Anonymous
08/11/2023 11:54
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).
I find it mind boggling that he hasn't worked since 2022 and "does the bare minimum or less". Are you giving him a pass on that because he's depressed and anxious or because you just know he's not interested in being an equal partner in your marriage and family?
He probably doesn't do it to her standards, so she just does it herself. OP, let go and let him take over. Cancel the house cleaner because you can't afford it. He can do it--make a chore chart. People with dopamine shortages like to check things off lists.
How about we see how OP answers the question, rather than listening to your guesses about her DH whom you've never met?
Anonymous
08/11/2023 11:53
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.
Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.
"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.
So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?
The use of "coddle" tells us that you really have no understanding of mental illness. And there is no magical, arbitrary deadline you or I or OP can set on how long the DH might be dealing with this. Such extreme hardass answers here from people who (as one PP rightly noted) don't get that mental illness is an illness and situations like OP's are not black-and-white ones with clear solutions and deadlines.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 11:49
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).
I find it mind boggling that he hasn't worked since 2022 and "does the bare minimum or less". Are you giving him a pass on that because he's depressed and anxious or because you just know he's not interested in being an equal partner in your marriage and family?
He probably doesn't do it to her standards, so she just does it herself. OP, let go and let him take over. Cancel the house cleaner because you can't afford it. He can do it--make a chore chart. People with dopamine shortages like to check things off lists.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 11:45
Subject: Starting to panic
It’s been 8 months. No offers yet? Is he in tech sales, that is taking a drubbing.
You need to figure out what he can pivot to, maybe it’s time to go back to school?
You need to figure out what he can pivot to, maybe it’s time to go back to school?
Anonymous
08/11/2023 10:08
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.
It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.
Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).
Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.
He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.
SSDI is possivle
Yes, that is the non needs based disability I was talking about. But it’s not like you can just file and say you were too depressed/stressed out to do your high paying niche job and you’ll get approved. They’re going to look at whether OP’s husband has the mental capacity to do even menial type work.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 10:06
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.
It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.
Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).
Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.
He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.
SSDI is possivle
Anonymous
08/11/2023 09:03
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.
It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.
Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).
Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.
He’s not going to get SSI if OP is working and they have savings to pull from. You have to be very low income to qualify. He is probably insured for the non-needs based disability benefits, but it’s not going to be about whether he can go back to a high paying, stressful job like before but whether he could do any job at all like even assembly line work. There will need to be some fairly significant mental health issues going on to be found disabled.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 08:42
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.
Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.
"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.
So how long should OP coddle her husband? forever?
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:52
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.
Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.
"Keeping busy" because your spouse laid out ultimatums and demanded you become the housekeeper "because you're being picky about jobs and you're home" is not the kind of keeping busy which will make a mentally ill person feel better.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:36
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.
Yes, and keeping busy is really good for mental illness.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:34
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Here’s the thing, OP. You’re blaming the job when you’ve got to know that it’s HIM. The poor guy has mental health challenges. Does everybody in his “toxic job” gain 40 pounds and suffer the other consequences that you’ve described? I highly, highly doubt it.
His inability to get a new job has nothing to do with his specialization and everything to do with his mental health. He and you need to focus exclusively on that. Really in the scheme of things he hasn’t been out of work for that long.
Disagree. I've seen my former boss being bullied at work. It was directed specifically at her, and most of the other people working there would not describe the workplace as toxic. But it was toxic for her. She eventually left, took about 6 months off, traveled, and started a new job in the same field with a different company, basically a lateral move.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:22
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
You are really an a$$hole. Can’t imagine being married to such a demanding shrew completely lacking in empathy. If the guy had cancer would you feel the same way? Mental illness is real.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:20
Subject: Starting to panic
Here’s the thing, OP. You’re blaming the job when you’ve got to know that it’s HIM. The poor guy has mental health challenges. Does everybody in his “toxic job” gain 40 pounds and suffer the other consequences that you’ve described? I highly, highly doubt it.
His inability to get a new job has nothing to do with his specialization and everything to do with his mental health. He and you need to focus exclusively on that. Really in the scheme of things he hasn’t been out of work for that long.
His inability to get a new job has nothing to do with his specialization and everything to do with his mental health. He and you need to focus exclusively on that. Really in the scheme of things he hasn’t been out of work for that long.
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:14
Subject: Starting to panic
He’s been out of work for 8 months? Time for him to get a job. Any job. He needs to stop being so picky. Even if he only makes half of his former income, that would be better than nothing.
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
Also, make him do ALL the housework until he gets a job. Why do you pay cleaners when he is home and you are spending more than you make?
Anonymous
08/11/2023 07:10
Subject: Starting to panic
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.
What is a Baha’i oral plan? Or is that a typo?
Behavioral plan
What a letdown.