Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

New details…. Interesting.

If by "interesting," you mean "trolling, as evidenced by subsequently changing the facts presented and upping the ante", then sure.

Most moms would consider this as a nanny going above and beyond.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

You can’t control what your nanny says. If you want to control what information is disseminated to friends and neighbors about your family, then you need to take your child to birthday parties, playdates, etc.

I get it. We've had the same nanny for 8 years. But now with our youngest her life has changed a lot. She needs to take the baby with her on errands, to appointments, to visit her other family members, etc. All of that is completely fine with me (actually it's more like what a SAHM would do and it seems more natural than sitting in a playroom all day), but I am jealous. I want to go to Target with the baby.

I'd encourage you to work part time or to take more time off. Or even to adjust your hours. I now work 6-3pm.

Every time she oversteps a boundary (like receiving and responding to birthday invites), say that you have it covered. Or tell her "in the future I want to respond to those."

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even know what “boundaries” would look like here- “please don’t talk to other parents in the dance waiting room?”

“Please don’t accept any birthday invitations.”
“Please don’t make any play dates for Larla.”
“Please don’t speak to any of the other parents.”


Then I want you to come back to us and report back if she’ll be available for you on those spur of the moment late nights that you seem to enjoy. Or if she’s going to stay late when you have something to do after work.

This is not what being "too chatty" means.

Anonymous wrote:It's great if she's planning playdates and getting to know the parents of your children. She will never replace you. Think about how your kids benefit from this aspect of your nanny's personality.

If she is sharing private info, that is a conversation you need to have with her about what is and isn't appropriate.

This. The stuff you shared in your original post doesn’t sound weird at all. It sounds like maybe you’re realizing your kids are growing up and this is your “last chance” to do XYZ….not wrong, and worth exploring. But it’s not bad (and is in fact good!) that your nanny is forging these connections


If the private info stuff is happening, that is different. Without more details I can’t say what sounds normal or not

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

OP here. Perhaps I do. Maybe my feelings are telling me to fire her, quit my job and enjoy time with my youngest? Or maybe better boundaries solves this problem. Again, we've had several nannies and never had this dynamic before.

what kind of boundaries, exactly? are you going to tell her she can’t talk to parents at school pickups?

OP are you under anxiety and stress in some other part of your life? Because your nanny sounds totally normal, but you are focused on her behavior in a hostile way that does not seem merited. When that happens to me, usually it’s because I am stressed for some other reason.

I don’t even know what “boundaries” would look like here- “please don’t talk to other parents in the dance waiting room?”

Anonymous wrote:She wants to be in control so she can make sure things are in her comfort zone and easiest for her. Over the years she’s learned how to manipulate moms. It’s not that she wants to replace a mom. It’s because she wants to be in complete control and not have you make decisions as to where and when she’s going to be doing things…. Very common. Make sure that you set boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

New details…. Interesting.

It's great if she's planning playdates and getting to know the parents of your children. She will never replace you. Think about how your kids benefit from this aspect of your nanny's personality.

If she is sharing private info, that is a conversation you need to have with her about what is and isn't appropriate.

Anonymous wrote:You sound jealous as hell. You have to decide, do you want to miss out on these things experiences or quit/scale back your job?


I thought this was going to be about a nanny who is gossiping / spreading private info about your family around town. You’re upset she’s setting up play dates and accepting birthday invites…?!

OP here. We area also concerned about gossiping and spreading private info. One good friend from neighborhood called me to let me know about an incident where she was sharing more information than she thought was appropriate and wanted me to know. It didn't rise to the level of firing her on the spot, but it definitely is contributing to my unhappiness at the moment with this situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

I disagree. She needs to set some boundaries.

NP. What boundaries?

The help shouldn't be speaking with their betters

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound very jealous!

OP here. Perhaps I do. Maybe my feelings are telling me to fire her, quit my job and enjoy time with my youngest? Or maybe better boundaries solves this problem. Again, we've had several nannies and never had this dynamic before.

You're assuming the feeling you have is because of the nanny and her actions. Perhaps the feelings are because this is your last kid and you have some latent longing to be a SAHM for a while but feel pressured to work because you like your job, have had issues with your husband. I think many times WOHM moms feel like they *should* work if they can work, especially if they were the type to look down at SAHMs in the past (I'm not saying you are that type, just acknowledging they exist).

I do think it's a bit ridiculous. Who cares who gets the invitation and no, she's not running off with your kid. She'd stop showing up to care for your if you stopped paying her. Loving your kid is a good thing, not something to be feared.