Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are funeral event coordinators who do event planning much like for any other big event (weddings, anniversaries, milestone birthdays, etc). You can find someone when the time comes.

Then you send a note to your sister, "I'm planning to hire an event coordinator to plan Dad's funeral. Do you want to help select them, or should I just find someone to handle it?"

I like this approach better:

“Dad’s funeral is at Dearly Departed Funeral Home in Alexandria on [date] at 10:00 am, with interment immediately following at Quiet Rest Cemetery. You are welcome to attend if you can behave like a civilized adult. If you attend and misbehave, I will have you arrested and removed.

I’m a bit confused. These are siblings on equal footing correct? What if sibling does the same thing? Would OP be okay going along to get along?

I actually doubt it.

You could hire almost anyone with high conflict tolerance for this; you don’t need a special kind of professional.

Family with two problem siblings.

My mom prepaid everything including the donation to the church, flowers, etc. I went to the funeral home and selected everything. I also had to do something at the cemetery for it ahead of time though the plot was purchased. I don’t remember if she gave permission over the phone for me to do this but I also had power of attorney and was on the health directive.

I sent siblings the date, time, place when the time came. We did not have a meal or reception afterwards. One problem person was late, one was no show. We did not have phone conversations, all email.

However, I like the idea of forgoing it altogether.

Then we dealt with the inheritance and it really, really helps to have a lawyer who contacts them or in our case, their lawyers, and you let them do as much of the communication as possible.

If they are badly behaved, they will be badly behaved when dealing with this life event. They will not rise to the occasion. Prepare and plan and pick your battles.

I'm sorry OP. My sister is very similar. I think you just tell the funeral home that they need to be the intermediary and essentially in charge, and they should be able to handle it. Just keep re-iterating the message to them if they slip.

Also, the funeral is for the living. I suggest giving a good hard think about what you want out of the funeral. At my father's funeral, after I spoke, my sister got up and refuted everything I said and went on to complain what an awful man our father was. I hope that doesn't happen to you. I'm planning to NOT speak at my mother's funeral. And at my brother's funeral I only had very formal superficial interactions with her. I shared my remarks with her beforehand, and asked to see hers. She did share, and didn't diverge from them too much in the delivery - but it was a brother and not a parent.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Boundaries, planning, and peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are funeral event coordinators who do event planning much like for any other big event (weddings, anniversaries, milestone birthdays, etc). You can find someone when the time comes.

Then you send a note to your sister, "I'm planning to hire an event coordinator to plan Dad's funeral. Do you want to help select them, or should I just find someone to handle it?"

I like this approach better:

“Dad’s funeral is at Dearly Departed Funeral Home in Alexandria on [date] at 10:00 am, with interment immediately following at Quiet Rest Cemetery. You are welcome to attend if you can behave like a civilized adult. If you attend and misbehave, I will have you arrested and removed.

That's not what OP said. In the OP she said:

When the time comes, I would like to be able to plan our father's funeral without interacting with her at all. I am willing to let her do everything, but she would not. She also will not allow me to take the reigns. Are there services in northern Virginia where you can hire someone to communicate with both of us and do everything. It if comes down to the planner saying "well your sister wants x, not y" to keep things moving, I would go along with anything. I simply do not want to interact with her because it opens the door to alarming behavior.

So, your missive will only fan an already enflamed situation. You're ensuring that she'll fight OP and be a guaranteed problem instead of just an expected problem.

Anonymous wrote:There are funeral event coordinators who do event planning much like for any other big event (weddings, anniversaries, milestone birthdays, etc). You can find someone when the time comes.

Then you send a note to your sister, "I'm planning to hire an event coordinator to plan Dad's funeral. Do you want to help select them, or should I just find someone to handle it?"

I like this approach better:

“Dad’s funeral is at Dearly Departed Funeral Home in Alexandria on [date] at 10:00 am, with interment immediately following at Quiet Rest Cemetery. You are welcome to attend if you can behave like a civilized adult. If you attend and misbehave, I will have you arrested and removed.

There are funeral event coordinators who do event planning much like for any other big event (weddings, anniversaries, milestone birthdays, etc). You can find someone when the time comes.

Then you send a note to your sister, "I'm planning to hire an event coordinator to plan Dad's funeral. Do you want to help select them, or should I just find someone to handle it?"

Totally agree with other PPs that I would just not have a funeral. I am sorry for your relationship with sibling & also that your father is ill. Sorry as well for the loss of your mom. All of this must be very stressful. Sending hugs from a stranger....

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there even a need for a funeral at all? We did a “celebration of life” party in memory of my dad a few months after he passed and since he was cremated we just had him interred (it had been pre-arranged) and visited as a family once it was done.

You could forego the funeral and just do your own thing with close family and friends and a time you choose. Let her do her own thing as well. Funerals are for the living.

OP here. This may be an option. Thank you. I will look through the paperwork. I don't think he pre-paid a funeral, but will double check.

Who cares if he pre-paid. You don’t have to have a funeral. You can honor your dad anyway you want. Hire an attorney to help settle the estate if there is anything let. Then complete cut ties with your sister once your father passes.

In my family everything is planned and paid for in advance before the person dies of old age. Obviously sudden deaths are different. But my dad is like 75 and his cemetery plot is paid for, perpetual landscaping for it is paid for, he's set aside money for the service and the rabbi to conduct it, and I'm pretty sure his headstone is paid for. Yes, it's a little morbid, but it sure makes things easier when people die.

So yes, this can be done ahead of time. And yes, there are funeral planners - ask at the place where memorials are done.