I used to work in one years ago and I am sure not that much has changed:

(1) As others said, visit often and unpredictably
(2) When you visit be SUPER NICE to everyone, but also complain when it is warranted. Start out with, “I know you can’t control everything…” or “I completely understand how…. And I was wondering” (if something really bad is happening, of course, be more forceful and direct about it)
(3) I don’t know if this is allowed these days, but families who would occasionally bring in donuts, etc for floor staff were a big hit
(4) Make connections with other families who visit their loved ones often. If they know you are friendly and talk, whenever the other family is around, they will assume they will report to you if they notice anything untoward with your family member. Don’t underestimate the power of this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family member had been in memory care and his belongings were repeatedly stolen. His wife bought him new undershirts and underwear, put his name on every single one - gone within days. The family member had been a high school teacher, spending most of his life serving others, and this is what happened to him. His wife didn't want to complain too much bc she was worried staff members would retaliate. I was so mad when I heard about it, though I know this is just a minor thing compared to the real abuse and neglect.

One of my family members had clothes stolen with the tags still on while in a facility. Just ridiculous. And the place all but frankly admitted it was an issue but that they had no intention of doing anything about it.

And these were bargain basement/K-Mart quality. How does a person rationalize stealing a disabled person’s clothing?

Do you know that it was staff as opposed to another patient?

Clothing gets mixed up in the wash and sometimes patients take it as they are unaware it isn't theirs/out of their minds and no clue.

We had to replace things every 4-6 months between what went missing and laundry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They dope them up and leave em in wheelchairs all day. Very sad.

Do you have any idea what is going on in many homes where the family is caring for the elderly? There are countless stories of one spouse abusing the other out of burn out and exhaustion, elderly on the floor all day with a hip fracture after a fall, the elderly person spending all day not doped up and miserable staring at a TV screen.

My experience is they don't dope up the elderly. They work with the family to find optimal medication dosage for decent quality of life. The only ones who need to be doped up are the highly aggressive and abusive because everyone around them has the right to safety.

My experience is they doped up my inlaw. Very little care and lots of unexplained bruises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family member had been in memory care and his belongings were repeatedly stolen. His wife bought him new undershirts and underwear, put his name on every single one - gone within days. The family member had been a high school teacher, spending most of his life serving others, and this is what happened to him. His wife didn't want to complain too much bc she was worried staff members would retaliate. I was so mad when I heard about it, though I know this is just a minor thing compared to the real abuse and neglect.

One of my family members had clothes stolen with the tags still on while in a facility. Just ridiculous. And the place all but frankly admitted it was an issue but that they had no intention of doing anything about it.

And these were bargain basement/K-Mart quality. How does a person rationalize stealing a disabled person’s clothing?

Do you know that it was staff as opposed to another patient?

I would also hire someone to visit daily or so. I used to have a job like that. They didn’t pay me enough to do advocacy or anything, I was just supposed to take the old lady for walks in her wheelchair but I can see myself hiring someone - maybe someone with experience of working at a nursing home, or maybe paying extra to someone working there if possible - to keep and eye out on my relative.

Anonymous wrote:Never send them to old peoples home

This is ideal.

Anonymous wrote:The only suggestion I have is to visit regularly but unpredictably.

This and also try to develop some kind of relationship with the staff and bribe them basically (give gifts and money).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They dope them up and leave em in wheelchairs all day. Very sad.

Do you have any idea what is going on in many homes where the family is caring for the elderly? There are countless stories of one spouse abusing the other out of burn out and exhaustion, elderly on the floor all day with a hip fracture after a fall, the elderly person spending all day not doped up and miserable staring at a TV screen.

My experience is they don't dope up the elderly. They work with the family to find optimal medication dosage for decent quality of life. The only ones who need to be doped up are the highly aggressive and abusive because everyone around them has the right to safety.

Not sure what your level of experience is but I've been to dozens of facilities seeing hundreds of residents. Including at very high-end facilities. Just about all of the people were over-medicated and it didn't necessarily mean it was because they were abusive or aggressive. Once they got to a point where they were TOO LABOR INTENSIVE they cranked up meds (i.e. very frail, mobility issues, frequent bathroom calls) It affects the corporate bottom line if you need to hire more CNAs to care for people. Getting a quack doctor to write an Rx is much easier.

I knew one resident who was in his mid-50s - stroke survivor. Paralysis but his mind was sharp as a tack. They wanted to leave him in bed all day and TRIED to get him to willingly take meds but he refused. Thankfully, he was transferred to another facility where he could hopefully have a better quality of life.

Anonymous wrote:The only suggestion I have is to visit regularly but unpredictably.

This

Never send them to old peoples home

Anonymous wrote:My family member had been in memory care and his belongings were repeatedly stolen. His wife bought him new undershirts and underwear, put his name on every single one - gone within days. The family member had been a high school teacher, spending most of his life serving others, and this is what happened to him. His wife didn't want to complain too much bc she was worried staff members would retaliate. I was so mad when I heard about it, though I know this is just a minor thing compared to the real abuse and neglect.

One of my family members had clothes stolen with the tags still on while in a facility. Just ridiculous. And the place all but frankly admitted it was an issue but that they had no intention of doing anything about it.

And these were bargain basement/K-Mart quality. How does a person rationalize stealing a disabled person’s clothing?

My family member had been in memory care and his belongings were repeatedly stolen. His wife bought him new undershirts and underwear, put his name on every single one - gone within days. The family member had been a high school teacher, spending most of his life serving others, and this is what happened to him. His wife didn't want to complain too much bc she was worried staff members would retaliate. I was so mad when I heard about it, though I know this is just a minor thing compared to the real abuse and neglect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's been your experience and how to avoid it? How can offspring's help without disrupting their own lives? How can government help? How can all of us help as society to give people comfort and dignity when they are helpless?

My parent is in a place where elder abuse isn't an issue at all. It's expensive though. Pay people more, I guess. That's one way.

We also make sure the staff know we are paying attention.

Yep. And show up at unpredictable timrs.

Anonymous wrote:They dope them up and leave em in wheelchairs all day. Very sad.

Do you have any idea what is going on in many homes where the family is caring for the elderly? There are countless stories of one spouse abusing the other out of burn out and exhaustion, elderly on the floor all day with a hip fracture after a fall, the elderly person spending all day not doped up and miserable staring at a TV screen.

My experience is they don't dope up the elderly. They work with the family to find optimal medication dosage for decent quality of life. The only ones who need to be doped up are the highly aggressive and abusive because everyone around them has the right to safety.

Anonymous wrote:I think I’ll move into an upscale hotel in my old age so even if I’m dead, I’ll be found quickly.

I know someone who would spend the rest of her days on cruise ships.