Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 13:19     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:OP - how old are you and BF?


Op: both 40, divorced.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 13:05     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:OP - how old are you and BF?


chronologically we are both 30'ish, but emotionally, I am more like a teenager.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 12:58     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
OP - how old are you and BF?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 12:58     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think the fundamental problem you did way too much for his birthday first and it’s set your expectations up too high to have that same level of effort reciprocated from him. A key sign of your anxiety/overfunctioning is that you asked if you should help him plan.

I would just observe how this weekend goes from here and decide whether this style of “spontaneous” works for you. It’s lazy and low effort for *me*, but you might feel differently. But just know, this is who he is and you won’t be able to change it.


Are you married and is your DH good at planning?

PP. Yes and yes.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 12:51     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:I think the fundamental problem you did way too much for his birthday first and it’s set your expectations up too high to have that same level of effort reciprocated from him. A key sign of your anxiety/overfunctioning is that you asked if you should help him plan.

I would just observe how this weekend goes from here and decide whether this style of “spontaneous” works for you. It’s lazy and low effort for *me*, but you might feel differently. But just know, this is who he is and you won’t be able to change it.


Are you married and is your DH good at planning?
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 12:47     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
Men are not good at planning stuff for birthdays, etc. so a little nudging is okay.

Perhaps verbalize something that you would like to do this wknd & see how he reacts.

Happy Birthday!
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 12:45     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
I think the fundamental problem you did way too much for his birthday first and it’s set your expectations up too high to have that same level of effort reciprocated from him. A key sign of your anxiety/overfunctioning is that you asked if you should help him plan.

I would just observe how this weekend goes from here and decide whether this style of “spontaneous” works for you. It’s lazy and low effort for *me*, but you might feel differently. But just know, this is who he is and you won’t be able to change it.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 11:59     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
He has marked off the weekend to celebrate and briefly mentioned going away ONCE- that is not the same as him stating he has made plans.


op: so should I assume that he won't be planning anything then? And just wait to see if he brings it up this weekend? I'm confused.


What? Don’t assume anything, just ask. This isn’t a new relationship.


OP: I posted an update above. I didn't flat out ask, but I strongly hinted I guess.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 11:57     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
He has marked off the weekend to celebrate and briefly mentioned going away ONCE- that is not the same as him stating he has made plans.


op: so should I assume that he won't be planning anything then? And just wait to see if he brings it up this weekend? I'm confused.


What? Don’t assume anything, just ask. This isn’t a new relationship.
Anonymous
Post 06/23/2023 11:53     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
OP here. Update: We are supposed to leave tomorrow and I had not heard anything as of this morning. He texted me good morning and I replied, "I'm excited to spend time with you this weekend!" He called me a few minutes later and asked if I had to work this weekend. I said no, and that I thought we had blocked off Saturday to Monday to spend together.

He said yes, we did, and he was thinking about it in the shower this morning, and he wanted to be "spontaneous". He said he's going to book a place on a lake today, since it will be raining all weekend and we can't go to the beach.

I said that's great, looking forward to it.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 17:53     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for your boyfriend. I hope you are super hot and really good in the sack.


Oh please, guys can be so lazy. This is bare minimum to plan something for your partner’s birthday.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 17:40     Subject: Re:How to handle my birthday with my BF
I feel sorry for your boyfriend. I hope you are super hot and really good in the sack.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 14:42     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DP. with your update, I'd just ask him to level with you. In any case I'd prepare to be disappointed. I'm sorry. I've been there. Married him and it's been 17 years. He's a good DH overall and a good father, but has never been great on birthdays/celebrations. I have long since learned to temper my expectations.


OP: I get that. I feel like either way it's going to be a let-down though- if I level with him, and he hasn't thought about anything, or if I wait and see, and he hasn't done anything. At least by not saying anything, I give him a chance to book something last minute, without micromanaging, right?


It is clear that no matter what he does you are going to be let down and upset at him. You need to grow up. Tell him what you want for your birthday and then work with him to make it happen.


NP. I'm sorry but I disagree.

OP - your BF said he was planning something. You will be disappointed if he didn't - that's a given. But by asking him "hey should I pack something" is really wishy washy and passively asking. Now, if you go the direct route "hey what are the plans for the weekend" - and then he didn't and has to scramble to "give you what you want" you will most likely still be disappointed.

That said - if it were me, I wouldn't ask. Funny how the same ppl that say "speak up / ask for what you want" are the same ppl who also say either grow up your birthday is not a big deal or stop micromanaging and let your partner do what he says. What I would want in this scenario is my bf to actually proactively plan and follow through with what he said. You can't "speak up and ask" for that until he doesn't. I don't think OP is dying to go to the beach but rather trying to figure out what type of bf she has and is he considerate, thoughtful and/or a planner. I think it matters - that you are with someone that matches you or that you can live with. She won't find out by doing it all and saying it all for him upfront.


I agree with this. Especially finding out what you’re dealing with.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 13:54     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DP. with your update, I'd just ask him to level with you. In any case I'd prepare to be disappointed. I'm sorry. I've been there. Married him and it's been 17 years. He's a good DH overall and a good father, but has never been great on birthdays/celebrations. I have long since learned to temper my expectations.


OP: I get that. I feel like either way it's going to be a let-down though- if I level with him, and he hasn't thought about anything, or if I wait and see, and he hasn't done anything. At least by not saying anything, I give him a chance to book something last minute, without micromanaging, right?


It is clear that no matter what he does you are going to be let down and upset at him. You need to grow up. Tell him what you want for your birthday and then work with him to make it happen.


NP. I'm sorry but I disagree.

OP - your BF said he was planning something. You will be disappointed if he didn't - that's a given. But by asking him "hey should I pack something" is really wishy washy and passively asking. Now, if you go the direct route "hey what are the plans for the weekend" - and then he didn't and has to scramble to "give you what you want" you will most likely still be disappointed.

That said - if it were me, I wouldn't ask. Funny how the same ppl that say "speak up / ask for what you want" are the same ppl who also say either grow up your birthday is not a big deal or stop micromanaging and let your partner do what he says. What I would want in this scenario is my bf to actually proactively plan and follow through with what he said. You can't "speak up and ask" for that until he doesn't. I don't think OP is dying to go to the beach but rather trying to figure out what type of bf she has and is he considerate, thoughtful and/or a planner. I think it matters - that you are with someone that matches you or that you can live with. She won't find out by doing it all and saying it all for him upfront.
Anonymous
Post 06/22/2023 13:47     Subject: How to handle my birthday with my BF
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DP. with your update, I'd just ask him to level with you. In any case I'd prepare to be disappointed. I'm sorry. I've been there. Married him and it's been 17 years. He's a good DH overall and a good father, but has never been great on birthdays/celebrations. I have long since learned to temper my expectations.


OP: I get that. I feel like either way it's going to be a let-down though- if I level with him, and he hasn't thought about anything, or if I wait and see, and he hasn't done anything. At least by not saying anything, I give him a chance to book something last minute, without micromanaging, right?


It is clear that no matter what he does you are going to be let down and upset at him. You need to grow up. Tell him what you want for your birthday and then work with him to make it happen.


I kind of agree. You are assuming the worst because…he hasn’t told you specifics or given you a printed itinerary or something? Maybe he’ll tell you tonight, or maybe he wants it to be a surprise. Just ask him later, hey what are we doing this weekend for my birthday? And go from there based on his response.

I really don’t get adults who expect a big reaction to their birthday. He’s already acknowledged it and knows it’s your birthday. Hopefully he will come through with something assuming he’s a good boyfriend otherwise.