"You grumble about this every time. I totally hear you. But you will wind up with a child who thinks you're a killjoy if you go on and on about this. I've heard you, so don't need to hear it over and over. Just accept our kids are going to be involved in stupid things, and be good natured about it."

“I’m not in charge of that.”

My dad made it very clear that if it wasn’t sports, he wasn’t showing up. NHS, dance, chorus, orchestra, piano recitals…

It sucks as a child, and yes, his inability to sit through something he wasn’t interested in affects our relationship all these years later.

Anonymous wrote:… Other than “get over yourself”?

Every time one of our kids has an event he doesn’t agree with—primarily school send-off “graduations” and “participation” trophies—he makes a big deal about how stupid they are. When our oldest was in Preschool and then again in K he made a big deal about how you “don’t graduate preschool/K”. DC was too young at the time to pickup on it. Because of COVID, our youngest missed this experience. But now oldest is moving on to middle school and will have a “send off” ceremony, and then a few days later, a “clap out”. DC is really excited about it and expects her father to be there. I already told him about the ceremony, and he had a fit (it’s a secret event so DC didn’t hear.) I want to quell him in a more mature way than by saying, “Grow up!” Any advice?

That he is jaded but your child is not. These are stepping stones for them and you dont have to encourage but you can be supportive.

Does he remember the feeling of looking out and seeing his parents in the audience? How it made him feel? For me, I was always a little embarrassed but not as embarrassed as having no one when everyone else had family around. There should be more of those versus the events you cant make it to.

I find that there are some people who just need to complain about something. They feel strongly about this or that and need to externalize it. I don’t bother arguing whether their opinion is valid or not. I just respond back with a paraphrase and a question about what they want to see happen. I use a sincere, calm and respectful tone.

“So you feel that it’s unfair that your company is making you redo the widget report. That sounds really frustrating. What do you think you want to do about it?”

“It sounds like you’re tired of Bob always parking on our side of the street. You think he should park next to his own driveway. What do you want to do about it?”

“Wow. You seem really bothered by that Megan Markle. It bothers you that she married Harry and convinced him to leave England. What do you think you might do to manage your frustration?”

Go and support her. Over time she will realize her dad couldn’t bother to be there and she can decide what to do with that info.

If I was you, I would tell my husband to stop being so self-centered. If he had a work commitment or other legit conflict, that would be a valid excuse. If your school has way too many of these things, then it’s understandable he won’t make it to ALL of them. However, so much of parenting is doing dumb and boring stuff because it brings your child joy and pride. I don’t go to Paw Patrol Live or volunteer for 4 hours at a swim meet when my kid swims for 30 seconds because I actually enjoy those things. I do it because I love my kids.

I ran track in middle school and HS. 6 years total. I ran the mile and 2 mile, sometimes the 4x800 relay. Those are the first, middle, and 2nd to last events. My parents spent countless hours, pre-smart phones, watching me run for a few minutes. Neither of my parents are runners. They are avid golfers and gardeners. I am sure they had better and more interesting things to do with their spring evenings, but one of them was always there and they never made me feel like it was a burden or that they were giving up their preferred activities to do something mind numbingly boring for my benefit.

Maybe the celebrations are over the top, but what are your choices? Keep your child home that day? Tell your Eyore DH that he isn't invited. Any further more, hearing about his weekend golf game isn't the highlight of my day either. I guess he is a half empty kind of guy.

Anonymous wrote:Wait, you're expected to be there for the send off AND the clap out?

At our school, there is no expectation to be at the clap out but a lot of the parents go. Its really more for the younger kids to cheer them out but a lot parents go and stand together at the very end. It's actually really fun and take like 15 minutes total. Way more fun than the ceremony.

Wait, you're expected to be there for the send off AND the clap out?

Personally, I'd tell him to STFU and that's he's going. But my DH would never skip an event that is that important to our children. He's been to every promotion ceremony, clap-out, donuts with dads, chaperones field trips--he probably goes to more of these events than I do since his schedule is more flexible.

I love that the kids get celebrated at events like this. And it only happens maybe 3-4 times in their lives? If he can't give up what probably amounts to 12 hours over their entire childhood, that is really sad.

Dh and I roll our eyes at these things too. I'd just hum a non committal noise at him and then move on. It doesn't like he's saying this stuff around your kid and that's the only thing that would make me mad. I don't care if DH thinks an 8th grade graduation is ridiculous and he can say so. But I'd be annoyed if he told DS it was stupid and not a big deal.

I tend to make a joke out of it: "Don't be triggered, but there's going to be a clap out ceremony at school next week."

My DH doesn't grouse (which I admit would be annoying) but he's attended very, very few school events over the years. However, he's very involved in the kids' sports, so it works out.

If you want specifically less attitude, I would again just joke about drama or whatever, so he would feel silly launching into that whole speech.

INFO: is he engaged in his child's life, but not engaged in the institutional forced fun events for the teachers at school? If so, "get over yourself", tell him you qoong and don't bug him about it. Let him be a parent and you be a different parent. The "two parent household" doesn't mean two clones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:… Other than “get over yourself”?

Every time one of our kids has an event he doesn’t agree with—primarily school send-off “graduations” and “participation” trophies—he makes a big deal about how stupid they are. When our oldest was in Preschool and then again in K he made a big deal about how you “don’t graduate preschool/K”. DC was too young at the time to pickup on it. Because of COVID, our youngest missed this experience. But now oldest is moving on to middle school and will have a “send off” ceremony, and then a few days later, a “clap out”. DC is really excited about it and expects her father to be there. I already told him about the ceremony, and he had a fit (it’s a secret event so DC didn’t hear.) I want to quell him in a more mature way than by saying, “Grow up!” Any advice?

Any "graduation" other than high school and college is ludicrous and so are "send offs" or 'clap out." But, your DH shouldn't rain on their parade. If he doesn't care enough to be excited for his child, (no matter how ridiculous he thinks the occasion) then you picked the wrong man to be the father of your children

I mean, even celebrating HS graduation is a bit ludicrous. I mean, what loser doesn’t graduate high school? It’s not a feat, it’s completely expected, typical and normal, and in all honesty, not any different than completing any of the grades before 12th.

Anonymous wrote:… Other than “get over yourself”?

Every time one of our kids has an event he doesn’t agree with—primarily school send-off “graduations” and “participation” trophies—he makes a big deal about how stupid they are. When our oldest was in Preschool and then again in K he made a big deal about how you “don’t graduate preschool/K”. DC was too young at the time to pickup on it. Because of COVID, our youngest missed this experience. But now oldest is moving on to middle school and will have a “send off” ceremony, and then a few days later, a “clap out”. DC is really excited about it and expects her father to be there. I already told him about the ceremony, and he had a fit (it’s a secret event so DC didn’t hear.) I want to quell him in a more mature way than by saying, “Grow up!” Any advice?

Any "graduation" other than high school and college is ludicrous and so are "send offs" or 'clap out." But, your DH shouldn't rain on their parade. If he doesn't care enough to be excited for his child, (no matter how ridiculous he thinks the occasion) then you picked the wrong man to be the father of your children