Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She managed to create a youtube channel and grow the audience to the point where she makes money yet you believe she is not capable of getting a job and making an income?

OP said the YouTube wasn't enough for her to live on her own. Not that she would have zero income or never have a job.

But the daughter still sounds capable! If she can do that, she may be able to do social media management for a company or some other related job that would make enough money to live.

Daughter sounds capable, but with severe anxiety and / or to her mental health issues that haven't been addressed. And she's been "babied."

She will need to take small steps to become independent, and it sounds like the dd at least has some motivation (see YouTube channel.)

All of you need a therapist, and she also needs a psychiatrist to get some medication to help her be able to make the first steps forward.

I would be concerned you and your dh would die and she would be completely helpless. It's worse if she owns your house outright if anybody who comes along to help her can take advantage of her. And they will, I have seen it.

Start with step number one and start developing a plan with the therapist / therapists she will need to get her independent by age 30 or before.

Anonymous wrote:Can you sell your house and downsize now? That might get her moving along.

This. You are in your late 60s, you should be downsizing and thinking about continuing care communities or similar. Perhaps you can determine a small stipend to support, but I think your DD needs therapy and the non-negotiable requirement to get a place of her own to get her to move forward.

Anonymous wrote:She managed to create a youtube channel and grow the audience to the point where she makes money yet you believe she is not capable of getting a job and making an income?

Yes, she is capable of a job and having an income. She states her social anxiety keeps her from leaving the house without me or DH.

On camera she’s so confident but she’s never been to a doctors appointment without us for support.

Her anxiety is real, but I do feel like we’ve fed into it and made it worse by allowing her to live in such a small world.

Do I think she’s capable of total independence in todays world given her health issues and disabilities? I’m not sure.

But we do need to find out.

Anonymous wrote:She managed to create a youtube channel and grow the audience to the point where she makes money yet you believe she is not capable of getting a job and making an income?

OP said the YouTube wasn't enough for her to live on her own. Not that she would have zero income or never have a job.

She managed to create a youtube channel and grow the audience to the point where she makes money yet you believe she is not capable of getting a job and making an income?

You absolutely must give her some household chores to do, and teach her to cook basic things. Then at least she'll have that mastered.

Try reading about this program: https://www.spacetreatment.net/

Basically you gradually stop accomodating the anxiety so much, while remaining emotionally supportive.

So here's what you do. You do not drive her anywhere, buy her any groceries she wants or other things she needs/wants, until she gets her license. You don't push broach it, but you declare it. Those are the rules of the house you own. If she has no incentive, why would she even try?

And for the love of god, I hope you're not doing her laundry or picking up after her, and that she has daily mandatory chores/responsibilities.

Depending on where you live, driving may be unnecessary. I’d focus on the rest (a job etc).

It sounds like you have either a DH problem or a yourself problem. Which of you has been "babying" her, and why?

You can get her a therapist for anxiety, and there are various coaches to help her learn to do basic life skills. But if you want your adult children to spend their time (which is even more valuable than money IMO) taking care of her, you need to do your very best on your end to make her as capable as she possibly can be. It sounds like they didn't really grow up in the same household as she did, and so they probably don't have that strong a relationship. This is a recipe for resentment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair that she inherits the house if you have other children. It needs to be divided up equally.
If she has an AA she is capable. You need to find a way to push her out of the nest or she will never fly. Hopefully a therapist can help? Or a life coach?

Our other adult children are in their 40s with lucrative careers, homes and families. They truly don’t need our modest home.

Our youngest daughters situation is different than her older half-siblings. I want her to get out and find a job and gain some independence. But she truly may not be capable of total financial independence the way they are, for the reasons I disclosed above.

I know plenty of people are highly successful with chronic illnesses and disabilities but that may not be DDs reality.

Have you shared this plan with her siblings?

This won't go well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not fair that she inherits the house if you have other children. It needs to be divided up equally.
If she has an AA she is capable. You need to find a way to push her out of the nest or she will never fly. Hopefully a therapist can help? Or a life coach?

Our other adult children are in their 40s with lucrative careers, homes and families. They truly don’t need our modest home.

Our youngest daughters situation is different than her older half-siblings. I want her to get out and find a job and gain some independence. But she truly may not be capable of total financial independence the way they are, for the reasons I disclosed above.

I know plenty of people are highly successful with chronic illnesses and disabilities but that may not be DDs reality.

Okay, but do you think they need a dependent adult to manage, in addition to their other responsibilities? Do not think you can just let her live there forever without an income and without anyone to help her manage. Especially as she and her siblings grow old. If they are older than she is, they can't take care of her forever. You owe it to your children and grandchildren, and your DD herself, to open your eyes and get her some help so that she can reach her potential to care for herself as much as possible.

Even if she won't get a job, you need to work with your DD on life skills. At least teach her to cook and keep a place clean. To take the bus safely. Have her volunteer so that at least she has that on her resume and is building people skills and could be recommended for a paid job.

Omg. Ok, you need to get on this. I dunno what the difference of opinion is between you and your DH, but right now you are cruising along with no plan-- except that your actual plan is to dump a dependent adult on your other children, even if you won't admit to yourself that this is your plan. They have their own lives and families to care for, and you owe it to them to do everything you can to help your DD cope with life and stand on her own feet as much as possible.

Can you sell your house and downsize now? That might get her moving along.

You NEED a plan. Start with therapy for her and you & your DH. In 2 short years, she will need health insurance. If you die, who will ensure she is paying household bills. It seems your plan is to dump all this on the other siblings. That is not fair to them.