Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:38
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
She did not ask, "And who do you think is right?" She did not ask, whether her demands are justified.
She said what would you do if you felt the way I do, given the circumstances I have described and the outcome I need.
Some of you sound like defensive husbands or wife bashers in that you expect her to first convince you if she is worthy of the help she is asking for.
She said what would you do if you felt the way I do, given the circumstances I have described and the outcome I need.
Some of you sound like defensive husbands or wife bashers in that you expect her to first convince you if she is worthy of the help she is asking for.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:30
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.
NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?
To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)
I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.
List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.
I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.
Because someone asking more of their spouse three days after a hip replacement is just a fundamentally different ask than three weeks after a nose job. How hard to press, how much is “reasonable” really does vary on these points. Heck whether to stay married could hinge on these points.
DP but even then, docs want you up and on a new hip right away these days. Same for most surgeries. They have found that laying around after surgery is really not good for long term recovery in most cases. And yes, it hurts, but failing to do it can impede the success of the surgery.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:23
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
You might also remind him of times you were there for him, which were not fun, but in a spouse's job description.
Now it is his turn.
I can see why you are hurt.
Now it is his turn.
I can see why you are hurt.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:22
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.
NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?
To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)
I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.
List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.
I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.
Because someone asking more of their spouse three days after a hip replacement is just a fundamentally different ask than three weeks after a nose job. How hard to press, how much is “reasonable” really does vary on these points. Heck whether to stay married could hinge on these points.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:21
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
I am sorry that you are finding out that he is a disappointing partner. Is he selfish in other ways?
I would be surprised if he has been caring and nurturing up to now, and suddenly won't step up to the task. Unless it is hard for him to see you in this state. It would make me sad, and worried about true old age though, if I were you.
You can't really know these things when you are young and life is easy/fun...but love is supposed to be there, in sickness and in health.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Then I might contemplate therapy to work through how he acted and how that made you feel.
I would be surprised if he has been caring and nurturing up to now, and suddenly won't step up to the task. Unless it is hard for him to see you in this state. It would make me sad, and worried about true old age though, if I were you.
You can't really know these things when you are young and life is easy/fun...but love is supposed to be there, in sickness and in health.
I wish you a speedy recovery. Then I might contemplate therapy to work through how he acted and how that made you feel.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:16
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.
NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?
To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)
I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.
List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.
I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.
Look, a lot of people have a very wrong idea of what recovering from surgery looks like. OP seems to be one of those people. As someone who has had 8 surgeries in the last 2 years, I am more realistic.
It doesn’t do OP any good to be waited on hand and foot for weeks after an outpatient procedure.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 14:02
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:You need to do more for yourself. Yes, it will hurt some but that is expected. You sound like you are being too demanding.
NP. What is with you and other posters choosing to bash OP and not address the real question? OP is not here to talk about the surgery, what kind it was, why OP was sent home when OP was sent home, blah blah...OP wants to know what to do re: a spouse who is not willingly or kindly helping and who seems to show no concern in OP's eyes. JFC, this forum is full of "hate the OP" posters, not just on this post but on most posts for a while now. How about answering OP's question as OP asked it and not focusing on details you don't know like how much pain OP is in and whether OP should just tough it out?
To OP, be direct. Very direct. When the kids are settled and not likely to come in and when mom is not around, tell your spouse you need to have a frank and blunt talk, and say that you want to be clear you need more day to day, hands-on assistance than paid caregivers and an elderly mom can provide, but you perceive that spouse is resentful and balky about helping you physically. I'd ask spouse: Is this because you don't like the idea of illness/injury in general? (Some people are just crap whenever others are not physically perfect, frankly, and freak out about injury/illness/surgery. That is NOT an excuse and spouse should suck it up). Or is it because you (spouse) are resentful of my surgery for some reason? (Does spouse feel you "brought this on yourself" or whatever?)
I'd be clear: "I need you to help me X before the paid help gets here. It's too much for mom and the kids should not be doing this" or whatever.
List the tasks you feel you need help with, and also be blunt about how you perceive your spouse is unwilling, and ask why.
I'd also send mom home unless she's there to help with the kids. In fact I'd tell her and spouse that mom is there only for the kids. She's elderly. I bet your spouse is going, "Whew, let MIL deal with this, then." Nope. Nip that.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 13:34
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
The questions other posters are asking about type of surgery and duration of recovery are important. Similarly, your insurance should be covering an aide if it is medically necessary.
