Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I want to thank you and everyone who posted for this thread. This has completely validated the experience I have had for the past few years and it has made me feel less crazy and anxious. I am the target of mom's wrath and my sibling, who she wasn't very close to, only gets pleasant behavior. I have been gaslit so much and mom has become completely paranoid about me and complains to others. Luckily we have good professionals involved so I could detach and stop dealing with endless hostility.
OP here. Thank you for responding. I think it is important that we know we are not alone. It is such a fine line to walk - wanting/needing to do the right thing, and not taking the behavior personally. It is so important to hear what works for other people who have been through this - how to shift our own thinking when the person who has dementia is acting differently than we are used to. The dementia on the parent's end seems to have creeped in slowly over the years, and now it is becoming more obvious, but no one in the family is saying anything, which makes it more isolating. Plus, the parent is extremely patriarchal (makes no secret of it - a product of their age and upbringing), so certain people are targeted. It is strange to see people singled out, but in retrospect, it has been happening slowly over the last few years or so.
It is all very complicated and awful. It's hard not to take it personally when someone you love targets you for anger or accuses you of things and everyone else thinks she is just fine, so you are the problem. As you said, it is isolating. I found myself constantly doubting my own reality. I felt like I was going mad except my own spouse and children saw the same things I did. My own health crisis was a gift because it forced me to stop the maddening dance and protect my family as well. We have a case manager and other professionals managing her care and siblings visit more. Now she just tells people I abandoned her, but at least I know she has trained professionals and the siblings who buy into her reality looking out for her. When she lashes out at siblings, they claim it's because my stepping aside set off dementia. I understand a person with dementia cannot easily care about her own daughter having a serious life threatening health issue, but you would think my siblings could set aside their crazy and give me peace to take care of my health. Mom can no longer accuse me of things because I am not there to do the things she accuses me of. The sad thing is, as she needs more help and starts accusing the help of things, I will not know who to believe and I will not be able to intervene. I cannot protect someone who sees me as the enemy. Before all this when I took extended breaks from her she always found some new person to unleash on because she desperately needs a target to release her demons and her brain only allows her to see herself as a victim.
I very much want the option for myself in old age to be allowed to die with dignity if I get a dementia diagnosis. Me genetic loading seems to lean toward, angry delusional and paranoid dementia. I will do everything in my power not to put my children through this.