A lot of “perfect” type people are anxious and controlling and feel tremendous pressure to live up to certain standards to be loved by other people

I’ve had a similar sentiment towards my brother’s seemingly perfect family (mostly comparing kids). I then became aware that my SIL has major problems despite being so outgoing and cute. (Also my kid became less weird with age so that helped too)
Anyway, I guarantee you two things: your sister knows of your feelings and your sister has a skeleton or two in her closet.
I think talking to her would help, and if you are careful and keep saying you don’t blame her and it’s not your fault and it’s just your feeling - it might actually help you both.
If you don’t want to talk to her - keep looking for her skeleton. In my case a mutual acquaintance saw a fb post in a group they were both in. The post was supposed to be anonymous but something went wrong for a minute so she saw. I would never ever use her secret against my SIL but it helped me knowing it.

The June 29th Ask Sahaj advice column in the Washington Post had a good answer to a similar question about jealousy and resentment towards a sister-in-law. I hope you can read it. https://www.washingtonpost.com/advice/2023/06/29/ask-sahaj-resent-sister-in-law-mom/

This might land with mixed reaction but I would suggest doing an intense course like Landmark for a major perspective shift. I advise not getting sucked into the more culty aspects of it. It is not meant to replace therapy and long term self work, but it will really shake up your perspective on this whole dynamic (in probably a scary but good way).

Are your parents, or one of your parents a narcissist? Are you and were you a scapegoat child to your narc parent? And their narc supply?
I ask honestly, BCS I have a similar dynamic with my mom, but not with my sister. Sister is the golden child to mom, can't do no wrong, and mom constantly lashes out at me often I have a feeling that my own mom would not shed a tear if I died today. Luckily it has not influenced my relationship with my younger sister, but I see now why sometimes sis acts like a narc herself and is very immature too at age 50.

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if talking to your sister might actually help you. Maybe she's also seen the disparities and wishes she could do something to help. If that was the case, do you think it would help you mentally to know that?

This is the OP again-that's a thought-thank you. I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable though. It's not her problem. It's funny-based on some of the responses. I feel like maybe I wasn't clear enough about this in my initial post. While it's been very hard living in my sister's shadow, I don't blame her for anything. Honestly, I blame a lot of it on myself for not being "better" somehow and yeah, I do blame some of it on our parents for creating a toxic environment and in many cases being cruel in their comparisons. Their love in many ways felt conditional and I didn't meet the conditions. My sister and I are only 1 year apart in age which added to the comparisons-I heard it from my parents but also from people outside the family as well. I think if there had been more of an age difference it would have been a little easier? Regardless, this is my issue to deal with. I was in a bad head space and was venting when I wrote the original post.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have an inner child wound that needs to be healed. Tons of info on YouTube on this along with narcissism, parentification, and toxic family dynamics. I’m 44 and just went down the rabbit hole of realization with my own family dynamics. I think sometimes it takes a big life event, a significant interaction, or a huge a ha moment for people to realize what’s what. Common that that happens in your 30s and 40s.

This is the OP-thank you. Yes-there was so much dysfunction in my family-way too much to get into here and way beyond the favoritism issue.

I'm the superior sibling. My parents are also accomplished people. Sibling is... not. Relationships are complicated. I don't think it could be anything but complicated. Dishing out blame is misplaced.

I am in the position of your sister. I felt she was always jealous of me and I could not share any successes or good news with her. She would make it all about her insecurities and not be happy for me and always was comparing herself.

She isn't talking to me anymore, and many family members. She has struggled with a lot of mental health issues. It is sad, but I cannot change people and their feelings towards me. I advise that you really try to not compare yourself and try to be happy for all the good things in your life.

Sounds like you have an inner child wound that needs to be healed. Tons of info on YouTube on this along with narcissism, parentification, and toxic family dynamics. I’m 44 and just went down the rabbit hole of realization with my own family dynamics. I think sometimes it takes a big life event, a significant interaction, or a huge a ha moment for people to realize what’s what. Common that that happens in your 30s and 40s.

This is often common among siblings. One sibling is better looking, smarter, more athletic, more popular. Same for frirnds. There is usually one who is “better” or the “best”.

This should affect you as much in your forties. You should have grown out of this and be able to have your own life and be happy.

Honestly, I think you should spend less time around your parents. Your sister doesn't sound mean at all - though it'd be nice if she spoke up when your parents compared you and told them to stop. But try spending less time around your parents.

I wonder if talking to your sister might actually help you. Maybe she's also seen the disparities and wishes she could do something to help. If that was the case, do you think it would help you mentally to know that?

My sister feels this way, but she was the golden child and I was the scapegoat and we are not close. She is full of cognitive distortions about how easy and perfect my life is and she feels sorry for herself constantly. She seems happy when bad things happen to me and is the first to try to offer superficial comfort, but I don't share any good news because it sends her spiraling. It's exhausting not good for either of us so I keep my distance. If you feel this down after seeing your sister, see her less and work on finding your joy.