OP- my kid said the same around the same age and for the most part, we did what you proposed - we stopped changing his sheets and stopped cleaning his room and we didn't go into his room. He felt very strongly about privacy and we basically let him do it. We told him it was our house and of course if he violates our rules we would come in, but he really didn't. He kept his door closed so we wouldn't be snooping and so the dog would stay out.

For the middle school years, he was a slob and left his clothes on the floor, didn't do a lot of laundry, was a mess. He often couldn't find things.

But the summer before high school he asked for help and even though I didn't go in his room, I gave him bags and bins and he started to clean out his room. On his own, with his own ideas. He started doing the sheets and getting organized, on his own.

He is now a successful college student with good grades and good housekeeping abilities. He is neat and organized, though he is still has too much stuff.

Anyway, it worked for him - he wanted control over his own space and we let him and I think that really helped him learn what he wanted.

Again, we did sometimes go in his room when he was in school to make sure all ok, but not often and once we realized it was fine, we pretty much let him what his own thing in there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever found something in his room that you didn't like? If so, how did you respond?

No. I’ve found messes/dirty clothes he needed to clean/put away, laptops he was hiding, that’s it.

What? Where is he getting multiple laptops to hide?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His room, he is entitled to privacy

So you’re saying that a parent is never allowed in the room of an 11 year old unless they have his explicit permission. Is that correct?

OP. He’s 12 just so you know.

Doesn’t matter. 11, 12, or 17. Stop being ridiculous, OP. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms of entry in YOUR house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tween boy. I’m happy to knock if the door is closed and I announce myself if it’s not. That’s as good as it’s going to get at our house. A tween/teen doesn’t get to tell me what I’m “not allowed to do.”

That would be correct.

This. I knock and ask to come in and wait till he says yes just as he does when my door is closed. But he knows it’s a courtesy on my part for him to have a chance to get himself together because I am coming in. And of course I am in and out while he’s not home.

And you all threatening to take away the house cleaners are hilarious. Kids should clean their own rooms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His room, he is entitled to privacy

So you’re saying that a parent is never allowed in the room of an 11 year old unless they have his explicit permission. Is that correct?

OP. He’s 12 just so you know.

Anonymous wrote:His room, he is entitled to privacy

So you’re saying that a parent is never allowed in the room of an 11 year old unless they have his explicit permission. Is that correct?

His room, he is entitled to privacy

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever found something in his room that you didn't like? If so, how did you respond?

No. I’ve found messes/dirty clothes he needed to clean/put away, laptops he was hiding, that’s it.

Mine recently "decided" the same thing and put up a "do not enter" sign. Also asked if the housecleaners could skip their room. I said it was my house so I could still come in but that we would knock before entering. I also agreed to a month-long trial for them to clean their own room after straightening it up if they didn't want the biweekly housecleaners to come in. I did the white glove test and made them re mop the hardwood floor and redust and wash all the bedding themselves since the bed wasn't stripped and it wasn't ready on regular wash day.

They are going back to allowing the housecleaners in their room next month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a negotiation. He can keep you out of his room when he moves out of your house and pays his own rent/mortgage. Why are you putting up with this from a child?

Great way to alienate them when they’re 20. Are you going to check their phones at that age, too?

You must be really confused if you can't tell the difference between a tween and a 20 year old.

OP have you ever found something in his room that you didn't like? If so, how did you respond?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a negotiation. He can keep you out of his room when he moves out of your house and pays his own rent/mortgage. Why are you putting up with this from a child?

Great way to alienate them when they’re 20. Are you going to check their phones at that age, too?

At 20 they better be living on a college campus or I'll be wondering where it all went wrong. It will probably date back to the time an 11 year old told me I didn't have permission to enter his room and I complied with such an outrageous demand.

Kids come home for breaks in college. Well, not your kid.

I would just laugh and tell my kids that the door would just come off.

Anonymous wrote:Suddenly tween son thinks I’m not allowed in his room and have to ask permission to enter even when he’s not there. I don’t recall ever doing this to my mom and this seems not okay to me. I’m fine with knowing if he’s inside and w not going through his stuff, but not entering?

I told him if he wants that then he has to do the things associated w having a space & for which people currently enter: making bed, changing sheets, keeping clean, folding and putting away clean laundry, packing & unpacking suitcases, etc.

So many things wrong with this. First, that you let him think there are conditions under which you will agree you need permission to enter a room in your house; second, that the the things you are going in there for are things he should be doing himself in the first place (and not to earn the right to keep you out.)

Anonymous wrote:I have a tween boy. I’m happy to knock if the door is closed and I announce myself if it’s not. That’s as good as it’s going to get at our house. A tween/teen doesn’t get to tell me what I’m “not allowed to do.”

This - as I'm pretty sure he doesn't want you walking in on what he might be doing alone.