Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The treatment options right now are taking hormonal therapy and a mid level chemo drug to stop progressions and shrink the tumors. She’s now saying she’s not sure she wants to do it. I’m feeling frustrated.

I think that is totally reasonable. She probably has friends who have been diagnosed with Parkinson's or Alzheimer's. Did her parents have a good quality of life into their 80s?

Why would having friends diagnosed with Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s affect her decision to treat her own breast cancer? She doesn’t know anyone with either of those diseases.

Her own parents never made it to their 80s. Both had cancer and died of it. One never went to the dr to even get it looked at until it was way too late.

There's a lot of research and support around breast cancer, and hopefully your mother will get the best care. Take one step at a time. Also, don't keep it a secret from everyone. It's okay to share the burden and fears with someone you trust.

-- breast cancer patient, daughter of breast cancer patient

Anonymous wrote:The treatment options right now are taking hormonal therapy and a mid level chemo drug to stop progressions and shrink the tumors. She’s now saying she’s not sure she wants to do it. I’m feeling frustrated.

I think that is totally reasonable. She probably has friends who have been diagnosed with Parkinson's or Alzheimer's. Did her parents have a good quality of life into their 80s?

The treatment options right now are taking hormonal therapy and a mid level chemo drug to stop progressions and shrink the tumors. She’s now saying she’s not sure she wants to do it. I’m feeling frustrated.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also think about your mom's overall health and how aggressively she wants to treat this. Some people have great quality of life in their 80s and some don't.

That’s what has me most worried. She definitely doesn’t want aggressive treatment.

If your mom does not want aggressive treatments, then someone will likely have to be on top of things and be ready to push back on doctors. My experience is that specialists tend to want to fix things and treat whatever they are trained to treat (understandable!) so their default will be to throw everything and the kitchen sink at this cancer, but that may not be what your mom wants or what makes sense given her health goals. You need to make that clear and may want to enlist a geriatrician to help you navigate all of this. Recovering from a mastectomy and/or radiation and handling the side effects of some cancer drugs is tough even when you are younger and healthier.

All very good points. But if she doesn’t proceed with treatments, the cancer will just spread, right?

It might spread when it wouldn't otherwise have spread. Or maybe it will spread even with treatment. Or maybe it isn't that aggressive and will spread very slowly and she will die of something else in several years (or more).

Be prepared she might not want to do anything aggressive at 80.

My mom watched her husband die (and faved awful years of chemo) from colon cancer abd them a very close friend battle bone cancer in his late 70s.

She’s come to the conclusion that she will not sign up for any aggressive treatment if it comes to that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also think about your mom's overall health and how aggressively she wants to treat this. Some people have great quality of life in their 80s and some don't.

That’s what has me most worried. She definitely doesn’t want aggressive treatment.

If your mom does not want aggressive treatments, then someone will likely have to be on top of things and be ready to push back on doctors. My experience is that specialists tend to want to fix things and treat whatever they are trained to treat (understandable!) so their default will be to throw everything and the kitchen sink at this cancer, but that may not be what your mom wants or what makes sense given her health goals. You need to make that clear and may want to enlist a geriatrician to help you navigate all of this. Recovering from a mastectomy and/or radiation and handling the side effects of some cancer drugs is tough even when you are younger and healthier.

All very good points. But if she doesn’t proceed with treatments, the cancer will just spread, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would also think about your mom's overall health and how aggressively she wants to treat this. Some people have great quality of life in their 80s and some don't.

That’s what has me most worried. She definitely doesn’t want aggressive treatment.

If your mom does not want aggressive treatments, then someone will likely have to be on top of things and be ready to push back on doctors. My experience is that specialists tend to want to fix things and treat whatever they are trained to treat (understandable!) so their default will be to throw everything and the kitchen sink at this cancer, but that may not be what your mom wants or what makes sense given her health goals. You need to make that clear and may want to enlist a geriatrician to help you navigate all of this. Recovering from a mastectomy and/or radiation and handling the side effects of some cancer drugs is tough even when you are younger and healthier.

Anonymous wrote:I would also think about your mom's overall health and how aggressively she wants to treat this. Some people have great quality of life in their 80s and some don't.

That’s what has me most worried. She definitely doesn’t want aggressive treatment.

I would also think about your mom's overall health and how aggressively she wants to treat this. Some people have great quality of life in their 80s and some don't.

Anonymous wrote:It’s very early in the process - we don’t even know what stage it is yet, but I’m so scared and I’m keeping it a secret from most people and my kids. I don’t know what to do or how to help. I live nearby. My parents are from the generation that isn’t open about any kind of medical issues - they are downright secretive about their health issues.

Hi OP. I’m sorry to hear that. A thing for you to hold onto is that breast cancer treatment has come a long way. My mom has beat two separate occurrences of breast cancer - the last time triple negative BC which is very aggressive. It is going to be okay

Thank you all! Appreciate the replies. A few updates. We know it is stage 3 right now and there is a plan. I am relieved it’s not a 4 but I know there is work to do. Taking it one day at a time.

Recently went through this with my mom. She's 75 and needed a double mastectomy. For telling the kids, I kept things very simple, but was honest. "Grandma has cancer. Cancer is scary because you don't know what might happen, and it can take a lot of tests to figure everything out...." We read the book Ruby Finds a Worry, and talked about sharing our feelings even when they're scary. They got it and brought my mom so much joy throughout the whole process.

They’ll get her through it! The care is good. My MIL had it 2 years ago. Negative for all 3 receptors, but stage 1 and all compact. She did a platinum based chemo and radiotherapy. No further issues, she’s 77 now.
Take it one step at a time, they have this disease well-treated. Even people that present with metastatic disease are living a decade or more managing it.

I am very sorry OP. I went trough this with my mother twice in her life. She had 2 breast cancers and 2 other cancers during her lifetime.
And now we are facing some other circumstances of all of the treatment she received during her lifetime.
I agree with the above poster that most breast cancers are very curable and even with stage 4 with the “right” breast cancer she can live over a decade. So she can make it well into her 90s!
Breastcancer.org is a wonderful community of very knowledgeable amazing women which I can’t recommend more.
It also might change your life perception, it did mine. I learned that even having such diagnosis you can live full life, run marathons and help others.
I wish you and your mother the best and lots of health!
Hugs!