Anonymous
07/05/2023 11:18
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
I used to date guys at all attractiveness levels, focusing solely on character. To give you a sense of my range, I’ve been asked to model multiple times, usually by small businesses. I dated stellar guys—the ones I’ve kept up with are in very successful marriages. That doesn’t mean that they would have been in a good marriage with *me*. Being attracted to someone is a necessary part of a good marriage because people are human and will let you down. Wanting to get dirty with them pulls you back together.
My spouse and I toyed with letting a homeless friend move in with us and decided to limit the offer to the short-term. It’s just impossible to keep those positive feelings about someone you’re sharing a space with unless they’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other or sleeping together. We don’t want either of those conditions to apply to the friendship, and our finances only let us help so much.
I’m very pro-marriage, and I think you should try, but I don’t have a lot of hope for you. From my experience, I needed to be thrilled about my partner’s character AND looks, but you didn’t seem to be thrilled about either. What’s left?
My spouse and I toyed with letting a homeless friend move in with us and decided to limit the offer to the short-term. It’s just impossible to keep those positive feelings about someone you’re sharing a space with unless they’re constantly walking on eggshells with each other or sleeping together. We don’t want either of those conditions to apply to the friendship, and our finances only let us help so much.
I’m very pro-marriage, and I think you should try, but I don’t have a lot of hope for you. From my experience, I needed to be thrilled about my partner’s character AND looks, but you didn’t seem to be thrilled about either. What’s left?
Anonymous
07/05/2023 10:31
Subject: Re:If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I think you're actually letting yourself get distracted by the issue of his looks, OP. It's probably easier to focus on that than to let yourself dig deeper into the fact that you feel his personality is not what you let yourself believe it was for so long. And (I'm going to be blunt here), you need to ask yourself and answer honestly--maybe you also married him as a way to show the world, and prove to yourself on some level, that you were Not A Shallow Person and you See Past Exteriors. I'm not saying you are shallow, not at all! I'm just saying you might need to step back and assess frankly whether that might have been a motivation, though likely one you didn't fully realize you even had. And it'll be hard to accept, if it's true.
But all that aside: You're letting the looks issue get ahead of the real, bigger issue: You don't like the personality you married, plus the personality is coming out much more now that you have an SN child.
There is a lot to unpack with this relationship and your feelings about him, and his looks complicate what otherwise might be a more straightforward "he's not the person I thought he was" issue. Right now it can be difficult to find a therapist who is taking any new patients, but your situation truly calls for professional outside help to ask you some very tough questions and help you figure out whether there is a salvageable marriage here. You will get a LOT of knee-jerk "just divorce him" posts on this site but we don't know you, or him. I would say, get individual therapy for you ASAP, even if you have to go outside insurance for a while and pay privately, because you need to sort through more than just "he's distant with our kid" here.
OP here. Are you a therapist? You certainly have a talent for getting to the heart of the issue.
I do have a therapist. It's hard to be honest with her because she moved into my subdivision recently. Oh man, a lovely 5-year relationship down the drain. I should probably switch.
To be honest, I'm no peach either. I come from an abusive family and have coped by being a people pleaser. I often doubt if I'm a reasonable person and wonder if I have unrealistic expectations. Hence me asking a public forum on whether my focus on looks is crazy. (And yes, I hear you when you say it's not just looks. But truly, the looks have ALWAYS been an issue, it's just a bigger one now.) :p
I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Ack, no fun having your therapist become your neighbor, I'm sure! Still: Have you told her, in exactly the words you use above: "It's hard to be honest with you because you moved into our subdivision recently"? I would say those exact words to her. I'd bet it's occurred to her too that maybe you're holding back now because she lives near you. But if you don't have kids who will be in the same schools at the same times (so you won't be running into each other at school as parents), or if you and she won't end up seeing each other socially--you don't have to let her address dictate that you change shrinks, if she has been helfpul in the past. TELL her about the concern and see what you both feel after you discuss it!
Then, with her or a new therapist -- please be very blunt about the whole looks/personality issue re: your DH. You can spend years and years more struggling to like him (and it sounds like you don't even like the person beneath the looks) or you can air it with a therapist and figure out if you need to move on. Don't throw away your emotional investment in your marriage instantly, but also, don't keep investing if you realize you should not stay. In your circumstances it sounds as if a good therapist could help you step away from what is a more complicated set of factors than in other troubled marriages. Good luck, OP. Rooting for you to do what is best for you and most honest for your own future.
Thank you. All good thoughts.
FWIW I can use reason to mitigate practical matters. However, the looks thing is deep and animalistic. Plus, it has always been there. It's hard to imagine talking it out in therapy will help. However, I have nothing to lose. Thanks again PP.
