Anonymous
06/28/2023 19:10
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
When friends act in some disappointing way and my teen is upset, I commiserate and say stuff like “yep, people can be disappointing. Because people are human. But that doesn’t mean they meant to be hurtful or that their friendship isn’t meaningful. I know X really values you.”
Anonymous
06/28/2023 19:06
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
I do what others have suggested, saying “that sounds so hard,” “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time” all that kind of stuff and let them vent. If they say something like “I can’t write this essay I am stupid,” I’ll say “Writing can be difficult. I know I often have trouble starting when there’s just a blank page.” Or whatever
But in addition I make a point of, just as a routine, sharing some of the emotional challenges that I face during my day. I think adults can seem like we never feel negative emotions, so tweens and teenagers can feel like they are the only ones who are incompetent or out of control or whatever. So if I have to make a work call that I am dreading, I will mention to my kids that I am dreading the call. Or if I’m trying to parallel park, I will make note of the fact that I am a horrible parallel parker and that this is difficult for me but that I just have to persevere. Not that I’m just constantly sharing my troubles with them, which is trying to normalize having negative feelings when disappointing things happen or when you face having to do something that is unpleasant.
But in addition I make a point of, just as a routine, sharing some of the emotional challenges that I face during my day. I think adults can seem like we never feel negative emotions, so tweens and teenagers can feel like they are the only ones who are incompetent or out of control or whatever. So if I have to make a work call that I am dreading, I will mention to my kids that I am dreading the call. Or if I’m trying to parallel park, I will make note of the fact that I am a horrible parallel parker and that this is difficult for me but that I just have to persevere. Not that I’m just constantly sharing my troubles with them, which is trying to normalize having negative feelings when disappointing things happen or when you face having to do something that is unpleasant.
Anonymous
06/23/2023 11:26
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
"Im sorry you're feeling like that. It sounds hard". "I love you and im here for you". "How can i help?" I would use the last one sparingly depending on the situation and maybe reference back.
Being dismissive or trying to fix it backfires as it feeds the "i cant manage myself" feeling.
My kid is little and i praise effort and trying to figure out hard stuff no matter if she succeeds. Perfectionism is very dangerous and ive experienced it and went down the path of not even trying and freezing up in front of challenges (academic and social).
Being dismissive or trying to fix it backfires as it feeds the "i cant manage myself" feeling.
My kid is little and i praise effort and trying to figure out hard stuff no matter if she succeeds. Perfectionism is very dangerous and ive experienced it and went down the path of not even trying and freezing up in front of challenges (academic and social).
Anonymous
06/23/2023 11:19
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:The most important thing is not to minimize it. Don't say things like "that's not true" or "it'll be ok" or "you'll feel better tomorrow". That just makes the person feel dismissed and misunderstood. Just listen patiently and say neutral things like PP suggested - "that sounds hard". Or you could say "it sounds like you are really upset/angry/frustrated" which is just kind of showing you are hearing them.
I have a very emotional now 19yo and it took me a LONG time to understand this and not rush in trying to "fix" things for her. Now I will listen and ask "how can I help?" or "do you just need to vent or can I help you think through solutions?". Way more often than I would have thought, she picks just need to vent.
This. One hundred percent this.
Well, 94%. If they are deeply upset, being told they are just venting can feel insulting.
This advice works when they are complaining but mostly calm, not when they are breaking down.
Anonymous
06/23/2023 11:16
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
Remember the mantra "Believe women" from #metoo? It applies generally.
Feelings are never wrong. Someone's lived experience is their truth, even if it isn't yours.
You won't get anywhere by telling someone that they shouldn't be upset.
Validay their feelings, give them time and space to lament or mourn. Then give them ideas for how to take steps to improve. Not one-step to fix everything, but ask them for their own ideas to to move them from where they are in the direction of where they want to go. Then support them taking those steps.
Give your advice as add-ons to their own; don't push your own ideas against theirs.
Feelings are never wrong. Someone's lived experience is their truth, even if it isn't yours.
You won't get anywhere by telling someone that they shouldn't be upset.
Validay their feelings, give them time and space to lament or mourn. Then give them ideas for how to take steps to improve. Not one-step to fix everything, but ask them for their own ideas to to move them from where they are in the direction of where they want to go. Then support them taking those steps.
Give your advice as add-ons to their own; don't push your own ideas against theirs.
Anonymous
06/22/2023 22:13
Subject: What are helpful responses when your kid says things
I agree with a lot of this advice. I'd also find a time when he's NOT in this mode to talk about it with him. You can speak honestly. Maybe it's, "What do you think would be helpful when you say things like that?" or "What do you think makes you say things like that?"
You can even be honest: if it's hurting your heart, you can ask him to dial it back a little. It seems to me like he wants to shock you in some way, to push the burden of the emotion onto someone else, but if the way he says it is hard for you, you can say so. Make it clear that you DO care about him and you ARE glad to be the person he vents to and everyone has their shitty moments, and we all need someone to let off steam with, but maybe he can leave out the ____" (whatever the thing is that upsets you the most. Or ask him to give it a try and see how it goes.
You can even be honest: if it's hurting your heart, you can ask him to dial it back a little. It seems to me like he wants to shock you in some way, to push the burden of the emotion onto someone else, but if the way he says it is hard for you, you can say so. Make it clear that you DO care about him and you ARE glad to be the person he vents to and everyone has their shitty moments, and we all need someone to let off steam with, but maybe he can leave out the ____" (whatever the thing is that upsets you the most. Or ask him to give it a try and see how it goes.