Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Anonymous wrote:So apologize. See where that gets you. Then assess. It’s ok to tell her she pushed you until you had to fight back, and you are sorry. Are you sorry, OP?

+1

OP you may feel you were justified or right but where does that get you? Is repairing the relationship important to you?

She is perpetually angry. It’s not just directed at me, but when she unleashes it’s hard not to want to lash out back. She loses friends. She goes through relationships.

If you ask her she would say we were controlling because we didn’t allow them to do whatever they wanted as children. They had to check in to tell us where they were. We checked in with parents to make sure they were there. We required them to do their homework before watching TV etc.

My other children do not seem to have these issues with us thinking we are horrible parents.

I do think there is something wrong with her but she is 22 and she has to want to seek help.

I don't think this is an awful thing to say.

I think I had grown out of the dramatic fighting with mom phase by that age but we did have a nasty back-and-forth combative relationship from when I was ~14-19. We are really close now and I hold no grudges. Every time she snapped at me I really had it coming.

So apologize. See where that gets you. Then assess. It’s ok to tell her she pushed you until you had to fight back, and you are sorry. Are you sorry, OP?

Something missing from the OP’s story. We need more information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

This. Parents are allowed to be human and snap back when their children berate them.

Children are allowed to be human and snap back when their parents berate them.

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

This. Parents are allowed to be human and snap back when their children berate them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

Not if your mom is a psycho… it’s just when she has the freedom to speak her mind. Before she was trapped by finances.

Now she can stand up for herself.

Who wants to disown a 22 yo? I’ll tell you who, a psycho.

Exactly.

“But I gave her such a good childhood” 😳🙄

Flute lessons and all!

Most parents are as flawed as rest of the humans, only with more responsibilities, fears and delusion of knowing better.

Most children are as flawed as rest of the humans, only less gratitude, less wisdom and more judgment.

I doubt most people would dare be half as shitty to someone else who did even 10% of what their parents did for them.

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

I kind of thought you were going to offer up something truly horrible, but really, what is so wrong here? Why is it open season on you and she takes no accountability?

I think the adult children should just f- off after their college tuitions are paid. They don't need their parents anymore. They should own their life instead of blaming other people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

Not if your mom is a psycho… it’s just when she has the freedom to speak her mind. Before she was trapped by finances.

Now she can stand up for herself.

Who wants to disown a 22 yo? I’ll tell you who, a psycho.

Exactly.

“But I gave her such a good childhood” 😳🙄

Anonymous wrote:This is teen behavior, 22 is too old for this.

Not if the parents are controlling.

It may be about you, it may not.

I had a good upbringing. It wasn’t perfect, but on balance, it was better than most people’s. I had to learn that and it took some maturity. This is not likely to be your relationship forever, but get some distance for a while.

I pulled a lot of crap like this on my parents in my 20s. I was 1., depressed, 2., an alcoholic. I got sober at 28, treated my depression with therapy and meds. Improved all my relationships and the rest of my life.

My parents were kind to me throughout these changes.