Did you check in with the parents of his friend?

Midnight here but I’d say for you once you decide to allow sleepovers you always check in with the parents of the sleepover house first.

Address the lying by taking away privileges and freedom.
In our house we don't have a set curfew. Each time we agree on a reasonable time to come home depending on where he is and what he is doing. This requires honest communications -- no room for lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you do as a kid? I did lie to my parents about that sort of thing and they couldn’t track me.

I hear what the kids do these days is get a burner phone and leave their “real” phone the place they say they will be to you. That’s what I think he will do next time.

I never lied to my parents about where I was going and they knew my friends. I realize I might be the exception. I have three goals here:

1) keep him alive/uninjured (we know several kids killed in drunk/drugged driving incidents)
2) have him injure no one (we also know a kid who is now in jail for killing two friends while drunk driving)
3) have him truly understand that with increasing independence comes increasing responsibility. I know we will have to go through these incidents, but I want him to learn to use better judgement before he's out on his own in college.

These are all excellent goals. I would not worry so much about the curfew or attending these parties, as long as you pick him up OR you wait up for him if he has an approved ride home. I do think you need to keep a careful eye out for excessive drinking, it's normal that he would try alcohol, but binge drinking at a young age is a sign of trouble and an indicator of future problems with alcohol. (He's also young enough that he needs to learn how to navigate parties without drinking, it's a crucial social skill!)

Anonymous wrote:What did you do as a kid? I did lie to my parents about that sort of thing and they couldn’t track me.

I hear what the kids do these days is get a burner phone and leave their “real” phone the place they say they will be to you. That’s what I think he will do next time.

I never lied to my parents about where I was going and they knew my friends. I realize I might be the exception. I have three goals here:

1) keep him alive/uninjured (we know several kids killed in drunk/drugged driving incidents)
2) have him injure no one (we also know a kid who is now in jail for killing two friends while drunk driving)
3) have him truly understand that with increasing independence comes increasing responsibility. I know we will have to go through these incidents, but I want him to learn to use better judgement before he's out on his own in college.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little confused and I'm asking these questions to just understand.

When he slept over did you expect him to stick to the midnight curfew? or is he under the rules of the house he is staying?

If he came home at midnight but went to a drinking party would he be grounded?

So he never went to the house he was "sleeping at"? he pulled an all nighter at the party house?

It's going to be a long summer if you start out with a battle, obviously he is grounded but I would not address it with the expectation that there are graduating punishments. I've been there when I can't find my kid for 2 hours and once he was in the basement but his phone was at his friends. (They are walking distance and I did not realize he came home) and I was freaking out.

He was at his friend's house all day.

Around 9 or so they went to the other house for a party. He stayed over at the party house. In the past, he would text me and tell me he was moving locations. He didn't do that this time.

I expect parties to have drugs and alcohol. We've discussed this ad nauseum and he knows I don't want him to drink/smoke (but I'm also not stupid), and he's not to drive or ride with someone, because he won't know if they are sober. That's why he spent the night where he was (a good decision, although he could have called me. He knows he can always call me).

He gets no more overnights, and he understands. We've been talking a lot, and he has some regrets. We'd talked them through and gone over how he can avoid certain things in the future. And I have praised him where he made good choices, like not getting into a car.

Usually midnight unless it's for something specific like a concert or movie.

The county we live in has a strict midnight curfew, even during the summer, unless the minor can prove they are coming home from work.