Anonymous wrote:Are you giving your kids quality 1:1 time (no scrolling your phone, not errands but doing something kid friendly, etc) AND doing it consistently (not just here and there or when it's convenient for you)?

Being in daycare from 9-4 daily and then having 2 grumpy parents to go home to afterwards is a recipe for an anxious and fuels big emotions (that are exhibited via tantrums and whining which drives you crazy and escalates everything).

This.

My first thoughts were are they getting 15-30 minutes of quality time with one or both parents, daily outside play, and good sleep?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

If you’re losing so much time to tantrums because of the way you’re going about him getting dressed, have you tried other ways? Also with everyone around you telling you that you’re too rigid, maybe a consult with a parenting coach would help you get some perspective.

OP, you need to re-frame your ideas. Yes, boundaries, you shouldn't be giving in to every little tantrum. But it's okay-- it's a good thing-- to model flexibility to your children, to show them an example of how to compromise on less important things and how to stay firm on important things. You may be prioritizing "boundaries" and obedience and authority excessively, especially if you were parented in an authoritarian way yourself.

Ok, so I agree you should not give into tantrums in the moment. But you can *avoid* tantrums by not making certain demands, by revising your demands so that they are within your children's current ability to manage. This may require *you* being more flexible. If you're getting the feedback that you need to be more flexible, try being flexible in advance. Sticking with what you're doing now is going to get you what you're getting now.

Two ideas.

1. Read “Peaceful Parenting” and spend special time with your kids. Your son is acting out because he needs something he is not getting. I did the exercises on emptying the backpack and special time for 8 weeks with my kids and it made a huge difference. It let them be less needy after a relatively small investment from me.

2. Antidepressants don’t help. What about ADHD meds? Lack of patience with my kids and feeling overstimulated by them is what eventually got me to go back on my meds.

Those are tough ages to handle all at once and working outside the home plus kids is a lot to manage.

Some periods of parenting are harder and more unpleasant than others.

I also recommend getting a babysitter for a chunk of time on weekends.

For us, getting out of the house helped. Yes it was hard to get out the door but once out everyone was happier.

We just put our kids to bed at 6:30 tonight because their behavior has gotten so bad over the summer. Tantrums at the drop of a hat, whining and pushing in everything, curiously especially when they get their way/a special treat. Frankly my six year old should not tantrumming, he’s doing that because it has worked for him somehow. I know he’s capable of expressing himself. Apparently we need more no’s and follow through with consequences. I also think they are more tired because of the early light wake ups despite black out curtains. Anyway it’s been tough, op, good luck.

PP here: that also may mean compromising. Rarely does everyone agree on everything at the same time. If the parents learn to compromise it sets up a better foundation for when the kid is more involved in creating rules and boundaries and there's more people involved in the compromising.

I would agree that you need to talk with the other parent in order to get on the same page. When the parents give mixed messages to the kid it creates confusion, especially when young, which may lead to challenging behaviors. Also it's a good thing to get in the habit of (I'm talking about getting on the same page) because as kids get older there are more things that parents need to show a united front on.

Finally try to carve out time to yourself. My H and I used to split the weekends...I'd get up early on Saturday and he would on Sunday. It may have not been much, but I knew that for at least one day I didn't have to get up and deal with breakfast and play time and such. We can't really do that anymore due to weekend activities but it meant a lot at the younger ages.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 6 year old can certainly do things on his own so can the 3 year old. I don't know what their extra needs are but my kids and many friends kids at this age could do things. Getting dressed, getting backpacks together, bringing down laundry etc etc. Getting water, for oneself and the little sibling. Private time in the house with the kids around and awake is impossible for most. Once a week i don't come home from work and work out/shop and have dinner on my own with DH doing everything pickup/bedtime.
It is really hard and takes a lot of effort getting them to be independent but the work is worth it.

Oh he's totally capable. He just refuses and has major tantrums. We lose SO MUCH TIME to these tantrums. I try to stay boundaries but DP and my parents and SIL tell me I'm too rigid and need to lighten up. It's infuriating.

If you’re losing so much time to tantrums because of the way you’re going about him getting dressed, have you tried other ways? Also with everyone around you telling you that you’re too rigid, maybe a consult with a parenting coach would help you get some perspective.

It's the constant expectations of intensive parenting. There's a reason why children were left to their own devices for most of human history. They're annoying. And there's a reason why we were told "keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." Modern parenting is all about constant empathy for your children's feelings.

I'm no longer convinced that this is sustainable or even desirable. Seems to be creating a bunch of kids who expect to always be happy.

However, I am a much better parent when I put my phone away. Not down. Away. I keep a book on hand for the peaceful moments. I can't believe how much easier things seem without that stupid device in my hand.

Different situation but I completely feel you. Currently going through what I pray is just a phase with my 4 year old who is just extremely defiant and impulsive...a complete opposite of her siblings and they are starting to notice differences too. We are going to see an occupational therapist, which may help, but this could also just be who she is. She is burning me out and shits just rolling down to the other kids, ages 5 and 9. Parenting is just not enjoyable right now and I hope I'm not ruining anyone's childhood.

You're not alone!

DP means “different poster” in online lingo. If you don’t want to say husband or wife, “SO” for “significant other” is used or my child’s mother/father, or my co parent.

I feel for you, OP, I really do, this sounds tough. I think you need to come at this from a few directions.

1) You (and your husband) each need a chunk of time to yourself every week. You’re burning out, this isn’t sustainable. Start with an hour or two at a time. You explicitly tell the kids that mom needs some “me” time and you’re going to stay home while dad takes them to the park (it’ll be easiest to start with them out of the house). One of you take a couple hours on Saturday, then the other (either later that day or on Sunday). Work up to half a day each most weekends. Yes, it will be hard to watch both kids completely by yourself at first but you will both get better at it and it’s crucial for your mental health.

2) How is their sleep? How is yours? The effects of chronic sleep deprivation are terrible and systemic, and often parents get so used to it, they don’t even notice. Your 3 year old needs to be in his bed for a minimum of 11 hours at night, your six year old needs a minimum of 10, and you need eight. If that’s not happening, start there!!

3) Agree with parenting classes/PEP. It’s so common to get where you are, I completely understand, but unfortunately it sounds like you’ve trained your children that if they tantrum, they get what they want. Maybe not in the moment, but in the future - they know you’re avoiding upsetting them because you’re trying to avoid a tantrum, so they are holding the reins in your house. I would actually start with #1 and #2 to get yourself some more emotional bandwidth to handle #3.

4) You need to improve communication with your spouse. He shouldn’t be undermining you in front of the kids, but you also shouldn’t be setting boundaries your spouse doesn’t agree with. You guys need to get on the same page.

Good luck!

It sounds like you need a Saturday morning babysitter. We had one for a while when the kids were little and it was a huge help.

You can stop doing so much for them without outright refusing. When they want something, tell them "Bring it over here and I'll help you" or "I just need to wash my hands" just to delay a few minutes. Often times they will resolve their own problem before you get to them. If they don't want your help badly enough to walk across the room to you, they don't want it very badly at all.

A parenting coach can help you with the tantrums. You might be inadvertently making it worse and can change your own behavior much more easily than you can change the child's. (Not meaning to "give in" but there are ways to avoid or handle better.)

Are you giving your kids quality 1:1 time (no scrolling your phone, not errands but doing something kid friendly, etc) AND doing it consistently (not just here and there or when it's convenient for you)?

Being in daycare from 9-4 daily and then having 2 grumpy parents to go home to afterwards is a recipe for an anxious and fuels big emotions (that are exhibited via tantrums and whining which drives you crazy and escalates everything).