would be 3ish years. From my mom's cautionary tale, I put a lot of effort into building a strong social life plus continued to do freelance work so I stayed connected to my career. Ended up loving that phase of life and was home seven years before going back to FT work with no problem.
Similar experience, except I was a nanny in my early 20s. I had a ton of jobs and almost all of the moms were miserable. Some of the husbands would even apologize the mom didn't clean up even though they both worked full-time! I have concluded that being a mom sucks unless you have a lot of paid help. Stay at home mom, part-time mom, full-time mom. I have tired all.
Intentional pun, or Freudian slip?
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:19
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Are there any SAHMs here who intend to never work again ever for a single hour in their life (including part time/flex)? And never go back to school?
My mom became a sahm and never earned a dollar in her life again nor did she go back to school.
My mom became a sahm and never earned a dollar in her life again nor did she go back to school.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:09
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I knew when my first child was born, age 23. I loved being home with them and available after they started school.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:04
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
I had a SAHM growing up and was grateful for how involved my mom had time to be in my school and extracurriculars. I knew I wanted to stay home for as long as I can remember. Definitely got judged for admitting that to some friends in college whose moms were hardcore, second wave feminists.
DH also grew up with a SAHM in his younger years and was totally on board. We talked about it before getting engaged. I think it would have been a dealbreaker for me if he felt differently.
It’s a season of life— I don’t think I’ll be home forever. And it would definitely feel impossible if DH and I didn’t have great respect for one another in the roles we’ve chosen.
DH also grew up with a SAHM in his younger years and was totally on board. We talked about it before getting engaged. I think it would have been a dealbreaker for me if he felt differently.
It’s a season of life— I don’t think I’ll be home forever. And it would definitely feel impossible if DH and I didn’t have great respect for one another in the roles we’ve chosen.
Anonymous
08/13/2023 16:00
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
If you are an older SAHM you do have to work harder on your marriage given the consequences of a divorce. I am now 50 and the outlook for many women without careers is dire if their husbands leave them. They may do ok in a settlement but there are still a large number of years where you need to earn some sort of income. Plus trying to find a new husband that would support you is far more difficult than for a woman in her 30s or even 40s
Anonymous
08/13/2023 15:54
Subject: S/o how did you know SAH in your twenties
Anonymous wrote:Yes, I did have a SAHM. Although I always planned to work when I was a mother. I had my first child in 2008 during the Great Recession and my industry was hit hard. So it was a great time to take a break and stay home with my baby. Two years later I had another baby. My DH’s income was sufficient for us to do this, and it increased over the years so it’s been fine. In the early days I did consider going back to work, but I liked our lifestyle. Everyone was happy and home life was easy.
Don’t you feel vulnerable financially?
So many marriages end in divorce, or the wife stays—miserable—because she fears what life will be like without her husband’s financial support.