Anonymous
06/30/2023 13:03
Subject: unplanned second child
You can always terminate.
My parents had me when my mom was 32 and my dad was 40. They intended to be one and done but then my mom accidentally got pregnant when she as 39 and my dad was 47. It almost ended their marriage. He wanted her to terminate and she wouldn't even consider it because she was religious. Then at her 20 week check up they found out it was actually twins! I vividly remember my mom coming home sobbing and telling my dad it was twins and he started screaming. It ended being two boys who are my dad's favorite part of his life still to this day. My brothers and I always had more of a parent child relationship than siblings.
My parents had me when my mom was 32 and my dad was 40. They intended to be one and done but then my mom accidentally got pregnant when she as 39 and my dad was 47. It almost ended their marriage. He wanted her to terminate and she wouldn't even consider it because she was religious. Then at her 20 week check up they found out it was actually twins! I vividly remember my mom coming home sobbing and telling my dad it was twins and he started screaming. It ended being two boys who are my dad's favorite part of his life still to this day. My brothers and I always had more of a parent child relationship than siblings.
Anonymous
06/30/2023 07:41
Subject: unplanned second child
I have a 5.5y gap between kids. It’s really great in some ways and harder in different ways. There is much less sibling rivalry but my older child (12y) is the one who has had more twists and turns in forgetting over the years how much younger their sibling is in terms of reactions/annoyances/perceptions of different treatment etc…”Yes, kid your sibling DOES have different chores than you but when you were their age they were yours. When sibling is older they will be expected to do more too.”
It does feel like oldest gets the best of our resources …classes, activity timing prioritization, and now as the younger has entered school we are sorting out the differences there and do a ton of encouraging the older child to ask about sibling’s day, friends attend recitals etc. Younger sibling has watched us and modeled that for older sibling forever it’s important that flows both ways, probably more so with the age gap. Good luck! FWIW my first thought when I found out I was pregnant with my second was “I’ve ruined everything” it wasn’t true…and the thought transformed into happiness and excitement pretty quickly, but the worry was there for awhile.
It does feel like oldest gets the best of our resources …classes, activity timing prioritization, and now as the younger has entered school we are sorting out the differences there and do a ton of encouraging the older child to ask about sibling’s day, friends attend recitals etc. Younger sibling has watched us and modeled that for older sibling forever it’s important that flows both ways, probably more so with the age gap. Good luck! FWIW my first thought when I found out I was pregnant with my second was “I’ve ruined everything” it wasn’t true…and the thought transformed into happiness and excitement pretty quickly, but the worry was there for awhile.
Anonymous
06/29/2023 21:41
Subject: unplanned second child
If you were OAD and are not excited about #2 and feel like it would be harmful for your life ask yourself what impact this pregnancy will have on the very real child you currently have. If this something you are in the fence about, abort.
Anonymous
06/29/2023 18:40
Subject: unplanned second child
What birth control failed you OP?
Anonymous
06/29/2023 18:35
Subject: unplanned second child
Anonymous wrote:DH and I are both 38. We always went back and forth on the thought of two, but for me I feel like it was the social pressures of having another vs actually wanting one. Ultimately, we decided that we were one and done, and I have been on birth control since DS was 2.5. Our DS is 4 and we are having a blast with this new phase of independence and activities. Flash forward to last week, we found out we are expecting. I feel so guilty that my first thought was complete sadness. I feel totally blindsided (I know birth control is not 100%), financially unprepared, and mentally unprepared. I am so scared about being AMA and going through pregnancy/delivery all over again. We just got into a new phase of our lives, and we are starting again from complete scratch. I am so scared about the age gap between our children, though DS would make a great big brother and always ask us for a little sibling. I am scared my relationship with DH will suffer. Are these feelings normal? Has anyone been through this? Positive stories about having children 5 years apart? I am hoping once I have more time to process everything that I will consider this a blessing and be happy, but I am so overwhelmed at the moment.
My nieces are 6 years apart and the best of friends. They are in their 20s now and really love and support each other.
Anonymous
06/29/2023 18:16
Subject: Re:unplanned second child
We also have a 4 year age gap. It was awesome. Oldest was more independent and able to be truly helpful. She was more able to do things on the playground by herself while I wore the baby (as opposed to my second and third who are 2 years apart and the middle still needed a lot of support on the playground while I was wearing the baby). They are playmates and get along well. The middle follows a lot of what the oldest does.
With two, you can also go 1:1 coverage. Meaning if the oldest has an event or something that needs to be done, the other parent can have the baby. You will be more experienced parents so things will a little easier.
It is totally reasonable to be worried and have doubts and feel overwhelmed. It is ok that you didn't immediately feel joy. It is also ok that you later feel excited. Every feeling is right and valid.
With two, you can also go 1:1 coverage. Meaning if the oldest has an event or something that needs to be done, the other parent can have the baby. You will be more experienced parents so things will a little easier.
It is totally reasonable to be worried and have doubts and feel overwhelmed. It is ok that you didn't immediately feel joy. It is also ok that you later feel excited. Every feeling is right and valid.
Anonymous
06/29/2023 16:32
Subject: unplanned second child
5 year gap here due to infertility. It’s GREAT. DD1 is 6.5 and DD2 is 18 months. They are so close. DD1 has real ownership of her and adores the little one. They even cuddle together and have little inside “jokes”. DD2 has developed way faster and just wants to do whatever sis does. It’s really nice. I was also truly scared to death (and AMA) and it’s been lovely. Good luck OP
Anonymous
06/28/2023 16:39
Subject: unplanned second child
Anonymous wrote:OP, we were in a similar situation (except a couple years younger than you are today) and terminated the pregnancy. It wasn't an easy decision and it took us a while to finalize it, but I don't regret it. Here's another thing that happened -- fast forward a few years, and we decided we were ready for a second child given the age gap that we would have. We are in such a different mindset with this pregnancy and with what's to come.
DP but this oddly makes sense to me (and fwiw, I am firmly one and done). I went from wanting zero kids to wanting at least one kid when I had an accidental pregnancy/miscarriage long ago. It provoked a thought experiment.
Anonymous
06/28/2023 09:23
Subject: unplanned second child
OP, we were in a similar situation (except a couple years younger than you are today) and terminated the pregnancy. It wasn't an easy decision and it took us a while to finalize it, but I don't regret it. Here's another thing that happened -- fast forward a few years, and we decided we were ready for a second child given the age gap that we would have. We are in such a different mindset with this pregnancy and with what's to come.