Anonymous
05/13/2023 11:29
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It won't change. Your kid is 14. Stick it out for stability until he's out of the house. Divorce then.
This. It is only 4 years away. You can survive 4 years. It is different when kids are 3-6 and you are looking at 12+ years
OP - thank you. That’s where I keep landing but some days I question.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 11:28
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.
Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.
I have not dealt with this, but the reality is this behavior is super selfish. I find it hard to believe his therapist is really encouraging only “sole” focus and nothing for the two of you as a couple. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this. There is a way to strike a balance between activities as an individual and activities as a couple.
OP here - 100% selfish, hard not to build resentment. I didn’t say his therapist was the best and she is not concerned with “us.” I’m not in the sessions, but from what I’ve gathered, he uses it as a safe space to vent “wife nags me, boss nags me, woe is me” which he feels has made him not happy. Also a lifetime of people pleasing but not seeing how that’s affected his life. Therapist: “I’m sorry, focus on you, find what makes you happy” - this has been going on for 2 years. I’m not a therapist but I did a quick google search and recognized we have an anxious (me) avoidant (him) attachment style which has been the core of our relationship troubles since day 1. A lot is triggered from childhood trauma that he is not ready/willing to explore. (Very controlling/critical mother) Hence adding new activities to distract from our relationship, as crazy as it sounds because I trigger those issues with his mom. Last year, our couples counselor said he was depressed and recommended anti-depressants, which he tried for 3 months and stopped because he was feeling better. That was 6 months ago - I’m fully aware this is not good and go back and forth with divorce timing. Right now, my focus is on my child and I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness to maintain our “home” and “family” while working on a new version of me. It’s incredibly devastating and I’m mourning the loss everyday.
Again, I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have a good handle on the issues. Are you staying in therapy yourself to work on your anxiety? Whenever you end up divorcing, you definitely don’t want to repeat this pattern.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 11:24
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:It won't change. Your kid is 14. Stick it out for stability until he's out of the house. Divorce then.
This. It is only 4 years away. You can survive 4 years. It is different when kids are 3-6 and you are looking at 12+ years
Anonymous
05/13/2023 11:03
Subject: DH mid life crisis
It won't change. Your kid is 14. Stick it out for stability until he's out of the house. Divorce then.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 11:00
Subject: DH mid life crisis
So you value stability / the status quo, money and social status more than happiness, connection and sex. Accept that and you’ll be a lot happier. Your husband is selfish and does not love you, probably doesn’t even like you. I’m sorry but this is super common, take a look on tik tok or Reddit. It’s not a midlife crisis and it won’t get better. And be prepared, if you get sick he will be out the door, he may be anyhow if someone catches his eye or when your son is grown.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 10:45
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.
Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.
Is that what he told you that happy does not include a romantic relationship? Did you have a good romantic relationship before? This sounds like a normal phase many relationships go through where things change for a while. It’s a shame you want to divorce him while you still have a kid you’re raising.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 10:37
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.
Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.
I have not dealt with this, but the reality is this behavior is super selfish. I find it hard to believe his therapist is really encouraging only “sole” focus and nothing for the two of you as a couple. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this. There is a way to strike a balance between activities as an individual and activities as a couple.
OP here - 100% selfish, hard not to build resentment. I didn’t say his therapist was the best and she is not concerned with “us.” I’m not in the sessions, but from what I’ve gathered, he uses it as a safe space to vent “wife nags me, boss nags me, woe is me” which he feels has made him not happy. Also a lifetime of people pleasing but not seeing how that’s affected his life. Therapist: “I’m sorry, focus on you, find what makes you happy” - this has been going on for 2 years. I’m not a therapist but I did a quick google search and recognized we have an anxious (me) avoidant (him) attachment style which has been the core of our relationship troubles since day 1. A lot is triggered from childhood trauma that he is not ready/willing to explore. (Very controlling/critical mother) Hence adding new activities to distract from our relationship, as crazy as it sounds because I trigger those issues with his mom. Last year, our couples counselor said he was depressed and recommended anti-depressants, which he tried for 3 months and stopped because he was feeling better. That was 6 months ago - I’m fully aware this is not good and go back and forth with divorce timing. Right now, my focus is on my child and I’m willing to sacrifice my happiness to maintain our “home” and “family” while working on a new version of me. It’s incredibly devastating and I’m mourning the loss everyday.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 10:13
Subject: DH mid life crisis
What you describe is, in no way, shape, or form, a mid-life crisis.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 10:01
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Not divorce worthy at all, get couples counseling.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:59
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.
Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.
I have not dealt with this, but the reality is this behavior is super selfish. I find it hard to believe his therapist is really encouraging only “sole” focus and nothing for the two of you as a couple. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this. There is a way to strike a balance between activities as an individual and activities as a couple.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:49
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Your pros focus mostly on your lifestyle and not your relationship itself. Just want to point that out.
Yep, there is no relationship at this point, there is friendship/ respect. No desire or romance as of lately. I would prefer that change, but all energy is on himself and being “happy” - which for him, does not include a romantic relationship.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:43
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:He is thinking of or or is having some kind of affair/flirtation, imo
Classic behavior from both of you
You don’t think he is or ever would, you think he is fine with the roommate arrangement;he is getting away with it, for now. called being blindsided.
OP here - I hear you, first thought I had too, I even asked a few months ago to make some sense of the shift. And not in a naive way - if there is someone else, go explore that. I’ve admittedly snooped on phone/email, nothing!!! I’m not blind this stuff happens everyday, it’s almost more difficult when there is not another person.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:34
Subject: Re:DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:My husband went through all this around age 45. Including the self grooming. There absolutely was no affair nor interest in one. It was just a mid life crisis plus depression. He was also quick to argue with me, blame me for things, etc, and twenty years into our relationship I was not blameless in some bad habits that had set in - which during this period he was quick to hone in on and blame for all his problems. It was challenging. Ultimately I had to learn to give him some space, bend over backwards to treat him as impeachable and perfect, and he had to learn to stop being so “dark” and try and reframe his life. The period lasted around three years and we got through it and things are back to normal and great again. I have several friends whose husbands went through similar in their mid to late forties, and other than one, it did not involve grooming to cheat or cheating.
OP here-thanks for sharing your experience, I feel like you heard me! Glad you survived that phase, it’s not fun.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:31
Subject: DH mid life crisis
Anonymous wrote:Op - you wrote that these new behaviors - exercising, playing video games - are escapism and avoidance. What is he avoiding? Is he dropping the ball somewhere? Or is it that time spent watching tv/hanging out with you has been reallocated?
OP here- correct, no time for me - no date nights, no time for “us” - he’s doing his part at home/being a good dad.
Anonymous
05/13/2023 09:30
Subject: DH mid life crisis
That sounds normal, OP. There are phases like this every marriage. You two just need to keep talking it and eventually it will get better.