Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.

I think you're proving our point. "Bad parents" are just insecure. They don't listen to their intuition or don't trust it enough to pay it any attention. So they flail, they spin. They look for answers from anyone and everyone, which makes them flail and spin even more. There's a lot of bad advice out there. They'd probably do best with something to help their anxiety. Most people do, in fact, just know what to do if they have the confidence to trust themselves. There's no magic formula to raising kids. It's just a bond forming between you and your child, and it will lead your gut to help you know what they need.

You and I are talking about two different kinds of parent. I'm talking about the kind of parent who is very secure in the rightness of a parenting practice that is, in fact, wrong. Think of the mom who gives her kids a punishment before her kids have the capacity to understand cause and effect, or the dad who tells his 5-year old he has to be a man and that means not crying. They have confidence, they trust themselves, and yet a 20-year old who has a solid knowledge of human development can correctly identify these parenting practices as misguided.

I'm not saying my kids are perfect or I'm a perfect mother, but my older son just turned 4 and I'm suddenly starting to see some of the fruits of my labor. So I would say:

1. Positive reinforcement works better than negative.
2. Redirection for bad behavior when they're young works better than escalation -- the latter only makes them tantrum harder.
3. Structure, structure, structure. We sit down for family dinner several nights a week. It's often a shit show. It often lasts about 4 minutes total. But slowly but surely, I can see it's paid off and both my sons know how to sit through a meal with age appropriate manners. My older son says we need to say the blessing if we're out to dinner, showing me it's sunk in that that's what you do before you eat. Things like that.
4. Constant, neutral reminding about verbal manners. Ex:
Toddler: Give me an apple
Me: Mommy, may I please have an apple?
Toddler: Mommy, may I please have an apple?
All of a sudden, he's doing this unprompted...!
5. When in doubt, there's a book for that (or Daniel Tiger or Sesame Street episode). Manners, potty training, behavioral stuff, whatever. Bearenstein Bears are good for that.
6. Limit screens, but I don't see an issue with watching a few episodes of cute shows once a day or a few times a week. I think there's a difference between putting a show on the family TV on the wall vs. sticking an iPad or phone 2 inches from their faces at a restaurant (or anywhere).
7. Healthy food. My kids are so annoying when they've had sugar.
8. Healthy sleep habits and routine around bedtime.
9. Give your kids attention when they need it, i.e. they fell down and hurt themselves and need a hug or want praise for trying a new thing. This gives them self esteem and fulfillment.
10. I try to say "I bet you're so proud of yourself!" or "You can do it -- and you'll be so proud of yourself and so happy inside!" rather than only saying I'm proud of you. I don't want people pleasers (like I was raised to be).

There's more I'm sure. But those are a few.

Pick your battles..but always win the battles you pick.

Start watching wwe or other wrestling shows regularly to learn new takedown moves to protect yourself and to take them down to size when they get out of control

1. Throw all the books into the recycling and never buy another.

2. Naturally quiet and passive children are born that way, and it's due to inherited personality traits that the parents likely have as well. We are all like this to some degree in the family.

3. If you have a feisty kid, you will need to do extra parenting, arm yourself with more patience, and accept smaller results over a longer period of time. That's OK, and not a reflection of your parenting skills!

4. If you believe your kid's behaviors are truly out of the range of normal for their age, do not hesitate in getting them evaluated by a psychologist for ADHD, ASD, or whatever else you believe they might have. Early intervention helps a lot. Also be aware that teachers cannot actually come out and pronounce these words. They will couch it in "attention issues", "speaks out of turn" , "needs repeated directions", "has emotional outbursts", etc...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.

The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.

Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.

PP who believes #1. I am definitely a parent, and some of the best parenting advice I have received came from 1) DD's childless therapist and 2) a friend who has many years of experience as a nanny. Their advice has been invaluable, and much than the advice I've received from some parents who have good kids. I'm not saying that you should thoughtlessly accept advice from anybody, but rather that you shouldn't write off advice just because that person doesn't have kids.

+1 I'm also a parent and definitely agree that childless adults may have good advice, just like parents may have bad advice. They have life experiences and insights to draw upon that are still relevant even if they haven't been in your shoes.

