Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 08:18     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Sounds like you want to have your quim stuffed by some strange. Which is normal.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 08:16     Subject: Re:Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Don’t leave. It will get better. Marriage has ups and downs. There’s no guarantee you’ll find a new partner. I was in your position and I left. I regret it. This mythical new partner never appeared.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 06:24     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.


You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.


Op here- As you say- plenty of women do the “majority” of labor- are they screaming at their families constantly? Hitting their kids? Throwing things at their husbands? Breaking their golf clubs or whatever? Why would this give him a pass?

He’s always been a rager/angry/abusive regardless of his “stress” level- one job, two jobs, no job, tiny apartment, house, kids, no kids. It doesn’t really matter. I also always excused him for having a “temper” or “stress” or “working hard” or that whatever he was screaming at me about was my fault, or I would fight/yell back in an attempt to feel less weak.

But I hated my life, and I hated being his punching bag, I hated how out of control everything at home was. It left me physically and emotionally drained, and later, checked out and depressed and sleeping poorly. Which only made him angrier and created a sort of death spiral. He was only peaceful to me if I was crying or pregnant. I’ll sacrifice his “contribution” to feel peace.

Unfortunately his behavior was escalating to physical abuse to me and the kids, because that’s what happens when someone like this is left unchecked for years. His behavior was also beginning to have a visible impact on our kids, who were also learning that being disrespectful, screaming and breaking things and hitting and being a jerk is the way to handle your “stress,” particularly the older one.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 05:13     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.


You said he works two jobs, does the majority of the housework, and is super involved with the kids. How many moms come on DCUM to talk about how overworked and underappreciated they are with one job and kids? Pretty obvious where his stress comes from.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 05:04     Subject: Re:Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
But why is this guy working two jobs and involved with the kids and doing the majority of the housework? Seems like OP could have just asked him to only do one job and not the housework or at least less of it. Sounds like she has an easy life next to his.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 23:33     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.


OP, you said his anger and rage was directed at you. I don’t hear any accountability on your part for that anger if there are no other true stressors in your lives as stated.

This idiot sounds like my uncle who used to justify berating his wife to tears saying that she hadn’t ironed his shirt correctly that day.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 23:27     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.


OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.


Yes, this is me, I am filled with resentment and sadness from 15 years of this. What are we going to do, pp? How long can we live like this? Do we leave now?
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 23:19     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:OP I could have written this. My DH used to yell on a daily basis, lots of controlling behavior (Ie flip out if seeing friends or 5 minutes late, no access to financial information or yelling if needed to go to the bathroom). I walked on eggshells. During COVID, he would open the door just to rage and I was left with the kids trying to make the best. He finally went to therapy and the yelling reduced. But through my own therapy and from friends and family concern. I realized it was emotionally abusive. I still love him but ultiemluy don’t feel emotional safety or in love or attraction. Couples therapy made it worse because now he is the victim because I am rejecting him but yet I need to heal and haven’t been able to repair. No real accountability on his part which makes me worry he could do this again as he did for almost a decade. In the process of divorce (hellish) with two kids and I work but I make way less than him in education and no generational wealth. It’s really scary and I go back and forth and self doubt. In the end we can try but it’s ok to have these feelings as trust has been broken and they haven’t necessarily earned it. What does your gut say?


Op here. I am so sorry that you are going through this too, pp. The bolded is what I worry about, because my husband often descends into a victim mentality. He is rather charismatic and I worry he will lull the couples counselor into thinking he is a harmless goofball. He is a very insecure, image-oriented person who always wants to be the life of the party and have people like him and always made us miserable at home.

It hurts because he didn’t shape up until he was shamed into it- the shock of *other people* telling him this was not acceptable behavior made him realize what he was doing was wrong, but years of me crying and telling him it was destroying my love for him and our marriage… not so much.

My gut has been saying to leave for months. For the sake of our children and the stability I thought I had built for them, I am trying to work this out.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 22:16     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Did you grow up in a family with abuse? Perhaps the abuse was what you were used to and now that it's gone you're disoriented.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 22:14     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.


OP, you said his anger and rage was directed at you. I don’t hear any accountability on your part for that anger if there are no other true stressors in your lives as stated.


Holy gaslighting PP. WTF? His anger does not mean OP is responsible or needs accountability. Misogynist much?
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 22:11     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:DH had reached a point where his anger and rage were too much, and had escalated into physical aggression (I won’t go as far as saying domestic violence per our counselor but many people would consider what he did to be a dealbreaker).

