Amazing how wrong everyone’s advice here is.

Op get a copy of The Defiant Child by Kazdin. If you cannot successfully implement a plan on your own, seek out a behavioral psychologist.

No electronics for three days.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no issues like this with him at school, to the helpful poster who suggested he is on the verge of shooting a teacher.

They get home from camp this week at 230pm. I work until 4pm (DH picks them up and brings them home where they proceed to watch 1.5 hours of TV until I get home while he finishes his work).

When I get home, I generally let them watch another 20 mins of TV and then tell them it's time to do something else. So I did not turn off the TV in anger, but rather because after nearly 2 hours of watching memes on YouTube, it is time for something else.

This schedule isn’t setting them up for success. Two hours of YouTube would fry anyone’s impulse control faculties. Get through the week, but please don’t plan on using YouTube as a babysitter anymore.

What is the child’s father doing? This sounds like he needs dad to intervene and insulate you from this horrific behavior. Also, you need a punishment that feels like justice *to you* so you don’t subconsciously act in revenge against him later.

A logical consequence would be not to allow him to watch television because he can’t handle being told to turn off the television without hurting you.

With tv it’s easy. If you give me a hard time about turning off the tv, then there’s no more tv (or other screens) for a certain amount of time. “If watching tv results in this behavior, you’re gonna have to take a break from it.”

I agree with the idea that screens are very hard for kids to shut down, but this is more than that. It sounds like a lack of respect. If he is nasty to his brother, he has to do his brother’s chores or let him play with a toy that is his that the brother usually doesn’t get to touch. He has to pay him back for being unkind.

The rude language to you needs a family meeting when everyone is calm, with his dad included. The effects of hurtful language should be discussed and consequences imposed immediately. He loses the screens, for sure, since that’s a favor you do for him by allowing him access. He goes to bed early, because he’s not acting like a big kid. He does extra chores.

You also need to reinforce him for polite behavior.

Ask him why he can be polite at school and not at camp, and why you don’t deserve the same consideration? And have his dad take over. You can just get in the car and go out for a while.

I am not anti-screen time, but that is way too much screen time.

If consequences were the answer every therapist would treat a child by giving severe consequences. But they don’t.

If you feel like you need help, get professional help, not DCUM

Some of you are crazy.
My 11yo is hard right now, I get it, it’s a rollercoaster. She doesn’t get to say I hate you, I hope you die, etc without consequence though. She never said those things do I don’t have good ideas for you OP but I commiserate and think you need to try to nip that language and the throwing things.

“You chose to behave poorly toward me. Because if this, no screens tomorrow. If it happens again, you will lose screens for more days.”

Screens cause tantrums so no screens. Would your DH enforce?

Cut the plug off the TV.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no issues like this with him at school, to the helpful poster who suggested he is on the verge of shooting a teacher.

They get home from camp this week at 230pm. I work until 4pm (DH picks them up and brings them home where they proceed to watch 1.5 hours of TV until I get home while he finishes his work).

When I get home, I generally let them watch another 20 mins of TV and then tell them it's time to do something else. So I did not turn off the TV in anger, but rather because after nearly 2 hours of watching memes on YouTube, it is time for something else.

Get DH under control first. No chance at saving the kid if DH is dedicating hours to rotting his brain.

Also---this is PP above. Do not be afraid use the administrator function on your router to shut down the wi-fi to various devices. Once you have time-limited all the devices, then you have taken some of the "policing" burden off yourself.

I totally agree with all the folks saying I need to get to bottom of what is driving the behavior, then teach the skills that are lacking.

What do I do in the instant when something like this happens though? Some of you are saying not right to send him to his room -- I am truly at a loss for what the immediate reaction from me should be.

For the pillow-throwing incident, you turn off the screens for a couple of days. I used to describe screens and the explosive reaction to turning them off as being based in brain science, and explain to a 9 year old, who is old enough to get it, that research says that kids have a hard time being able to turn off the screens and often react poorly (which he did). The dopamine he gets from each little jolt of happy YouTube meme is addictive. His behavior just supported that research. So you need to dial back the screen usage because it is not good for him or for you. Don't personalize it to him, instead make it about him learning to control electronics usage before it controls him.

You are letting a 9 yo have way too much screen time, BTW. (And I know this is a super hard battle---I fought it)

And you were right to send him to his room. I explained it as "this is not acceptable behavior. You are obviously upset. Take those feelings to your room and cool off and we can discuss it further when you are calm."

It may be, as some PP suggested, that there is something else big going on that is driving the behavior. But before launching the kid into expensive therapy, I would try adjusting his screen time and getting his buy-in to do it. He likely doesn't want to get in trouble. I would also come up with some sort of carrot to reward the screen withdrawal and better behavior. Is there a cool lego that he wants, e.g.? Tell him that you are going to conduct an experiment. He reduces his screen time by "X" factor per week and then, if you have seen improvement, he gets Y. There used to be a book---I forget the name---that was very into this type of incentive-based behavior modification. For some kids it definitely works. If it doesn't work with him, then you may have some bigger issues that need investigation.

The throwing of things is what you need to nip in the bud now, and hard.