Anonymous
06/07/2023 22:01
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
Anonymous wrote:OP you seem like the unreasonable one here.
What you do is you call or email Pete, you ask how he’s doing. You say your DH has a relative Joe with the thing now. Are there any resources you should tell Joe about? Would Pete be willing to talk to him if he’s interested?
Most likely outcome is Pete says yes and gives you a link to some thing. You send the link to Joe with Pete’s contact and say to reach out to Pete if interested. Joe never does.
The end, everyone is happy. This is just being a human.
There is no reason for the OP to bother Pete if Joe is not even interested in connecting. I would be annoyed if someone asked me to talk to their friend about my illness, I took the time to send them info, and then the friend ghosted me.
The ball is in Joe's court. If Joe says he would like to talk to Pete, then OP can reach out. Otherwise, there is nothing for OP to do here.
Anonymous
06/07/2023 04:27
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
Anonymous wrote:He sounds anxious. Possibly 'trying to do the right thing' to overcompensate for not being close.
Not all ill/dying people want to hang out/care n share. Dumb idea unless Joe actually wants this.
Keep reminding him that neither family member is close to either of you and this would be an overstep. Tell him so cook some damn casseroles and take them over, rather than overcommit your/Pete's ass.
+1
Anxious people pleaser/over compensators often come up with these ideas that totally lack any kind of logic but are so caught up in the people pleasing aspect they can’t stop and think things through.
Joe is an adult and is capable of looking for support if and when he wants it. He can google, he can ask his doctor for support groups or other patients, he might already have a therapist. Your DH can’t save Joe or make Joe better and Joe never asked him to do so. Joe may already have supports but may not want to discuss them with your DH.
Find a new therapist bc yours should have already picked up on this behavior AND should have recommended your DH see a psychiatrist for meds for the anxiety.
Anonymous
06/07/2023 02:46
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
He sounds anxious. Possibly 'trying to do the right thing' to overcompensate for not being close.
Not all ill/dying people want to hang out/care n share. Dumb idea unless Joe actually wants this.
Keep reminding him that neither family member is close to either of you and this would be an overstep. Tell him so cook some damn casseroles and take them over, rather than overcommit your/Pete's ass.
Not all ill/dying people want to hang out/care n share. Dumb idea unless Joe actually wants this.
Keep reminding him that neither family member is close to either of you and this would be an overstep. Tell him so cook some damn casseroles and take them over, rather than overcommit your/Pete's ass.
Anonymous
06/03/2023 12:23
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
OP you seem like the unreasonable one here.
What you do is you call or email Pete, you ask how he’s doing. You say your DH has a relative Joe with the thing now. Are there any resources you should tell Joe about? Would Pete be willing to talk to him if he’s interested?
Most likely outcome is Pete says yes and gives you a link to some thing. You send the link to Joe with Pete’s contact and say to reach out to Pete if interested. Joe never does.
The end, everyone is happy. This is just being a human.
What you do is you call or email Pete, you ask how he’s doing. You say your DH has a relative Joe with the thing now. Are there any resources you should tell Joe about? Would Pete be willing to talk to him if he’s interested?
Most likely outcome is Pete says yes and gives you a link to some thing. You send the link to Joe with Pete’s contact and say to reach out to Pete if interested. Joe never does.
The end, everyone is happy. This is just being a human.
Anonymous
06/03/2023 12:17
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
Anonymous wrote:My husband found out a family member (Joe) (not super close) has a rare illness. The family member was the one to tell him at a family event. I have a family member (Pete) (not close) that also has a similar illness (may or may not be the same).
DH asked me if Pete would be willing to talk to Joe about what he has been through. My husband told Joe about Pete, but Joe did not ask to connect. I said I'm sure Pete would be willing to talk to him if he has questions.
So now DH wants me to call Pete and ask if he would be ok to talk with Joe. I told him that why ask anyone if Joe isn't uninterested.
My husband being a defensive child got upset that I wasn't jumping on board with trying to connect these 2 strangers.
Yes - my husband can be a jerk and he is always doing odd things like this and pulling me into the middle and wanting me to execute his ideas. We are in therapy...but in the meantime, how can I get him off my back. And the therapst wont diagnose so what do you call someone who acts this way?
I agree with your husband. Check with Pete if he’s open. Maybe Joe is still in shock and denial.
All you have to do is check. You’re just being kind by doing so.
Anonymous
06/03/2023 10:02
Subject: DH pulling me into the middle and expecting me to implement his ideas
Your husband is trying to be nice. He’s not a jerk; or at least, not in this interaction. Tell him you aren’t comfortable with asking Pete to do this. Apologize for giving him the impression you thought it would be fine (which was your mistake, OP, what were you thinking?). And move on. Hopefully stay in therapy. Your husband sounds like a well-meaning but overreaching person and you sound kind of mean.