Anonymous wrote:Here’s the situation. DD and her boyfriend have been together for 1.5 years and are very much in love. They are both almost 19 and heading to the same college in the fall. They are quite serious and even plan on getting married “one day.”

The problem? Both DD and boyfriend are very introverted and shy people who have difficulty making friends. Her father and I are both the same way, and as much as I love him. I have to admit, if I could do it over, I would marry someone who is more outgoing. I truly believe that shy people benefit from being with someone who helps bring them out of their shell. My husband and I have barely made any friends during our married lives, and I see the same thing happening with my daughter and boyfriend. I don’t want to see her make the same mistake I did.

So what do I do? Do I gently tell her that they would both benefit from being with more outgoing people? How would she take that? Would she be offended and not listen? Plus I really don’t feel comfortable essentially admitting that I regret marrying her father.

But you don’t know if they would match better with a more outgoing SO or not. You’re just guessing. Your situation is not your DD’s.

You're trying to create problems where there aren't any. There's nothing for you "to do." Stay out of their relationship.

You seem to be doing it in more subtle ways then outright asking to breakup as he won't if you asked but putting doubts in his mind about her and dating more is going to kill this relationship, even if they themselves don't want to.

this is a no but I totally agree with where you're coming from. I'm a few years down the line from you with my DS and his gf having been together since summer before senior year of HS and now rising juniors in college. I don't think she's right for him, she's too shy, quiet and just not as thoughtful as he is -meaning he likes to talk about world events and "big things" which weigh on his mind and she couldn't care less. He wanted to break up with her last summer but kept it going because he didn't want to hurt her and now this year, she has actually grown up a bit and is coming out of her shell. He is happier this summer than he was last summer. I still have kindly advised him that they both need to date others before deciding they are "it" for each other, so he's still considering asking for a break in the fall (they are in a long distance relationship at school), but as of now they are happy.

I really want him to date others, I think there are way better fits for him out there. That said, I am not in control and the last thing I'd want to do is to advise him to break it off only to find out that she was the one for him.

I am an introvert married to an extrovert and is has led to nothing but trouble for me. I am unhappy because I do things to appease him all the time, and he feels like I hold him back. He also thinks not wanting to go out all the time equals being lazy and boring. My self esteem has taken a big hit over the years. As it became clear that one of our children was also an introvert, he has expressed dissatisfaction with this and clearly favors our other child. The grass isn’t always greener.

Nope

Anonymous wrote:I agree to leave it be. I think it's wonderful that your introverted DD has found someone who matters to her. I have a couple of introverts in their late twenties who haven't been able to bring themselves to date.

See what happens. My niece dated the same person from age 18 to 25 and was recently married to him. They're a wonderful couple.

This^. Finding decent and compatible partners isn't an easy task. Dating world is a mess, marriages are messier and divorces a nightmare. Why let pursuit of perceived perfection kill existing love and loyalty?

In short: no. Let her figure it out.

Also leave room for her or him to change in the next few years, even if they stay together. Don't fall into the trap of seeing both of them as the HS student they once were and being unable to recognize growth and evolution.

Odds are very much in favor of them breaking up before they graduate college, but if they don't, you need to consider that your DD knows better what she wants and needs than you do. It's not your life.

I agree to leave it be. I think it's wonderful that your introverted DD has found someone who matters to her. I have a couple of introverts in their late twenties who haven't been able to bring themselves to date.

See what happens. My niece dated the same person from age 18 to 25 and was recently married to him. They're a wonderful couple.

I've heard of controlling parents trying to break up a couple over class, race, religion etc etc but breaking up a couple over being too compatible is a first. Stay out of it or one day you may end up blaming yourself for her ending up with a person she doesn't feel comfortable with but he matches Mommy's dream partner.

They may enter college as “introverts” and completely change. My sister was a totally introverted nerd at 18. After college, she’s very social, the life of the party, and throws huge parties with her big friend group. I envy her friend group. You never know what a 19 yr old will be like in 10 years.

I mean you can talk to her about your concerns about her socializing and meeting new people in college, but not in the context of her boyfriend. FWIW, my introverted sister and her extrovert spouse got divorced. He's a great guy and they coparent well, but long term the clash of their two personalities led to both being miserable and resentful.

So… you are the pot calling the kettle black…and you want her to do as you say, not as you do. Good parenting!
Stop projecting your regrets and leave her the f alone.

No

I wouldn't say anything about the relationship. I'd give the normal advice about putting herself out there in college and meeting people, without any mention of her boyfriend. (Join a club! Say yes to late night pizza with floor mates!)