These posts are so helpful. Be careful, though, not to talk down to OP or treat her like she’s a baby herself.

OP, call your doctor NOW and make sure as much as possible that you are never alone with your baby until you are treated. You will be fine.

It's not the baby you hate, but it's all the situations and their ripple effects you hate and it's mixed with disappointment.

Please seek help. Tell your doctor (although im surprised you haven't been screened for it at the babyweekly wellness checks).
There are support groups for PPD (online or in person) that can help too.

Agree with everyone that on the OB and I’m glad you’re getting the help.

I also want to say that it is understandable to feel anger and rage when a baby has been screaming for hours and you’re exhausted and trying everything and they just won’t stop. When the newborn stage is awful it’s entirely understandable to wonder if you’ve ruined your life and feel lots of regret and disconnect from the baby that it feels like you can’t make happy and believe you’re not cut out for this. I felt the same and honestly hated the newborn stage for each of my children. However what the perspective with time and distance offers later on is that this phase is a tiny tiny blip in the experience of being a mother and raising a child. You can hate the newborn phase and long term love being a mom overall and be great at it. You can mourn that you didn’t revel in snuggling and newborn baby smell the way some people seem to and in a couple years delight that you love the toddler stage which other people loathe.

None of this is to say it’s not urgent that you get help (it is!) but sometimes I feel like ppd emotions are just disregarded as illogical hormones which I dont agreee with. I found it very helpful to both treat my ppd with meds and to do a few therapy sessions with a therapist that validated my feelings which then also helped me let go of them over time. This is a tiny blip in your parenting journey - at the time it was devastating to feel this way, 6 years out I don’t feel anything about it beyond “yep, I’m not a newborn person and it was a few awful months that in no way define my parenting journey”

OP fwiw I think we basically ALL get PPD/PPA and it’s just a matter of how much and how much help we need/ask for. Yours needs the attention of your doctor, ASAP. But as far as is it “normal,” YES.

Everyone is telling you it’s PPD and it’s brain chemistry. I understand why.

There’s also the chance that you’re simply very unhappy because of a terrible situation. A lot of women dislike having a baby but it’s not socially acceptable to share this. You destroyed your body, can’t go to work, aren’t sleeping well or at all, can’t go to social functions etc…of course you’re unhappy! It’s a major life change and isn’t necessarily a chemical imbalance.

Regardless get help. But not just for PPD. Try to find a sitter, night nurse, anyone who can give you a break, even if it’s short. Even just going for a manicure or a coffee will help your mood. Try to start exercising with the baby as that can help and is a break from holding the baby. Also babies cry and make sure putting the baby down in a safe place even if the baby cries.

Call your doctor, call your mom and friends for help. Do not wait! You can get meds ASAP. Don't feel bad. It's hormones.

I agree with all the others that you have PPD. Even though I did not have classic PPD, it is not at all uncommon to not feel blissful and all gaga over the baby. I didn’t really enjoy mine until he got a personality. See your doctor, rely on your partner and other friends/family, and just hang in there.

I had such severe anxiety after the birth of DC2 that my OB put me on Zoloft immediately. That saved my life. PPD is real and it is messed up brain chemistry primarily. Get help immediately because this can be remedied quickly.

PPD does not happen to FTM only. It can happen to women who are experienced mums too. I did not hate my baby, I just hated my life. As I had a very good marriage, a lot of help and support and very easy baby, - I recognized my PPD very early. As another pp said - PPD is a liar and tells you terrible things.

Anonymous wrote:It’s very good of you to ask this question, OP. It’s amazing how our thoughts can trick us. Keep listening to your “wise mind” and make sure your very common, treatable medical condition gets treated. Hugs to you.

NP. Yes, absolutely. OP, sweet pea, depression lies to you. It has the sneakiest, cleverest little worms of lies. One of the big ones is that you aren't trying hard enough, that if you were a better person, a better mother, you would muster up the willpower to just will this away. That you are a burden, and your baby deserves someone stronger and better than you.

Don't listen to that one. Don't EVER even give it the time of day. It's a lie. Depression tells that story to just about every woman who faces this fight. We all know it's a lie when we aren't in the grip of this. People who work with women that face this are ready and waiting to help you with so many more resources than you know.

Big hugs. Listen to us. It's rare that DCUM has a full consensus, but you got it. And you got this, too. Just need a stick from someone to fight it with.

Sleep well.

It’s very good of you to ask this question, OP. It’s amazing how our thoughts can trick us. Keep listening to your “wise mind” and make sure your very common, treatable medical condition gets treated. Hugs to you.

Sending you love OP! Glad you are reaching out for help.

A lot of us have been there and came out on the other side.

Call the doctor and ask your partner, family, or a trusted friend for help. Even if it’s just being with you while you take Cate of the child.

You are traumatized, babies are hard, expectations don’t always match reality, your hormones can impact how you feel. But you need to get help now.

This is definitely PPD. It's how mine manifested. Rock bottom was waiting for DH to pick me up with DS. And as I waited I just kept thinking how if there was a car accident and only DH was fine, I'd be ok with that. I got into the car and just started sobbing. I felt stupid for having PPD, my delivery was easy, DS was healthy, DH was incredibly supportive and I had a strong family/friends support system. And yet I just was miserable. My biggest regret in life is that DS was 8 months before I got the help I needed. While I know my memories of that time are tainted, I hate not having a lot of happy memories of DS as a baby. He's 10 now and our bond is awesome, but I look back on that time with shame and regret.

I'm so glad to hear you're going to get help

When my now 15 year old was born prematurely after a very traumatic pregnancy, I felt like you. I agree it is post-partum depression. I was never diagnosed. I had thoughts about just dropping her on the floor when she was screaming. 15 years later I still feel guilty about the thoughts - I never told anyone I had those thoughts. I never dropped her or treated her with anything other than a gentle hand - except in my mind. The thoughts got fewer and further between until they disappeared around 6-8 months. I love her very deeply and wish I had got some help with the thoughts of my own. It may have made me feel better.

Sleep helps!

In addition to getting in touch with your doc immediately, PLEASE make sure someone is with you at all times until things get better and you are stable.

You were right to post here and to discuss with your husband. Good job. Please take this seriously and continue to ask for help. By getting help you are doing a wonderful thing for you and your family.

For many who have traumatic births, it can take a while to really process it because you are thrown into the deep end of the pool. Get as much help as you need! You can do this and it can and will get so much better!!