Anonymous wrote:Childless men who feel like this are getting screwed... this is cultural and likely you are part of the problem.

Years ago, I read an interview with the editor of a major magazine, who had just had recently had kids. She said the single biggest lesson in becoming a mom was in watching how her staff worked... before she had kids, she used to think that the people staying late were the hardest workers and the most productive members of her team. But afterward, when she was managing her time and her work to be able to leave at 5, she looked at all the others doing the same with respect - and started asked herself what the heck are these people staying late doing all day? Why are they so unproductive and inefficient that they need to stay late?

Anonymous wrote:The trick was to have my children when I was at a point in my career to be able to dictate the terms that made sense to me. I took six months with each of them, then went back part time until they were each one. Then I did lean back into my work, but set boundaries like I pick up my kids every day. I get back on after they’re in bed.

Another poster has it right— you triage and prioritize. My husband and kids get first dibs. If they’re not getting enough I don’t try to stretch myself to friends or extended family. When my kids need a little less I’ll have a little more to give.

The thing is childhood is short. I know a lot of really unhappy moms of high school students who now resent reporting to 30-something’s because they let their careers stagnate and now they have decades left in the workforce in the menial levels. That life never appealed to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re asking specifically about relationships, so maybe this comment is irrelevant, but I think some of the other trade-offs of a “big” career + family are wrongly ignored. Things like sleep, exercise, stress management. Some people can handle more stress than others, absolutely, but SO many high-powered people and women especially run themselves ragged, at times to the point of illness.

Ultimately, you have to prioritize relationships. You can’t work long hours and spend sufficient time with kids AND spouse AND friends AND other family, not typically. But people have different needs on those fronts, too - it comes down to what you value.

I’m a guy and I agree 1000 percent. When I was in Biglaw I always chafed at the men and women with kids who for some reason thought they were entitled to special consideration over the single or childless simply because they had kids. WTF? Single and childless folks are entitled to have a life too.

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

My kids sleep 9-7:30. We live close to work and school.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No regrets, because i don't feel like there have been many trade offs. I was very driven during law school and the years immediately after, before having kids. I was married, but even working 10 hour days meant i was home by 7-ish every night and had weekends off. So plenty of time to spend with DH. When i had DS, i super downscaled for 2.5 years, then back to biglaw but on a part time basis until DS was around 6. He has special needs and extra challenges, so that allowed me to be super available during some tough years. Oh, and since K i've worked full time from home. As another PP mentioned, when you work hard and strategically and are high value to your organization, there's no reason you wouldn't have the flexibility to get these perks.

Since age 7 (for the last 5 years), i've been full bore into work. But still from home. I do bus pick up and drop off every day, help with homework at night, and generally spend gobs of time with DS and DH, but still work 10 hours a day. I have always had a place of peace regarding dumb mom-guilt, like the moms who volunteer in class all the time, the constant in class parties, etc. DS doesn't care, and i'm not going to create guilt for myself where i shouldn't.

So yeah, very happy because not too many trade offs.

how do you spend "gobs" of time with your family if you are working 10 hours/day? Is your kid going to bed at 10?

When my kids were younger, their bedtime was 7/7:30, which meant if I got home at 7, I would just put them to bed. Luckily, I would get home at 4:30, have dinner with them, play/read to them, bath time, bed time, then open the laptop after they went to bed.

Is that what you mean?

I found this tiring though. I hated it.

Anonymous wrote:

I’ll never understand people who prioritize work over a personal life of any kind. I think it’s really sad.