Anonymous
07/04/2023 09:33
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
I think this is every relationship that falls below expectations. We ignore the less attractive habits early on and then when we are no longer as engaged we start to focus on all those things that we ignored early on. (I remember suddenly it being able to stand the way an ex ate…he didn’t change by my ability to overlook it did). In your case it is about spouse’s physical appearance but it can be anything. It’s falling out of love. You are just dealing with it extra due to feeling guilty band maybe also you had a bit of the savior complex in that by dating someone “below” you in certain regard you would have their gratitude. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way.
I think you need to consider your marriage apart from his looks; your feeling of disappointment is currently focused on looks but really it’s about unmet expectations and that maybe you lowered your standards and you shouldn’t have or didn’t need to. It’s ok to have these feeelings but work them out with a therapist so you know what to do.
I think you need to consider your marriage apart from his looks; your feeling of disappointment is currently focused on looks but really it’s about unmet expectations and that maybe you lowered your standards and you shouldn’t have or didn’t need to. It’s ok to have these feeelings but work them out with a therapist so you know what to do.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 22:06
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Yea, this has a mean streak tone to it. And a little petty. That said, I was petty, oh so pedestrian. I heard many people say wild things during their spilts about their Other.
Really nice people say all sorts of outlandish things. It’s just part of the times — all the built up years of baggage bubbling up and ejecting from you like a volcano.
Really nice people say all sorts of outlandish things. It’s just part of the times — all the built up years of baggage bubbling up and ejecting from you like a volcano.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 21:26
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
My two cents - males tend to be more shallow and into looks. Not as deep otherwise. DH here Btw. Telling how I see it.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 21:04
Subject: Re:If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Anonymous wrote:Are you a stalker?
Do you stalk someone you have never spoken to and this person does not give a shit about you?
Having an ugly husband is the least of your problems.
You should be incarcerated.
Wow. Not sure where this post is coming from. If you're being stalked yourself, PP, seriously, talk to the police non-emergency line in your area and ask for advice on how to stay safe until you can talk to a lawyer after the holiday about how to get a protective order or whatever it is you need. But the post overall seems unrelated to OP's issues and nowhere does OP even vaguely mention or come across as a "stalker."
Anonymous
07/03/2023 20:39
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
You're in a rut. How about talking to him about what you need, what he can do, and how you can compromise to meet your needs, and together plan some fun expericnes you two can share?
Anonymous
07/03/2023 20:19
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Hahaha I really needed a good laugh! 👍🏻
Anonymous
07/03/2023 20:08
Subject: Re:If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Are you a stalker?
Do you stalk someone you have never spoken to and this person does not give a shit about you?
Having an ugly husband is the least of your problems.
You should be incarcerated.
Do you stalk someone you have never spoken to and this person does not give a shit about you?
Having an ugly husband is the least of your problems.
You should be incarcerated.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 16:24
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
She might be exhausted too. That sounds like a full plate
Anonymous
07/03/2023 15:55
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
OP had 2 unrealistic expectations:
1. That by “lowering” her standards and marrying an “ugly” man, she would be compensated by his eternal gratitude and kindness towards her.
No. That is not how men work. That is not how humans work. Men believe they are entitled to the hottest woman who will have them. Their actual personality is unrelated.
2. That by marrying an unattractive man, she would somehow have the moral high ground.
Again, not how humans work!
1. That by “lowering” her standards and marrying an “ugly” man, she would be compensated by his eternal gratitude and kindness towards her.
No. That is not how men work. That is not how humans work. Men believe they are entitled to the hottest woman who will have them. Their actual personality is unrelated.
2. That by marrying an unattractive man, she would somehow have the moral high ground.
Again, not how humans work!
Anonymous
07/03/2023 15:50
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
If he has unusual proportions, is there something else you left out? What else helped fuel your youthful projections l. Surely some curve or projectile must have worked for you.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 15:46
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Anonymous wrote:If I see someone married to someone truly hideous I don’t think the person isn’t shallow. Marrying to prove you aren’t a shallow person is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.
And if he is loaded ($$$), people are more likely to think that they ARE shallow. Married him for the $.
Anonymous
07/03/2023 15:28
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
Your portrait describes every man ever raised in this forum.
Someone then alerts you to “get a lawyer.”
From the 565 lawyers/JDs on this list, a hungry chap replies with his name or the name of his spouse. Sometimes it’s the same poster. Opinions and warnings ensue.
Change gender, same process. My boys bedtime routine ten years ago were more interesting that this!
Someone then alerts you to “get a lawyer.”
From the 565 lawyers/JDs on this list, a hungry chap replies with his name or the name of his spouse. Sometimes it’s the same poster. Opinions and warnings ensue.
Change gender, same process. My boys bedtime routine ten years ago were more interesting that this!
Anonymous
07/03/2023 15:20
Subject: If Your Spouse is Ugly / Funny Looking
If I see someone married to someone truly hideous I don’t think the person isn’t shallow. Marrying to prove you aren’t a shallow person is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.