I would recommend not to engage at all. Simply shrug your shoulders and walk away. Gray rock. Seems like he’s deliberately picking fights so he could school you or assert dominance. Don’t give him the satisfaction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Dumping a mixture of mostly juice with a bit of milk out of the window isn’t “trash”. You can’t actually be this stupid?

What is it, liquid gold?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Neither of us are particularly like that either lol that’s part of why I’m perplexed. The only time I can think of either of us pouring liquid out of a car is at a stoplight and that is so infrequent. Never would either of us toss trash out.

But anyway, yes, DH will complain about a behavior and ask me to do XYZ instead, a week later I do XYZ, and he complains about it. It’s a regular occurrence, which is why I tried to explain to him that I asked how I should pour it out because in the past he’s complained regularly about me making assumptions and taking actions without asking him.

So that, to me, is getting into marriage counseling territory. That's no way to live. He shouldn't be nitpicking everything you do regardless of whether he has complained about it before. And him nitpicking you after he has complained about the opposite thing is potentially gaslighting. I think the telltale sign of this would be whether he acts like this in front of other people. If you're with family or friends when the same issue keeps occuring, does he still pull this number or is he suddenly consistent with attitudes that he's shown in front of the same people? If he does pull this, do people call him out, and how does he respond?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Neither of us are particularly like that either lol that’s part of why I’m perplexed. The only time I can think of either of us pouring liquid out of a car is at a stoplight and that is so infrequent. Never would either of us toss trash out.

But anyway, yes, DH will complain about a behavior and ask me to do XYZ instead, a week later I do XYZ, and he complains about it. It’s a regular occurrence, which is why I tried to explain to him that I asked how I should pour it out because in the past he’s complained regularly about me making assumptions and taking actions without asking him.

Anonymous wrote:#1 isn't really anything. It sounds like what he thinks that what he was telling you and what you understood were different. The situation sounds confusing.

#2 he either lied or forgot. I do think it's possible he absent-mindedly put it away without remembering but he could be lying because you made a point to tell him you were giving it back to him directly.

OP here. I’d be inclined to agree with you on #1 if it didn’t happen all the time. So often I say something and he says I didn’t. I’ll tell him I have a girls date planned on October 3 and I’m putting in on the calendar. He’ll see it on the calendar and argue that I never told him I had plans.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wouldn't have thought of it either, because I'm not a pig who throws or pours trash out the window of a moving car. I honestly think more men would think to do this.

You should reflect on why you feel that he would have called you dumb had you understood to pour it out and done so. Does he often do that? Meaning, create a situation where you are wrong either way?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

OP here. Maybe that was the underlying issue, that I didn’t just figure it out. But my DH and I have had many conversations about me assuming things without asking, etc. This is why I asked. I never would think to pour a drink out of his car while it’s moving because I feel like he would get upset about the liquid getting on the exterior of his car. When I play that scenario out in my mind, I see him calling me dumb for doing it. It’s like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

#1 isn't really anything. It sounds like what he thinks that what he was telling you and what you understood were different. The situation sounds confusing.

#2 he either lied or forgot. I do think it's possible he absent-mindedly put it away without remembering but he could be lying because you made a point to tell him you were giving it back to him directly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)

NP. I would never call my wife defiant, but it would frustrate me if I had to do something like this while driving because she couldn't figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:OP I suggest you stop worrying about who is right and who is wrong and try to defuse the situation. There’s a phrase: you can be right or you can be happy. Try to get your relationship back to a place where you want to both try and communicate well with each other. You are in a constant battle with each other right now. Not healthy. Choose peace.

OP here. In my heart I know you are right, and this is probably what I needed to hear. I just get so frustrated not being heard, listened to, valued for what I present. I have a huge pet peeve with being lied on and I definitely take it personally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he’s tired and you’re part of the exhaustion.

Tired of what? Does being tired constitute making up lies to avoid saying “oh my bad, I screwed that up” or “ok, I can see why you think of it that way”?

Most of our problems lie in him telling me what I’m actually thinking or what I actually believe instead of just listening to what I said.

Are both of you getting enough sleep?

He isn’t lying he is inferring what you are thinking based on your words, body language, and other factors. Based on how you’re presenting here, I can’t help but think you were pretty snarky with him and it probably was clearly conveyed. It sounds like you’re both somewhere on a downward resentment spiral. You both need to get some sleep and get your heads screwed on correctly.

OP here. Thanks for the reply. I think we sleep well enough but there’s always room for improvement. I guarantee you I gave him no snark or attitude when I asked. We were both so calm and normal. If I had an attitude or anything, he certainly would’ve told me.

We had such a good day today and there was nothing that was stewing for either of us to react negatively. It’s almost like once he realized his argument was weak, he popped up with “oh, you didn’t ask me anything, you told me XYZ!” instead of just saying “ok, my bad, it’s all good, let’s move on”

OP I suggest you stop worrying about who is right and who is wrong and try to defuse the situation. There’s a phrase: you can be right or you can be happy. Try to get your relationship back to a place where you want to both try and communicate well with each other. You are in a constant battle with each other right now. Not healthy. Choose peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he’s tired and you’re part of the exhaustion.

Tired of what? Does being tired constitute making up lies to avoid saying “oh my bad, I screwed that up” or “ok, I can see why you think of it that way”?

Most of our problems lie in him telling me what I’m actually thinking or what I actually believe instead of just listening to what I said.

Are both of you getting enough sleep?

He isn’t lying he is inferring what you are thinking based on your words, body language, and other factors. Based on how you’re presenting here, I can’t help but think you were pretty snarky with him and it probably was clearly conveyed. It sounds like you’re both somewhere on a downward resentment spiral. You both need to get some sleep and get your heads screwed on correctly.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why so many posters are bashing OP. It is never okay for a spouse to create lies to fit their own narrative.

OP here and I appreciate the response. I get that I was long winded but there is an actual issue at hand and I can’t see how it’s my fault that he makes crap up at the drop of a dime.

Anonymous wrote:He called you defiant?

OP here and yes, he called me defiant because I asked him how I could rinse a cup out in a moving car (in his mind, I should’ve known to pour it out of the window I suppose)