If it is medically necessary, and insurance isn’t covering it, appeal to insurance but in the meantime hire someone for additional hours. You can say to your husband you feel like he’s not supportive of your recovery but you cannot force him to want to being you a breakfast tray if that’s not the way he feels. Don’t compromise your recovery waiting for an attentive spouse if you don’t have one.
If it is medically necessary, and insurance isn’t covering it, appeal to insurance but in the meantime hire someone for additional hours. You can say to your husband you feel like he’s not supportive of your recovery but you cannot force him to want to being you a breakfast tray if that’s not the way he feels. Don’t compromise your recovery waiting for an attentive spouse if you don’t have one.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 13:14
Subject: Re:Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Hey Bob, what’s up with the attitude? I hear sighs and see eye rolls when I need help. You seem really annoyed at helping me, your spouse, who at the moment isn’t fully functioning. Am I an inconvenience? What’s going on?”
Be direct or say nothing. You’re tiptoeing around rude behavior.
+1. Read him the riot act.
Piss spouse off, that always works out.
Right now, OP, you are a task/chore. Approach it as you would any other joint chore with your spouse. Set up expectations, be willing to compromise, come up with a plan. Example, "Bob at 10:00 a.m. will you help me get to the living room couch. I'll probably stay there until about noon. We can order in or have lunch delivered, would you like to eat outside? If so what time works for you? After lunch I'll probably take a nap in the bedroom. This evening, we could watch a movie together or I could work on a puzzle by myself. I'll need some help brushing my teeth and getting changed. Would it be easier to do before or after movie/puzzle time ?"
How is being direct about it “pissing him off? ” He’s already acting like he’s pissed off. He’s just not be direct about why. That’s not okay. You’re suggesting that the OP tiptoe around this and figure out ways to manage him rather than holding him accountable to communicate like an adult. He’s acting like he’s inconvenienced, but not saying anything. Like we teach kids: Use your words.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 12:19
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
Your husband is being a jerk. I agree with the other PP to just be direct about it. No need to grovel. Easier said than done I know, but you have to let him know you don’t like the way he’s treating you and see what’s behind it.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 11:58
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
This is very typical for men. Part of it is innate and the other part is that they simply aren’t expected to put others first. So when they are asked to actually help and put someone first it’s a huge change and they are majorly put out.
Good luck. I’d tell him how he’s acting and remind him he’s of the gender more likely to get sick and die first. Meaning he will likely be relying on you to care for him in the future. Would be wise for him to get with the program now.
Good luck. I’d tell him how he’s acting and remind him he’s of the gender more likely to get sick and die first. Meaning he will likely be relying on you to care for him in the future. Would be wise for him to get with the program now.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 11:55
Subject: Unsupportive spouse health issue
I’m sure there is something else he would prefer you massage.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 11:50
Subject: Re:Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Hey Bob, what’s up with the attitude? I hear sighs and see eye rolls when I need help. You seem really annoyed at helping me, your spouse, who at the moment isn’t fully functioning. Am I an inconvenience? What’s going on?”
Be direct or say nothing. You’re tiptoeing around rude behavior.
+1. Read him the riot act.
Piss spouse off, that always works out.
Right now, OP, you are a task/chore. Approach it as you would any other joint chore with your spouse. Set up expectations, be willing to compromise, come up with a plan. Example, "Bob at 10:00 a.m. will you help me get to the living room couch. I'll probably stay there until about noon. We can order in or have lunch delivered, would you like to eat outside? If so what time works for you? After lunch I'll probably take a nap in the bedroom. This evening, we could watch a movie together or I could work on a puzzle by myself. I'll need some help brushing my teeth and getting changed. Would it be easier to do before or after movie/puzzle time ?"
Anonymous
06/11/2023 11:40
Subject: Re:Unsupportive spouse health issue
Anonymous wrote:“Hey Bob, what’s up with the attitude? I hear sighs and see eye rolls when I need help. You seem really annoyed at helping me, your spouse, who at the moment isn’t fully functioning. Am I an inconvenience? What’s going on?”
Be direct or say nothing. You’re tiptoeing around rude behavior.
+1. Read him the riot act.
Anonymous
06/11/2023 11:12
Subject: Re:Unsupportive spouse health issue
If you get an OT or PT eval and the result is that you are not independent, your insurer should be paying for services.