I guess I don't think this is a problem at all. My inlaws want us to travel to them for Christmas and I'd do anything for them to come to us instead. My parents travel to us. Hosting seems like nbd, even with a newborn since you won't be working and will have more time than ever (I have a baby).

Pick what you want to do and then just don't listen any more to your inlaws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hotels and they can join you for meals.

This. Give them the same opportunity to be with you as you are giving your own parents. If that's just Christmas dinner then so be it. Be very very clear though that you cannot actually host them. I'd present that as an equal take it or leave it option.

I agree with this too. They can cook or you can order in. If #2 is one of those dream babies that sleeps and eats are rarely fusses you can do more. If #2 is a tough one and #1 needs attention, send #1 out with DH and grandparents and you and baby have time at home.

I would not want guests at TG. I also think asking them to wait till Easter is a long time.

Anonymous wrote:I think you would be up for low key hosting by Christmas. No big dinner and ILs do their own laundry, but baby will be sleeping large chunks and you will have feeding down (whatever form that takes).

Would that help?

Otherwise, let MIL have her feelings and just move on. You can reassure her it’s just this year and not a new tradition.

Sorry, this stood out to me.
What?
New baby or not--since when do DILs do their inlaws laundry? That's crazy!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your plans are reasonable and your MIL can have a different opinion. But I would be real quick to let her know if your plans don’t work for her, then that’s a shame. Do not change your plans for her. She can come at Thanksgiving or she can skip it. She cannot come at Christmas.

2 kids is really hard. Especially if you think PPD might be in the cards. If she’s not respecting your requests this far out, she’s unlikely to do so in person if you change your mind. I wouldn’t budge.

Also, friendly reminder that OP offered up Easter for the ILs as well. That should be enough to seal the deal. What is the absolute obsession ppl have with Christmas?

I like Easter but I think there are a lot of people who don't think the two are "equal". My MIL was raised Jewish, married a Catholic and celebrated Christmas and Easter with her kids. But not having a strong religious tie, she will sometimes come to Easter and sometimes not. It's not a big deal to her if she misses it but would never miss Christmas with my kids.

Anonymous wrote:Your plans are reasonable and your MIL can have a different opinion. But I would be real quick to let her know if your plans don’t work for her, then that’s a shame. Do not change your plans for her. She can come at Thanksgiving or she can skip it. She cannot come at Christmas.

2 kids is really hard. Especially if you think PPD might be in the cards. If she’s not respecting your requests this far out, she’s unlikely to do so in person if you change your mind. I wouldn’t budge.

Also, friendly reminder that OP offered up Easter for the ILs as well. That should be enough to seal the deal. What is the absolute obsession ppl have with Christmas?

Your plans are reasonable and your MIL can have a different opinion. But I would be real quick to let her know if your plans don’t work for her, then that’s a shame. Do not change your plans for her. She can come at Thanksgiving or she can skip it. She cannot come at Christmas.

2 kids is really hard. Especially if you think PPD might be in the cards. If she’s not respecting your requests this far out, she’s unlikely to do so in person if you change your mind. I wouldn’t budge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds like you *are* up for hosting Christmas, just not your in-laws. They’ll take that well, I’m sure.

In-town relatives coming over for a low-key meal is totally different than out-of-town relatives staying st your house for several days. Even if OP’s in-laws stayed in a hotel, it can be a lot of work/disruption to have guests coming over every day for the duration of their visit.

OP's DH has every right to have his parents visit. It's his child too.

OP here. If you read my post, my husband and I are 100% on the same page on this; not sure where your comment came from. That is not an issue in this situation at all.

And, saw this asked a few times, but Christmas has never been a solo holiday with his parents. We’re asking for Thanksgiving as the holiday visit time for a variety of dynamics that we think will result in a less stressful holiday season for our little family unit as a whole.

Anyways, thanks all. All perspectives have been helpful. I’m sure it’ll get worked out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds like you *are* up for hosting Christmas, just not your in-laws. They’ll take that well, I’m sure.

In-town relatives coming over for a low-key meal is totally different than out-of-town relatives staying st your house for several days. Even if OP’s in-laws stayed in a hotel, it can be a lot of work/disruption to have guests coming over every day for the duration of their visit.

OP's DH has every right to have his parents visit. It's his child too.

Anonymous wrote:I think it sounds like you *are* up for hosting Christmas, just not your in-laws. They’ll take that well, I’m sure.

In-town relatives coming over for a low-key meal is totally different than out-of-town relatives staying st your house for several days. Even if OP’s in-laws stayed in a hotel, it can be a lot of work/disruption to have guests coming over every day for the duration of their visit.

^^^OH look! Overbearing, entitled MIL just showed up.

I just can't get over you people thinking you should always get everything exactly the way you want it, caring zero for how it effects other people. OP, set boundaries early and often. And drop the people pleasing. You will never satisfy your MIL, and will drive yourself crazy trying. Good that your husband is on the same page and he has a spine.

I think it sounds like you *are* up for hosting Christmas, just not your in-laws. They’ll take that well, I’m sure.

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do decide (and it sounds like your plan is a good one), put yourself in a mental place where if things aren’t going well, you will cancel.

I had PPD with my second (not with my first!) and I felt so locked in with my (low key, reasonable) holiday plans because I had promised everyone and they were already a compromise, that I didn’t even consider canceling and it was a huge mistake that set my healing back probably months. Terrible. Yes, you’ve parented before but things can be different and you don’t know what you don’t know. Keep an open mind.

OP here. Thanks for this. I had PPD with my first and admit it’s weighing on me.

Anonymous wrote:Hotels and they can join you for meals.

This. Give them the same opportunity to be with you as you are giving your own parents. If that's just Christmas dinner then so be it. Be very very clear though that you cannot actually host them. I'd present that as an equal take it or leave it option.

Decide what you want for your family.
Extend invitations as necessary for your plans for your family.
Accept or decline invitations according to what works for your family.
Let adults decide to do and feel how they want.

For my mom it’s always an invitation with an RSVP date, then I step back and let her decide. I don’t have the energy for games or begging her to come. She’s an adult she can accept or decline but she can’t complain she wasn’t included.

When you have hosted Christmas in the past, is it just you and the ILs? I would think it would be easier to have them there for Christmas when the baby is a month older than to have them there for Thanksgiving. Couldn't you just do things as you normally do and just do a simple Christmas meal or order food (which should really be on DH and not you this year)? I would think that would be a better compromise than what you are proposing. In defense of your MIL, I wouldn't want my limited time with my new grandchild to be spent with relatives that aren't mine and lots of other people who are also (maybe) meeting the baby for the first time.

FWIW, I always have both sides of the family over for Christmas and if either side doesn't like it, they don't have to come. As long as your parents and ILs get along, I don't see why your parents shouldn't be allowed to come over for at least a little bit of time on Christmas, again, making sure it is understood that the food will be simple. And I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your ILs to stay in a hotel this year as you are trying to establish a new routine.