Anonymous wrote:Basically, your H and you are trying to teach her basic boundaries. As she's willfully ignoring them, the first few times will be very hard. She will push back, guilt trip, wail, you name it, but for the long term health of your marriage and your relationship with her, absolutely necessary. She's a toddler that hasn't been taught proper manners. Hold firm, hold strong. Eventually she'll get that you meant your words, and that she could not just do whatever she pleases with no regard to you.

Yes! Difficult but SO WORTH IT OP.

Anonymous wrote:Put a stop to this now. If you let her come even though you and your DH have said no, she will continue this behavior for the rest of her life.

+1
Two weeks is a really long time.

Basically, your H and you are trying to teach her basic boundaries. As she's willfully ignoring them, the first few times will be very hard. She will push back, guilt trip, wail, you name it, but for the long term health of your marriage and your relationship with her, absolutely necessary. She's a toddler that hasn't been taught proper manners. Hold firm, hold strong. Eventually she'll get that you meant your words, and that she could not just do whatever she pleases with no regard to you.

I'm normally one to see things from the MIL's side but this is too far. You can't book a ticket without asking if the timing is good for the people who you plan to stay with. And two weeks is ridiculous no matter who it is. I would tell her she can pick a more convenient time and you will help cover the change fees or she doesn't come. You should not be dealing with this while you are trying to work nor should have to find a workspace outside of your home because she is rude.

Do you have kids? If so, what is MIL's idea for how they will pass the time?

Send her info on tour buses and cultural/religious orgs that might be able to entertain here.

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH is calling her tonight when he gets home and will be talking to her. This is a difficult situation - some of you make it sound so easy, but the reality is, she is his mother and as easy as it is to say online to turn her away at the door, the reality is much more difficult.

We will see what goes on tonight during the phone call.

Of course it is difficult to turn her away at the door - that's why we are saying to be proactive and tell her BEFORE she gets to your door. If she is struggling with money, maybe you can offer to pay the change fee on the flights?

Some tips for the phone call - look up JADE method and stick to it. So dont justify, argue, defend or explain. "Mom, this time frame Does. Not. Work. You need to change your flight, I was looking at Xdate-Ydate, what do you think?"

If she still wants to come during that time "Ok if you don't want to change your flight that's fine, but we are not available for sight seeing. You will need to book a hotel and spend 99% of that time alone. Wouldn't you rather come when we can spend some time together?"

It's difficult. Very difficult, especially the first time. But it gets easier, and setting boundaries now will be immensely helpful for your future. Also reiterate - "Next time, please check with us first".

Have dh look at his calendar and find a better block of time for her to come. This way it’s not saying no. It’s inviting her, just at a better time.

book rooms in the library in advance. so, you can work from there. tell her you have in person meetings. run run run OP!

Anonymous wrote:OP - DH is calling her tonight when he gets home and will be talking to her. This is a difficult situation - some of you make it sound so easy, but the reality is, she is his mother and as easy as it is to say online to turn her away at the door, the reality is much more difficult.

We will see what goes on tonight during the phone call.

Good luck! I cannot imagine imposing on someone like this with her own son out of town. When the day comes that my son is grown and living across the county, I would 100% want to plan With him (and sig other) to be able to see him (more so than 2 weeks of monuments in hot humid August!)

OP - DH is calling her tonight when he gets home and will be talking to her. This is a difficult situation - some of you make it sound so easy, but the reality is, she is his mother and as easy as it is to say online to turn her away at the door, the reality is much more difficult.

We will see what goes on tonight during the phone call.

Anonymous wrote:Yea your mother in law sounds really unreasonable but I have zero sympathy for the work from homers whose home space has become cramped with work space and can no longer comfortably accommodate guests. If you worked in an office like a normal person you wouldn’t even have to see your MIL. You’d just go to work.

OP here. We are living here temporarily. DH's assignment ends Sept 2024. We do not need a huge house - DH has a housing 'allowance' that he gets for working here and max'ed it out with a 2 bed/2bath apartment in Arlington - we actually own a home in Arizona that my sister is living in while we are in the DC area.

OP, is there another space where you can work that's outside of your apartment? If she shows up, you're the one who will have to deal with it, as your husband won't be in town to intervene. There's nothing you can do once she's inside your home, knocking on your office door every 20 minutes to see what you're up to. You need an escape plan if she actually goes through with this visit.

Nope. He needs to insist she changes so he can see her too. If that doesn’t work, you should go see someone else like your parents, or rent a workspace, or go on a vacation by yourself. If DH complains about the expense, none his mom.

Another vote for DH tells her not to come.

If she's oblivious to basic manners, your work, your schedule, and DH telling her it doesn't work, then you both have to be extremely blunt with her. Say and text/email, "No, you cannot come at this time." And keep saying it.

If she keeps pretending that its fine for her to come or she's already got tickets or whatever argument she throws at you, tell her she's not going to stay in your home.

And, if you're thinking of having kids, set this boundary now or she'll ramp up the crazy when the kids come.

Book her on some sightseeing tours so she can go by herself