Anonymous wrote:I like your writing style OP

Hey, thanks! I aspire to be a writer and love to write and get feedback on my writing, so this was an unexpected but much welcomed dopamine hit! DCUM’s anonymity allows me to be much more open and honest than anything I could write for an audience IRL, since I don’t want the world knowing our private business. So it’s nice to hear my pathetic mess was engaging, at least! 🙂

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

Thank you, pocket friend! OP here. This may be the nicest set of replies I’ve ever gotten to any of my posts, and I’ve written at least 100 over the past decade. I don’t feel cool as in trendy, and I’m super socially awkward, but I do think I’m generally a really decent person and have a quirky, warm, accepting personality. I’ve worked a lot on self acceptance and compassion, and I try to offer this to everyone I meet. Your kindness means a LOT!

Anonymous wrote:Sending you internet hugs OP- I hope you can find your happy soon.

Thank you, pocket friend. I wish you all the best, too. I am working toward my happy, for sure.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

OP here. It’s a remote possibility but he is such an introvert and generally is so negative about people, hates getting out of his comfort zone, and hates his body right now, that I can’t see him actually engaging physically with anyone in person. But it’s possible. He was working from home for 2 years straight while I was at work. That’s a lot of time when I just trusted him to be home without visitors.

What if you just said the truth to him anyway… even if you do figure he will have a rage attack and lash out. Do it just for the sake of being honest and transparent. And bring all that understanding, calm, candor and compassion that is in your style of writing.

“Hey, I wanted to mention something potentially awkward and important. Just know I have no judgement and share this with the intent of being transparent. I noticed there are a bunch of orders for thongs and lingerie under our Amazon account. Are these yours and what are they for?”

Just let the pieces fall where they may. You have no control over him but you have this info and it’s kind of significant. Why not share it. Keeping it in like a secret makes it a burden.

Maybe close the account or unlink the credit card?

Hard to believe, but when a similar things happened to me - $1000s worth of orders by DH from Victoria's secret, turns out his credit card number was stolen and he simply wasn't paying attention to the charges or meant to dispute, but forgot.

Yes, I know it's true, because I know who stole it - a drug addicted neighbor who was reselling the stuff. She also stole other things like those checks that credit cards send.

Anonymous wrote:

So I sit with that knowledge of this stranger I live with who is even more a stranger to me than I knew yesterday. I know him a tiny bit better than I did yesterday but also a lot less than I thought. I don’t even have a close friend that I could confide in about this, so I share it with you, anonymous DCUM pocket friends.

Ultimately everyone is a stranger. We know everyone, especially spouses, less than we think we do. Secret kinks are very common.

Glad you were able to share here, and that you have the (probably rare) sense not to tell folks his private business.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's unfair of you to justify not even trying to speak with your husband about your concerns, by pre-emptively deciding what his response will be.

You clearly don't know your husband anywhere near as well as you think you do, that you could be so confident in how he would respond to you.

If you knew him at all, you wouldn't be in such a state of shock.

+1.

Don't you have even an iota of hope of a better relationship, romantic or not, between you and your DH?

There has got to be so much history between you guys that you can find room to have an open discussion.

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

I bet it is was OP who first rejected her DH.

Anonymous wrote:Leave your H alone. Try not to wallow in the misery of your marriage but rather build a life for yourself.
No you don’t “need” to leave. It’s ok to stay. Just don’t ruminate. Maybe go take a trip alone or with your kid and have fun.

This is good advice.

OP, it's unfair of you to justify not even trying to speak with your husband about your concerns, by pre-emptively deciding what his response will be.

You clearly don't know your husband anywhere near as well as you think you do, that you could be so confident in how he would respond to you.

If you knew him at all, you wouldn't be in such a state of shock.

Anonymous wrote:I like your writing style OP

+1

That's probably the only post of that length I have ever gotten through and would have kept reading.

I wish you the best, OP. I'm sorry for your situation and if I knew you I'd give you a hug.

I love your writing style, OP. If you converse anything like you write, your husband is missing out not talking to you more.

As a therapist who left the area during the pandemic, I kind of feel often like I should apologize to everyone for those decisions many of us made. It was really hard for me to leave, but staying was no longer at all sustainable. So I'm sorry. Keep trying. If you feel like posting a throwaway email, I would be happy to send some recommendations for local therapists I know who are good. That goes for other people too, I guess.

I don't really have anything to say about the underwear and sex toys. It sounds like a sad lonely place for both of you. Are you guys still having sex? If so, it might be wise to get tested for STIs in case he is having a sexual affair.

If he openly discussed this need/kink/desire with you how would you have reacted?