I finally had enough and told people including our families and clergy that I was living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, and reluctantly, he got into counseling, both individual and marriage counseling with me. He has committed to it. The counselors who have worked with us both believe he is on the right track. He has also stopped almost all of the behaviors that upset me for so long and is controlling himself completely and being the husband I have always wanted him to be. It’s only been a couple of months but I feel like there has been a real sea change, and it may be genuine. Our home environment is also so much more peaceful and pleasant for our kids, and with him controlling himself it is so much easier for me to be a better parent and less reactive too.

So why do I want to leave him more than anything? I have time benchmarks that I talked about with my counselor, for example I checked in with myself at the end of the school year and felt I could stay, I want to see how the summer goes, etc. I am trying to reconnect with him and do things with him.

He is an ultra responsible parent and partner: he works two jobs, makes decent money, does a majority of the housework, and is very involved with our kids. But for years he just treated me abysmally and I just did nothing about it for so long, feeling like I couldn’t leave. And now I am not seeing any sort of future with him. I love him, but in a detached sort of way, like a relative that I just don’t like very much.

It’s like the entire marriage was an uphill climb for me anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t know when my feelings will change or if they will change. I loved this man for so long, but I am spent and feel like I am in a totally different place now: I would like to find a partner that I don’t have this ugly history with. I feel calm, but that I do not want to stay married to this man. It was like the thought never realistically occurred to me, but once it did, it’s a siren song that I can’t get out of my head.

I don’t know if I am asking a question or venting. Have you been here? Do I need to give it more time? I don’t want 50/50 custody of my kids, I don’t want to lose half my finances (although I’d totally survive financially). I want to do the right thing for everyone but it feels like staying is not the right thing for me.


OP are you me? My story is almost exactly aligned with yours, save for the fact that I married my husband because I fell in love with the perceived stability I thought he and his family would bring to my life because my mom had just died. My husband too is working on all of his anger issues but I feel like it is too little too late. Verbal and emotional abuse for 20 years and it just feels like I have so much resentment and sadness. I am now in a place of extreme calm but complete removal and distance in terms of emotional and physical intimacy. I’m kind of just enjoying the space and not making decisions right now. I am right there with you.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 21:56     Subject: Re:Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
What I read from your post is that while his behavior has changed, there's been no work done to repair the damage. Unless the repair work is done, you, rightly, aren't invested in maintaining the relationship. I suggest you work with an individual counselor to see whether you're interested your husband leading the repairs or if there's too much water under the bridge and you need to move on. Hugs.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 21:48     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
OP I could have written this. My DH used to yell on a daily basis, lots of controlling behavior (Ie flip out if seeing friends or 5 minutes late, no access to financial information or yelling if needed to go to the bathroom). I walked on eggshells. During COVID, he would open the door just to rage and I was left with the kids trying to make the best. He finally went to therapy and the yelling reduced. But through my own therapy and from friends and family concern. I realized it was emotionally abusive. I still love him but ultiemluy don’t feel emotional safety or in love or attraction. Couples therapy made it worse because now he is the victim because I am rejecting him but yet I need to heal and haven’t been able to repair. No real accountability on his part which makes me worry he could do this again as he did for almost a decade. In the process of divorce (hellish) with two kids and I work but I make way less than him in education and no generational wealth. It’s really scary and I go back and forth and self doubt. In the end we can try but it’s ok to have these feelings as trust has been broken and they haven’t necessarily earned it. What does your gut say?
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 21:31     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:P.S. this is op and I also work full time and make the same amount of money as him, his second job adds a bit more but I recommended against it. He wasn’t a raging, screaming maniac because of any real stress, our lives don’t really have a lot of stress other than what he created for me and the kids. I’ve felt fatigued for so long I don’t remember being any other way.


OP, you said his anger and rage was directed at you. I don’t hear any accountability on your part for that anger if there are no other true stressors in your lives as stated.


NP but I do NOT understand these kind of posts. What accountability is OP supposed to take? For triggering his rage? Is that what you mean?

Just speaking for myself, I went all-in on the surrendered wife Laura Doyle for 2 years and my STBX just got worse and worse. It got to the point where he was flying off the handle about how I would breathe or blink wrong. I'm not apologizing for involuntary bodily functions.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 21:16     Subject: Wanting to divorce a “recovered” spouse
OP, I am not going to claim to be an expert, at all. But reading your post made me wonder. I am afraid of saying this wrong, and in no way am I trying to be disrespectful or insulting. But is there any chance that the abuse and rage were part of what was keeping you "in" the relationship?

Have you read about attachment in relationships at all? The idea is that how you bond with your primary attachment figure as a young child (usually a parent, often your mother) tends to be how you bond in intimate relationships, unless you understand that pattern and change it. So if your childhood primary attachment is problematic (as mine was), it can set the stage for problems in adult relationships. I saw a therapist for awhile who talked a lot about attachment, and your post made me think of that. HTH and wish you well