Reciprocity is really important in relationships. I learned that the hard way when my therapist told me I was doing 80% of the work in my marriage.

Not married anymore, and my X is currently also doing 20% of the work in their current relationship.

What you describe is an imbalance. Holding out hope that someone is as into you as you are into them is a horrible feeling, and it erodes over time, especially as he has been clear that he sees a progression and you don't. Deciding you're okay with it can border on cruel.

I'd recommend you either end it, or be ready for him to find another. You're going to keep not meeting his needs and the gap is going to get bigger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve already expressed your feelings about it. He has the choice to find who he’s looking for or continue on and persuade you. For now, let it ride.

Unfortunately, the "let it ride" advice means that OP would continue to hide her true feelings from her boyfriend. He wants to move in together and eventually get married - he's made that explicitly clear.

But OP states the following:

Yes, happy to be faithful. But not sure about getting married or even living together.

I doubt she's been that candid or blunt with him. She's likely hedged her comments to him and that has left him hoping for the best. "Let it ride" means continuing to lead him on for another 5 years.

I bet if she said to him "I'm not sure about getting married or even living together" his jaw would drop to the floor.

OP can come back to confirm. But now I'm leaning towards breaking up with him since she doesn't have the same goals as her BF.

I have in fact been as candid and blunt with BF as I have with DCUM.

In her OP, she says she has been candid about her wish to let things ride and he wants to change her mind. So he knows! If he wants something else, he should break up. It's working for OP and she has been honest.

Anonymous wrote:You’ve already expressed your feelings about it. He has the choice to find who he’s looking for or continue on and persuade you. For now, let it ride.

Unfortunately, the "let it ride" advice means that OP would continue to hide her true feelings from her boyfriend. He wants to move in together and eventually get married - he's made that explicitly clear.

But OP states the following:

Yes, happy to be faithful. But not sure about getting married or even living together.

I doubt she's been that candid or blunt with him. She's likely hedged her comments to him and that has left him hoping for the best. "Let it ride" means continuing to lead him on for another 5 years.

I bet if she said to him "I'm not sure about getting married or even living together" his jaw would drop to the floor.

OP can come back to confirm. But now I'm leaning towards breaking up with him since she doesn't have the same goals as her BF.

You’ve already expressed your feelings about it. He has the choice to find who he’s looking for or continue on and persuade you. For now, let it ride.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

Disappointed of course, but also grateful for the time we did have together, and - I’d like to think - accepting that it wasn’t meant to last forever.

Oh, OP, let this man go so he can find someone who yearns to spend time with him and make him happy (and vice versa). He wants a deep connection and you do not, for whatever reason. Don’t hold on to him out of convenience (and possibly your own commitment phobia).

+1. If you know that you are unwilling to compromise and work towards fulfilling his expressed longer-term needs, you shouldn’t be holding on to him. It’s selfish. Do you not care about him? If you are adamant about maintaining your independence and he is seeking a closer relationship, you are incompatible as a couple.

Just keep on keeping on. Nothing has to be decided yet. Who knows, you may change your mind eventually. I’m in a similar situation to you. Long term boyfriend (although mine lives close by), I have an empty nest and his kids are still in school. No intent to cohabitate or blend families and frankly I never had any intention of getting remarried. I enjoy my house and space and freedom. As the years have progressed I’m finding that I can’t imagine not having him in my life as a partner. We still have four more years while his kids make it through school before a decision needs to be made but I’m honestly leaning toward remarriage eventually. He’s been interested this whole time. So I’d let it ride and see where you end up. Just make sure you’re being transparent with him so he can decide if he’s okay with that.

PS - please come back to this thread a year or two from now and give us an update. I'd really like to know how everything plays out.