Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

How can it get worse?

+1 Your wife is so desperate for a relationship with her father that she is willing to overlook his refusal to have anything to do with her child? She needs to stick up for your (pl) son.

I agree with this. I'm not saying he shouldn't stay but I think she needs to set up clear rules before this happens. And rule number one is that he show respect to you and your son. If he doesn't, he will be on his own to find a hotel. I'm all for your wife trying to reconnect with her dad but not if it means that you and your child are being disrespected in your own home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

How can it get worse?

+1 Your wife is so desperate for a relationship with her father that she is willing to overlook his refusal to have anything to do with her child? She needs to stick up for your (pl) son.

I’m confused- is FIL asking to stay at your house and visit his other daughter and new baby (essentially too cheap for a hotel)? If that, no.
Or, is FIL asking to come stay with you and do DC things with your son? If this, then i agree with the PPs that this might be his way of trying to rebuild the relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

You're married. Do this for her. Marriage is a big thing and included sacrificing.

By the way, this may be indirectly a way for your family to somewhat connect with him.

This. Grow up op and try to accept him for who he is. He is not related to the baby and he doesn’t feel that biological pull.

WHAT?!?!

Are you effin' kidding me?

Even if one doesn’t believe in gay marriage or that a same sex couple can be a “real” family, his behavior is inexcusable and awful.

Piling on that it is up to the wife. OP, just be prepared to support her. Sometimes it can take a lifetime of hoping and being disappointed with certain family members, before realizing that they will not change and what is needed is boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

If it helps with your nerves, your wife is struggling with a father who doesn't seem to know or care about what she wants or needs. By asking her what she wants or needs from you, listening to her answer without judgment and supporting her, you're showing her what a healthy and supportive family relationship can be. Hopefully that will help her see that she doesn't have to accept this kind of treatment from her dad.

This is a great perspective to go into this with. Really sorry you and your wife are going through this, OP. It’s rough.

Your wife providing free lodging and what (I am guessing) will ultimately wind up being free babysitting) will NOT improve their relationship. She'll wind up feeling used, and like a sucker.

What does the wife want to do?

I'll agree with a lot of the sentiments here.

Yes, the grandfather is treating OP's son like an adopted grandchild, not feeling that biological connection to the child. It is more offensive that the adopted grandchild is being slighted specifically so that grandpa can go and visit the new biologically related cousin and fawn over them.

I also agree that OP should not be making this decision, but that she can give advice, but ultimately the decision and response should be dictated by OP's wife, the child of the bigot. She has to decide whether she wants to try to be open to restoring their relationship or cut him off.

That said, I would suggest that OP advise her wife to accept this time. As another PP pointed out, give him on chance to reconsider. Maybe coming and staying with the family will help him to find out that he actually likes/loves his older grandchild and learn to accept him. Visiting and spending time with OP's nuclear family may be what he needs to get over his bigotry against non-biologically related children/grandchildren. If it can restore their relationship, it will be the gift of a lifetime to OP's son, to develop a relationship with his grandfather. If this visit does not work out that way, then OP's wife can decline future requests, but I think that she should consider accepting, if only to give him one more chance to accept his grandson.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

If it helps with your nerves, your wife is struggling with a father who doesn't seem to know or care about what she wants or needs. By asking her what she wants or needs from you, listening to her answer without judgment and supporting her, you're showing her what a healthy and supportive family relationship can be. Hopefully that will help her see that she doesn't have to accept this kind of treatment from her dad.

Look OP this situation really sucks but the near consensus - a DCUM rarity - is that this is your wife’s decision completely and your role is limited to supporting whatever she wants to do.

You have a relationship with your son, and a relationship with your wife.

FIL has some unresolved (maybe trying to resove?) issues about you carrying the baby (I assume your egg, unless you did in vitro with egg lottery?) and not having a genetic grandchild.

Work on this with your wife, and your wife should work on it with her father.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

I think it’s her call here. If she doesn’t want it then she should say no. You should not be the one to block it.

+1 It's up to her, and be supportive either way. This has got to be awful for her.

I'm sorry he's been such a d**k.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

If your wife wants you to be the mouthpiece/"bad guy," that is great that you are willing to do that for her. But you can't say anything that she hasn't approved -- she gets to decide the terms of her relationship with her father.

He’s horrible but it’s not your job to convince your wife of that on an accelerated timeline.