Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 23:04     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Do you know the saying "to have friends you have to be friendly"? It's really true. I didn't have good examples--my parents had very few friends and weren't great friends to them. But now I try very hard to really listen to my friends, ask them questions rather than telling a similar story (which can be taken as one-upmanship), remember things they've talked about and check back in with them, invite them to events they might enjoy, take note of their likes and dislikes, that sort of thing. If they mention being sick or having a hard time I ask if I can bring them anything or be helpful. These might sound incredibly obvious but they don't come natural to me. Doing them intentionally has helped me have better friendships. Sometimes they can be hard to do because of fear of being awkward or being rejected, but hopefully you'll find people who assume the best of you and who appreciate your efforts!
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 21:11     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:I do have one best friend actually but she’s a no mom so I see her only about twice a year. I have another person that I see maybe every four months but we don’t really communicate. The last time I saw this person was in January when we took a mini girl’s trip, but again we don’t really talk that often. I also WFH so it’s harder to meet people. Basically, I don’t have a girl friend(s) that I can hang out with on a consistent basis or anyone to just hit up to go out with.

A little background on me: Im a big introvert with anxiety, so I find it hard to go out and meet people and maintain those relationships because I’m always worried about how I come off. I have a SO who I love spending time with but would like to have a core group of friends outside of him. Despite my anxiety I’m pretty laid back, so I’m not needy at all.

So, how does a laid back, introvert with anxiety make friends? How do you guys make friends?


1) Make baby
2) Make another baby
3) Too busy for friends
4) Make new friends with moms of classmates, teammates, carpool, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 21:02     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:If you have a kid or a dog, it's easier, but it's not impossible otherwise. Agree with the others who say you need to join something--can be a class, volunteering, a religious thing, meetup group, professional organization, a local government committee, or pretty much anything else. I have made a couple friends through the combination of volunteering + riding the metro home...something about having something in common, plus a chance to chat one on one, plus a fixed end point to the conversation so it's not awkward.

Also, especially if you don't have kids, I think it's important not to only befriend people your age. I say this as someone without kids and in my 30s...if you are only friends with women in your 30s, a lot of them will have kids, and a lot of them will not be as good friends to you once they have kids, even if you love kids and are happy to hang out with them...they will make friends with other moms, and be tired, and just not have as much time as they used to. But if you also have older and younger friends, it helps. Don't drop your friends just because they have kids...assume they are doing their best while their kids are small and you may be able to pick things back up as the kids get older. I know on a message board that's mostly moms this will not be universally-adored advice, but it's been my experience.


Mom of young kids here and omg your second paragraph is spot on and it’s great advice to OP.
Anonymous
Post 06/19/2023 20:27     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
If you have a kid or a dog, it's easier, but it's not impossible otherwise. Agree with the others who say you need to join something--can be a class, volunteering, a religious thing, meetup group, professional organization, a local government committee, or pretty much anything else. I have made a couple friends through the combination of volunteering + riding the metro home...something about having something in common, plus a chance to chat one on one, plus a fixed end point to the conversation so it's not awkward.

Also, especially if you don't have kids, I think it's important not to only befriend people your age. I say this as someone without kids and in my 30s...if you are only friends with women in your 30s, a lot of them will have kids, and a lot of them will not be as good friends to you once they have kids, even if you love kids and are happy to hang out with them...they will make friends with other moms, and be tired, and just not have as much time as they used to. But if you also have older and younger friends, it helps. Don't drop your friends just because they have kids...assume they are doing their best while their kids are small and you may be able to pick things back up as the kids get older. I know on a message board that's mostly moms this will not be universally-adored advice, but it's been my experience.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 21:47     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but it’s just going to be impossible to make new friends at that advanced age. You have to start making friends in college


That means if you went to college in California and moved to the east coast you will only have long distance friends?

I think the toughest part for you is working at home. Start by talking to your local people. The people who work in the market, coffee shop, etc. It will get you started in being comfortable starting up a conversation. You’ll also see how many people enjoy talking to you. Also learn how some people are just miserable and how to avoid them. Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 12:04     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:So, if your kids aren't in school yet, ENJOY your last few years of introversion without forced socialization. it will all hit you at once


What an odd and overly dramatic statement to make.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 11:44     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
So, if your kids aren't in school yet, ENJOY your last few years of introversion without forced socialization. it will all hit you at once
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 11:42     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
How old are your kids? For me, by the time my kid entered school, there was tons of forced socialization with other school moms, and then I got close with a couple of my kids buddies moms. It's pretty organic in that you keep seeing the buddies moms and end up chatting here and there, exchange numbers, friend on FB, etc.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 10:35     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but it’s just going to be impossible to make new friends at that advanced age. You have to start making friends in college


I can only assume this response was an attempt at cheap humor. OP don't listen to this person.


Well it is sort of true.


I haven't talked to my college friends in 10+ years what are you even talking about. All of the good friends I have now are from my post-college years.
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 10:32     Subject: Re:No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:What’s a “no mom”?

Likely typo “new mom”
Anonymous
Post 06/18/2023 10:11     Subject: No friends at 33. How to get them?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sorry but it’s just going to be impossible to make new friends at that advanced age. You have to start making friends in college


I can only assume this response was an attempt at cheap humor. OP don't listen to this person.


Well it is sort of true.


DP. I never really clicked with my college friends. Made some really great, close friends in my 30s, but honestly, it took having little kids to do this. Being in the trenches with people in the same life stage and knowing your sanity depends on making an effort socially forms close bonds.