Are the kids happy? Tired, hungry, and happy when they come home is a great thing! Do you at least have dinner ready to go for the nomads? Feed, chill, chat, bed— that’s your responsibility. When they’re asleep, do the cleanup from the day. Laundry and pack camp stuff for next morning. All is fair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

So you want to criticize the plans he's made after he's made them, and offer no alternative suggestions? You want to be "heard" so he can then alter the schedule to suit your wants, without you don't anything to help?

He's a lot nicer about it than I would be, OP.

+1 Especially since it's not like OP is committing to spending extra time with them!

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

It is too much on your husband. So what are you doing to help him? Be specific.

But I suspect that you are actually the "husband" in this case, wondering if changing genders changes dcum's advice. It doesn't and, if you are the "husband" you have every right to be frustrated with your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

So you want to criticize the plans he's made after he's made them, and offer no alternative suggestions? You want to be "heard" so he can then alter the schedule to suit your wants, without you don't anything to help?

He's a lot nicer about it than I would be, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

At a time when he's not in the middle of complaining, I'd bring this up. How would he ideally like the summers to be? Sure, camp during the day but can evenings be more relaxed? Also in this moment it seems like he just wants to vent, doesn't want you to try to fix the problem (usually in this situation, the genders are reversed) so your role is to listen, tell him how much you appreciate him doing this for the kids.

At minimum, do a post-mortem at the end of the summer, what worked and what didn't. Write it down to discuss when you all start planning next summer. As the camp/activity planner in the family, I used to do that with my kids because some January they wouldn't necessarily remember what they liked or disliked about various things they did.

You sound depressed and stressed. A beat up balloon can't hold air no matter how hard you blow in it.

Make some effort after talking with DH and get some help for yourself.

Anonymous wrote:DW here. I'm your husband as my job is more flexible so I'm the default parent. I set up all the logistics and do all the driving. It's HARD! And if my DH came to me and complained that HE doesn't like that the kids are in too many activities, I'd laugh and say, well, how do you plan to contribute to make it less hectic?

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't lift a finger to make things happen and you're criticizing how your H does things--that's what makes you a jerk. A giant, entitled, clueless jerk.

This. When my kids were in ES they were in camps all the time because 1) we needed the childcare and 2) the kids liked camps. I talked with them after a few years of the camp round to see if they'd prefer if we hired a summer sitter so they could hang out at home, go to the pool, etc. and they said no way. They like camps - which I spent a ton of time researching to figure out what work work for each of them. DH always had a hard time with it. Like you he thought they should just "hang out." But his memories of childhood hanging out summers required a bunch of friends to also hang out with and now those friends are also all at camp.

I do think you would be reasonable to ask for a relaxed family weekend day periodically because you clearly are stressed out and need that but your DH's work to keep everyone happy while you are working is a blessing.

OP here. Here is where I get frustrated, at the end of the day when DH talks about being tired and everyone being so busy, I tell him we need to cut back and it's too f-ing much and he get mad and says having a conversation like this when he's tired and in the middle of the summer isn't helpful. I am so tired of not being heard, but he's just so fast and zooms around and I can't catch up.

I can't even figure out what your feelings are or what you want, OP. You said you'd be irritated if they were home complaining of being bored and watching tv and also you don't like seeing them run around doing camps they want to do.

What is it exactly that you want the kids to do this summer?

I understand your point kids need downtime.

When it’s time to plan next summer, take the lead and ensure this happens, if you can make yourself available to supervise. This is a fair way to ensure your opinion about downtime is honored.

For this summer, husband has done all the work here and you are Monday morning quarterbacking. You are in the wrong.

Anonymous wrote:If your DH is willing to manage the load and your kids are happy, can’t you just push through until the end of summer? I’m not quite understanding why you are feeling put-out, if you are doing none if it and your DH seems to prefer to continue as-is. Summer break is basically over in a month.

I don't even know what OP would push through. Watching her kids be happy and engaged? Watching her husband both organize kids activities, and handle all the logistics?

Yes, you’re the jerk, but you already know this.

DW here. I'm your husband as my job is more flexible so I'm the default parent. I set up all the logistics and do all the driving. It's HARD! And if my DH came to me and complained that HE doesn't like that the kids are in too many activities, I'd laugh and say, well, how do you plan to contribute to make it less hectic?

You don't know how lucky you are. You don't lift a finger to make things happen and you're criticizing how your H does things--that's what makes you a jerk. A giant, entitled, clueless jerk.

Op, I think you're unhappy with your own life and you're wrongly focusing on this. Put the effort into finding a new job.

OP- ignore the previous posters. I think you sound stressed and right now your stress is misplaced. It seems like you are mad at your job and your mom’s illness is just one more thing for you to have to deal with. Then, on top of all that, you want to be a great mom and suffer “mom guilt” for not doing what you thing you should be doing (from our sexist society). Be your own friend right now. You are doing your best. The best thing you could have done was choose a partner capable (and willing) to pick up some slack, so there’s that. That said- since your husband is balancing it - and if the kids seem happy and well adjusted - trust that he’s handling it well. It’s when the kids seem overly tired or cranky or complain that the pace for them needs to stop. If everyone is happy (except you) then ask yourself why. It seems like the answer is obvious to me. You want to do well at your job, but your heart is actually with your family. You are probably from GenX (like me) and were told that you can have it all and do it well. That’s a lie! You have to prioritize and something has got to give (at least a little). Life is a balancing act and it seems like you’ve “balanced” too much work at the expense of family time, and maybe even exercise or “me time”, which everyone needs to be healthy.

Ignore the haters here.