Anonymous wrote:People don't understand until it happens to them. I had two back to back miscarriages that devastated me emotionally. I'll never forget my pregnant SIL telling me that the same couldn't happen to her because she ate a mostly plant-based, organic diet and did yoga. It wasn't until she had a TFMR that she expressed any understanding. It's hard dealing with others naiveté.

This is true for most tragedies. I lost my mom in my 30's (she was 60) and most people were pretty clueless and insensitive. The only ones who weren't had also lost their mothers.

While I understand how this rubbed OP the wrong way, it's hard to imagine what a sister in this situation could say that would be spot on right, other than pretending her pregnancy isn't happening at all or lying about how it's going, which is pretty unfair to ask.

One imagines OP also thinks her hypothetical child would be very lucky to be born to her, so even that most "iffy" line seems reasonable in context.

Another vote for not braggy. It's navel-gazing and it will likely get worse after baby's arrival. Doting parents turn inward, with their world mostly revolving around themselves and their baby. Consequently, they say the dumbest things.

It sounds like you're doing OK right now? If you ever find yourself needing to speak up, don't feel guilty doing so. Infertility and all that you've been through is so hard; yoy have to self-preserve. You can always say something like, "Hey Larla, you've been talking nonstop about your pregnancy. I know that's a big part of your life right now, but how's everything else going? I'd love to hear about work/inlaws/pets."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every woman I know who didn’t have morning sickness immediately said “I know, I got so lucky.” It’s not a brag. It’s more like an apology that I didn’t get lucky (and boy did I not get lucky).

I’m wondering if there’s any honest thing she could say about her pregnant that wouldn’t seriously irk you given your tremendously bad luck.

Agree. Don't think she sounds braggy. This was me. At 33, got pregnant first time using ovulation sticks. Didn't look pregnant. No morning sickness.Everything was super easy and smooth but.... then had severe preeclampsia and delivered at 29 weeks. And now, my son is 6 years old and we've been trying for 5 years. Lost tubes four years ago, diminished ovarian reserve and IVF doesn't work well, miscarriages, spent lots of money, lots of retrievals and transfers, and still no baby. So you never know. She could be in OP's boat down the road and really did just get very lucky.

This is really sad. I’m so sorry.

Aside from any other explanation, some women get weird during the time period from pregnancy through the child's early infancy.

Anonymous wrote:People don't understand until it happens to them. I had two back to back miscarriages that devastated me emotionally. I'll never forget my pregnant SIL telling me that the same couldn't happen to her because she ate a mostly plant-based, organic diet and did yoga. It wasn't until she had a TFMR that she expressed any understanding. It's hard dealing with others naiveté.

+1. I didn’t.

People don't understand until it happens to them. I had two back to back miscarriages that devastated me emotionally. I'll never forget my pregnant SIL telling me that the same couldn't happen to her because she ate a mostly plant-based, organic diet and did yoga. It wasn't until she had a TFMR that she expressed any understanding. It's hard dealing with others naiveté.

I got pregnant on my first try in my 20s and subsequent pregnancies. I had no idea how many women struggle with infertility until my friend went through IVF. I learned a lot from her. She backed off from our friendship for a while during my second pregnancy (which I understand). There were things that felt painful to her that had nothing more to do with me than existing with a pregnant belly, so I accepted that for a season we could text funny memes totally unrelated to children. The flip side of this is that just as she is a side character in the story of your life, you are one in hers. Things that are totally innocuous to her might feel painful to you because you are living totally different stories. It’s better to assume the best about people we love. Sometimes it’s a good exercise to imagine yourself in someone else’s life, with their worries and concerns and sorrows and joys.

Anonymous wrote:I immediately thought she sounded like she felt guilty for becoming pregnant so easily.

This is most likely explanation, she is actually trying to be sensitive to your feelings. It is totally ok to be triggered based on what you’ve been through though. But in life, I try to give people grace because you never know what will happen to someone, so let them enjoy the good times, that is all any of us have!

Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on how she said it. Everything she said is technically very true. She is very lucky to get pregnant easily and without complications. And the baby is VERY lucky to be born in a stable family, in middle/upper middle class America. I don't see anything inherently wrong in acknowledging those things.

PP here. Adding that I agree with most people here that she sounds like she is actually trying to be sensitive to you, but perhaps failing. But as someone who has gone through infertility, I'm not sure there is anything anyone in her situation could say that would be "correct." Just acknowledge that your struggles are very personal and those who have not gone through it will not understand. Do not hold it against her or take what she says personally. Give her the benefit of the doubt. You'll find each other and support each other again when you have your baby.

I think it really depends on how she said it. Everything she said is technically very true. She is very lucky to get pregnant easily and without complications. And the baby is VERY lucky to be born in a stable family, in middle/upper middle class America. I don't see anything inherently wrong in acknowledging those things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think framing things as “lucky” sounds braggy necessarily. It’s a concession you didn’t do anything to deserve it. It implies the opposite really.

It’s possible her point was more along the lines of, I appreciate that it could have gone differently and I don’t inherently deserve any of this.

If not for your struggles I don’t think you’d think anything of it.

You don’t think her saying “how lucky her baby is to be born to her and her husband” is braggy and you think “it implies the opposite really?”

Oof. No.

Saying the baby is lucky is so insanely self absorbed! My she thinks very highly.of herself.

I have said that to others, and my friends said it to me re our baby. But I wouldn't say it about myself and that too in front of someone else. Hopefully parenting will be a ride awakening to her BS.

Her insistence on being lucky is her acknowledgement of your struggle, OP. That's how I understand it. She's doing her best to make you feel slightly less envious, and it's not her fault it's not working. You should tell her gently that you appreciate the effort, but that it's best to just not underline any of it, but of course that you're happy for her.

I had my two kids at 25 and 30 and both times had easy pregnancies but terrible deliveries, including one at 32 weeks - my ex-preemie has lifelong neurological consequences. And now it looks like I've become infertile.

You may be sad now, but you never know how life will treat both of you. She may get a cancer than you will never have. Her husband may leave her, and yours will stay. You just never know. Try not to compare your lives.