Anonymous wrote:Fed/Big Law only works when the Fed is the primary parent and has a job with either prestige or flexibility. If you don’t think this guy is primary parent/household material, it’s not a fit. Also if you will resent not being primary parent, it’s not a fit.

100% This poster nicely summarized the state of affairs in three sentences.

Do you really like him or do you feel pressure to settle down and now you are nitpicking because you are not really into him? The answer probably has very little to do with his salary and job (which is pretty commonplace here in DC and fine especially if you work full-time in an equivalent or higher paying job too).

Fed/Big Law only works when the Fed is the primary parent and has a job with either prestige or flexibility. If you don’t think this guy is primary parent/household material, it’s not a fit. Also if you will resent not being primary parent, it’s not a fit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insufficient information— how old is *he* and GS14 *what*.

If he’s a 30 y/o GS14 it’s very different than a 40 y/o GS14. Bear in mind the GS14-15 jump is a trap— going into the 15 without your 5-7 year plan for leaving government in place means accepting wage stagnation.

If you don’t know this much about government salaries by 32, living in the DC area, it may be better for you to just continue to date industry.

OP here. He’s 36, and has no interest in ever moving to private practice. It just strikes me as a red flag - not wanting to live up to his full potential.

FWIW I’m in big law and have dated in that realm, or higher income men.

Having dated big law and struck out, you honestly can’t see how ambition isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? How many partners are on meds just to get through the day? Wouldn’t you rather be happy in Silver Spring than miserable in Potomac?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a GS-14, stepped out. I have great flexibility. I work from home. I have great health benefits and retirement savings.

It’s around $180k (including bonus). The true genius of it is job security and ability to have a great family life with the flexibility and leave.

And amazing health insurance and retirement.

I know a crap ton of people making $250,000 who have nothing saved for retirement.

They can back end it and not give up quality for life.

Anonymous wrote:I turned 32 this year and made a resolution to find someone to settle down with. Last month I hit it off with someone who seemed great. The problem is he’s civil service, GS-14.

Everyone I’ve dated in the past has been much higher income (private industry). I’m worried long term I’m going to be resentful if he can’t contribute to our lifestyle.

Should I cut him loose?

I’m so sorry, OP. Hugs.

Are. you. serious? I'm a very happy 50-year old GS-14 married to a very stressed out GS-15 manager. My husband wishes he never went into management and we would have had almost as much money if he was a maxed out GS-14. We have a great life except for my husband's job stress. I chose to stay in my GS-14 job and not move into management because I really enjoy the work and it brings me new challenges all of the time.
It sounds like money is the most important thing in your life, so being in a relationship with a government worker would be bad for both of you. Please cut him loose now.

OP - No one can answer this question but you. There are a lot of positive qualities to marrying a man who is comfortable being a civil servant - job security, retirement, happy in his job and not bringing home intense work stress, etc. For me, this would ONLY work if he were also comfortable taking on more of the home/childcare work, and importantly, that he did it WELL and took ownership over all of those life tasks like women do. I know I would be incredibly resentful marrying a man like this if he came home expecting a wife who had dinner on the table, kids tucked away in bed, and the home spotless while she was also working an intense job making anywhere from four to over ten times his income (like many women do in Big Law). Or, alternatively, if he promised to take on more of the work at home but was doing a bad job at it.

I have a high-paying job myself, and if I am truly honest with myself, I think I would have trouble marrying a man who was fine being capped out at 180K in DC area, or other high cost of living area. Given how expensive everything is, including college tuition, I want someone who is making a comparable income. I also like having a comfortable home without a long commute, the flexibility to pay for private schools, and money just not being a worry. I am attracted to men who want to go out and provide for their family, just like I do. We all have our own preferences and I think that is OK.

If you are even asking this question, I think you need to let this poor man go and find someone that you are going to be more compatible with. He will make some other woman very happy.

Dear OP, I would think I terms of one partner having stability, and one making more $$$. But I think you also have to be realistic re: maternity leave, private schools (if that is a priority) etc. Your GS-14 man obviously cannot finance all of that. I mean, plenty of Big Law male partners have a wife in public sector, non-profit world, or even SAHM.

What is truly hard to predict is motherhood experience. Some women combine motherhood and career somewhat effortlessly because they feel comfortable with delegating childcare and household chores. Others really struggle.

Anonymous wrote:I turned 32 this year and made a resolution to find someone to settle down with. Last month I hit it off with someone who seemed great. The problem is he’s civil service, GS-14.

Everyone I’ve dated in the past has been much higher income (private industry). I’m worried long term I’m going to be resentful if he can’t contribute to our lifestyle.

Should I cut him loose?

How much are you making in comparison - Double, half, the same? How do you define contribution to lifestyle - flexibility in work schedule , good retirement benefits, job stability, financially able to have one parent SAH in an expensive cost of living area, enough for private school and a vacation home?

Assuming this isn’t a troll post, the answer really depends on what you see as “our lifestyle” , if objectively a GS14 salary plus your salary is enough to realize that lifestyle, and how much you feel your contribution could be without feeling resentful. Some people are fine if they are providing 75% of the income that contributes to their family’s lifestyle and some people are not.

Anonymous wrote:Insufficient information— how old is *he* and GS14 *what*.

If he’s a 30 y/o GS14 it’s very different than a 40 y/o GS14. Bear in mind the GS14-15 jump is a trap— going into the 15 without your 5-7 year plan for leaving government in place means accepting wage stagnation.

If you don’t know this much about government salaries by 32, living in the DC area, it may be better for you to just continue to date industry.

OP here. He’s 36, and has no interest in ever moving to private practice. It just strikes me as a red flag - not wanting to live up to his full potential.

FWIW I’m in big law and have dated in that realm, or higher income men.

Anonymous wrote:You should cut him loose so he can dodge a bullet

Yes. This.

If you had a job, this wouldn’t be an issue OP.

Go somewhere else, Op.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insufficient information— how old is *he* and GS14 *what*.

If he’s a 30 y/o GS14 it’s very different than a 40 y/o GS14. Bear in mind the GS14-15 jump is a trap— going into the 15 without your 5-7 year plan for leaving government in place means accepting wage stagnation.

If you don’t know this much about government salaries by 32, living in the DC area, it may be better for you to just continue to date industry.

Doesn’t matter. There is very little difference between a GS 14 and GS 15 in stepped out salaries. Some GS 14s make more than some GS15s, as 15s max at 7 now.

That was why I said you need the 5-7 year plan when you make the jump. In my sector, 15s make about $100k more when they go to the private sector than 14s do when they make the jump, because there are so many 14s in DC.

If he’s a stepped out 14 in his 30s it means he’s not going to have the earning potential OP seems to be seeking.