Anonymous wrote:My ex is really aggressive about a certain activity. Our child enjoys the activity but not at the same level as his dad. I have discovered he will tell his dad the things his dad wants to hear, to keep the peace, but tell me something completely different.

So he tells his dad he absolutely loves this activity and is heartbroken if I can’t him, due to plans I’ve made for my parenting time. When he’s with me, he asks if he can skip that activity when I’m trying to get him off to it.

Is it at all possible that you are pushing swimming, and your kids want to make you happy?

This is interesting. Have you told dad he tries to skip when with you? Does he know what’s going on?

Anonymous wrote:You’ve done all that you can, OP. If this is important to your son, he needs to be the one pleading his case. If dad still won’t give in, dad will have to live with the consequences of son’s resentment. It’s sad that dad doesn’t understand that parenting is just as much about fitting yourself into your children’s lives as it is about fitting them into your life.

Thanks for this. I agree that he needs to be able to speak up to his dad. He tells me he’s afraid to upset him or make him feel bad. Meaning he’s afraid to tell him he’d rather do his own things on Dad’s time and not spend the entire weekend away from his friends and activities. I’ve told him that it’s important to be considerate but he’s not responsible for his Dad’s feelings.

Anonymous wrote:My ex is really aggressive about a certain activity. Our child enjoys the activity but not at the same level as his dad. I have discovered he will tell his dad the things his dad wants to hear, to keep the peace, but tell me something completely different.

So he tells his dad he absolutely loves this activity and is heartbroken if I can’t him, due to plans I’ve made for my parenting time. When he’s with me, he asks if he can skip that activity when I’m trying to get him off to it.

Is it at all possible that you are pushing swimming, and your kids want to make you happy?

We were both supportive of swimming when we were married so I don’t think it’s about this. I would be shocked if my child felt like I was pushing them to do something they don’t really want to do but I suppose it’s a possibility. Dc12 is the one who came to me about adding another day. As I’ve said, I would be fine with him skipping Friday or Saturday every other week. It’s the team that requires it.

Honestly, I think a lot of it comes down to him paying me child support. He is trying to exert control wherever he can bc he has no control over the fact that he has to pay me every month and it kills him. He is obsessed with work and money. I pay for all activities as it is, and have never asked him to contribute beyond the support he pays, even though our agreement says he should.

Anonymous wrote:
Does your husband realize that he's on course to alienate DS12 in short order and DS10 shortly thereafter if he doesn't allow them to purse activities and opportunities that they are eager to do? At this rate, he'll be due for some big time resentment in the not too distant future.

When kids are young, there is more of a parental focus but that all changes as they get older and I don't think your husband realizes how this all manifests itself.

It seems as though you are trying every possible way to make this work but what may need to happen is that your son may have to get "short-changed" which will allow for the resentment of DS12 toward your ex and then he'll have to deal with the fallout.

I have told him as much. He doesn’t accept my opinion on anything. Never has.

Anonymous wrote:Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

OP here. I agree this would be logical. He doesn’t want to give up time with either kid. He also wants activity free time. It’s frustrating. I offered the Sunday evening in place of Tuesday night or friday activities. So he could wait until practice is over Friday and also keep them until Monday morning. His issue with Friday is he doesn’t want to sit in more traffic and apparently 30 minutes makes a difference.

My ex is really aggressive about a certain activity. Our child enjoys the activity but not at the same level as his dad. I have discovered he will tell his dad the things his dad wants to hear, to keep the peace, but tell me something completely different.

So he tells his dad he absolutely loves this activity and is heartbroken if I can’t him, due to plans I’ve made for my parenting time. When he’s with me, he asks if he can skip that activity when I’m trying to get him off to it.

Is it at all possible that you are pushing swimming, and your kids want to make you happy?

You’ve done all that you can, OP. If this is important to your son, he needs to be the one pleading his case. If dad still won’t give in, dad will have to live with the consequences of son’s resentment. It’s sad that dad doesn’t understand that parenting is just as much about fitting yourself into your children’s lives as it is about fitting them into your life.

Divorce is expensive. He probably feels the pinch of child support on his budget. Anyway for the current wife to be an ally. Once they have kids, your exDH may not care about time with his older kids as much, maybe that will help.

It sounds like he is still holding a grudge. Is there a valid reason for this?

Could your 12 year old not tell your DH to piss off? I know children are supposed to be respectful and all, but a 12 year old should have a say in his how he spends his evenings if he can find transportation. I would have given my dad hell until he changed his mind.

That weeknight schedule sounds terrible for the kids. My parents split when I was a teen and I didn’t stay at my Dad’s place on weeknights because it was inconvenient (my younger sister did stay over).

Would he switch to weds instead of tuesdays?

Then swim could be Tues Thurs Sat?

Does your husband realize that he's on course to alienate DS12 in short order and DS10 shortly thereafter if he doesn't allow them to purse activities and opportunities that they are eager to do? At this rate, he'll be due for some big time resentment in the not too distant future.

When kids are young, there is more of a parental focus but that all changes as they get older and I don't think your husband realizes how this all manifests itself.

It seems as though you are trying every possible way to make this work but what may need to happen is that your son may have to get "short-changed" which will allow for the resentment of DS12 toward your ex and then he'll have to deal with the fallout.

Instead of sitting in traffic for an hour, why not attend a sports practice for one kid while hanging out, talking with the other kid?

They would have less traffic and kids would get to have activities. If all they do is drive an hour and sleep on Tuesday night, why doesn’t he just take the kids to activities and dinner Tuesday night and let them sleep in their own beds?

He could also get them Friday after activities and keep them until Monday morning - replacing your Wednesday am routine.

Anonymous wrote:OP again - I have tried reasoning with him on behalf of DC12. I am met with "You don't get to decide what I do with DCs on my time."

I'll think about someone who can serve as a go-between. DC12 may have some ideas too.

“You’re right; I don’t. But the kids should.”