Don’t try to reason with a child who is highly emotional. You need to do that when they’re calm. They can’t hear and process anything you’re saying in the middle of a meltdown. Give them an appropriate way to express their anger/frustration/fear, and a safe space to calm down. No matter how upset you are, you need to project calmness and be the safe harbor during the storm. If you need a timeout for yourself in order to do so, take one.

Anonymous wrote:The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.

I absolutely agree with this. Different kids (and different parents!) well find different approaches effective. Do what works best for your family.

And also: little kids will listen and model. Demonstrate the behaviors and speech and habits you want them to pick up consistently.

Anonymous wrote:For those who disagree that parenting is not intuitive: please think of parents who are bad. We all know them. They think they're doing the right thing but they aren't. Maybe it felt intuitive for you but we do not know the right things to do with toddlers jus because we birthed a child.

I think you're proving our point. "Bad parents" are just insecure. They don't listen to their intuition or don't trust it enough to pay it any attention. So they flail, they spin. They look for answers from anyone and everyone, which makes them flail and spin even more. There's a lot of bad advice out there. They'd probably do best with something to help their anxiety. Most people do, in fact, just know what to do if they have the confidence to trust themselves. There's no magic formula to raising kids. It's just a bond forming between you and your child, and it will lead your gut to help you know what they need.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hold the line. Kids enjoy boundaries and rules; it makes them feel safe. When there is a boundary or a rule, make sure you enforce it and don't be wishy washy about it. If you say that you will leave the playground if your kids push each other, then leave the playground when it happens. Sometimes it's hard as a parent (like leaving restaurants or leaving your own friends' houses), but if you don't do it behavior won't improve. I have so much fun with my kids, but they know I mean what I say.

I totally agree with this. There is nothing wrong with calling your kids out when they’re wrong. That’s how they learn. Looking back, I think it’s also important for them to learn about disappointment and not getting their way in every situation. They learn resilience and respect and empathy for others.

+1

Having older kids and younger kids now, I see many, many older children who seemed to never learn resilience. Their parents did them no favors. Learning resilience is crucial.

Routine, structure, immediate consequences, praise.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.

The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.

Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.

PP who believes #1. I am definitely a parent, and some of the best parenting advice I have received came from 1) DD's childless therapist and 2) a friend who has many years of experience as a nanny. Their advice has been invaluable, and much than the advice I've received from some parents who have good kids. I'm not saying that you should thoughtlessly accept advice from anybody, but rather that you shouldn't write off advice just because that person doesn't have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the best advice I got was 1) parenting is not intuitive and a non-parent can often have better advice than a parent, and 2) more often than not, there is not a direct causation between a parent's parenting style and a child's behavior.

The only people who believe #1 are non-parents who just know they will be the bestest parents in the world.

Yes omg I hate advice from non-parents. The cluelessness is absurd.

The best advice I ever received was to help my kids learn how to entertain themselves / learn to be bored. When they reach a certain age where I can leave them alone for small stretches, 1/3 of playtime they can play completely by themselves, 1/3 of the time I can be in the same room while they're playing and occasionally interact, 1/3 of the time I'm actively playing with them and really focusing on QT. My kids never look to me / screens as their source of entertainment.

The best parenting advice I've ever received, and which I remind myself often, is: parent the child you have.

It works for all ages. People will try to sell you on parenting approaches that worked for their kids, or that they heard are the "best" way to parent. And you will try that stuff and feel like a failure when it doesn't work for your kid. But not everything works for all kids.

Example:

One of my kids is highly sensitive. To everything -- strong smells, loud noises, strong emotions. She is just more reactive to her surroundings and less "go with the flow" than the other kid. If I parented them in the exact same way, she'd be really anxious and difficult because when she feels overwhelmed by her surroundings (which happens easily) she becomes highly rigid and controlling. So something that might work with my older kid, like setting a timer for getting ready in the morning, will simply stress her out and make it harder to get out the door. I have to approach it differently.

So when a parenting approach makes sense and works for you, great! You found the right approach for your kid, whether it came to you naturally or you got it from a book or whatever. But if something you do doesn't work, no matter why you did it, just accept "ok, this is not right for this kid, let me think about what will work better." THAT is what makes for a good parent -- the ability to adjust, to stop doing things that aren't working for your family, and to get creative and come up with solutions that do work even if it's not what everyone else does.

Never trust anyone who thinks they know the "one, correct way" to parent. They are myopic and simply don't have enough experience with different kinds of kids.