Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 14:02     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
I'm confused. The parents were deeply involved and seemingly invested everything in getting the help the sibling needed. The guidance has changed since then. But they were listening to experts and seemingly doing everything they could. How could you ever call them bad parents? You must never have had a difficult child. How can people do more than this? What would you have done differently? If you say I would have medicated my child, well no, you probably wouldn't have when people who are supposed to be experts were saying you shouldn't, and parents have a (rightfully) high bar for putting their child on medication.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:59     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Three things:

1. Your sibling has untreated ADHD and feels resentment about the lack of medication, because they were probably blamed and shamed for their disability, not to mention that it did not set them on a path for success. There is nothing more traumatic than shaming a child for something they cannot control. Even if it wasn't overt, they couldn't help being compared to you and the other sibling. Even now, the way you phrase it, you are using an accusatory tone and not acknowledging their disability and pain.

2. At the time, it was probably difficult for your parents to know about, accept, and treat this disorder. They have responsibility, but maybe diminished responsibility and should not be held up as monsters by your sibling. Adults need to own their lives, and move forward as best they can with the trauma they suffered as children. We cannot blame our upbringing forever. It is on each one of us to make do.

3. This should not affect the way you celebrate Mother's Day, yours or your mother's. Your relationship with your mother is your own.


Honestly, having grown up with untreated ADHD and having a child with severe ADHD who received services and accommodations early on, then medication in 5th grade, I measure how better his mental health and self-esteem is compared to mine at the same age. Treatment is life-changing.

Your sibling was not parented well for the disorder they have. I hope one day you can acknowledge that to your sibling - it might go a long way towards alleviating a bit of that PTSD they seem to have. Do not make them feel as if you're diminishing what they went through. It will only make them more intent on expressing their resentment.


I just love posters like you. Very fair, kind and reasonable.


It was a well-written and thoughtful post until she started diagnosing strangers over the internet. ADHD? PTSD? Please leave it to the professionals.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:50     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?


I'm sorry for you but this goes way beyond punishing. You were a victim of abuse. Have you been in therapy?


Hold onto your hat - the psyschologist my parents sent me to (and yelled at me for having to go to - per them I was the reason we couldn't go on vacations) suggested a lot of these punishments. How's that for crazy?! As an adult, I used my EAP benefit at one point to go to a therapist. I went like four times, and then decided I was good enough as is, and can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it was to (nicely) fire her. When *I* chose to stop going to see her. That one thing was outrageously healing.


My childhood was very similar to yours, except it was all about hiding my dyslexia.

The psychologist thing is tough. I've found that parents like this come off as very credible. So this psychologist may have believed the crazy things that you parents said about you and their solutions were for the made-up version of you. But it's also very likely that your parents just lied and said the psychologist suggested these solutions to justify doing them.


+1. My parents were like this and my father IS a research psychologist (PhD) and my mother is an urban planner. They always came off as very competent and caring. No one would have thought that outside of these types of meetings they didn't speak to each other, slept in separate rooms, had a completely dysfunctional marriage, and created a very chaotic home environment.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:43     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?


I'm sorry for you but this goes way beyond punishing. You were a victim of abuse. Have you been in therapy?


Hold onto your hat - the psyschologist my parents sent me to (and yelled at me for having to go to - per them I was the reason we couldn't go on vacations) suggested a lot of these punishments. How's that for crazy?! As an adult, I used my EAP benefit at one point to go to a therapist. I went like four times, and then decided I was good enough as is, and can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it was to (nicely) fire her. When *I* chose to stop going to see her. That one thing was outrageously healing.


My childhood was very similar to yours, except it was all about hiding my dyslexia.

The psychologist thing is tough. I've found that parents like this come off as very credible. So this psychologist may have believed the crazy things that you parents said about you and their solutions were for the made-up version of you. But it's also very likely that your parents just lied and said the psychologist suggested these solutions to justify doing them.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:14     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?


I'm sorry for you but this goes way beyond punishing. You were a victim of abuse. Have you been in therapy?


Hold onto your hat - the psyschologist my parents sent me to (and yelled at me for having to go to - per them I was the reason we couldn't go on vacations) suggested a lot of these punishments. How's that for crazy?! As an adult, I used my EAP benefit at one point to go to a therapist. I went like four times, and then decided I was good enough as is, and can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it was to (nicely) fire her. When *I* chose to stop going to see her. That one thing was outrageously healing.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:13     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Three things:

1. Your sibling has untreated ADHD and feels resentment about the lack of medication, because they were probably blamed and shamed for their disability, not to mention that it did not set them on a path for success. There is nothing more traumatic than shaming a child for something they cannot control. Even if it wasn't overt, they couldn't help being compared to you and the other sibling. Even now, the way you phrase it, you are using an accusatory tone and not acknowledging their disability and pain.

2. At the time, it was probably difficult for your parents to know about, accept, and treat this disorder. They have responsibility, but maybe diminished responsibility and should not be held up as monsters by your sibling. Adults need to own their lives, and move forward as best they can with the trauma they suffered as children. We cannot blame our upbringing forever. It is on each one of us to make do.

3. This should not affect the way you celebrate Mother's Day, yours or your mother's. Your relationship with your mother is your own.


Honestly, having grown up with untreated ADHD and having a child with severe ADHD who received services and accommodations early on, then medication in 5th grade, I measure how better his mental health and self-esteem is compared to mine at the same age. Treatment is life-changing.

Your sibling was not parented well for the disorder they have. I hope one day you can acknowledge that to your sibling - it might go a long way towards alleviating a bit of that PTSD they seem to have. Do not make them feel as if you're diminishing what they went through. It will only make them more intent on expressing their resentment.


I just love posters like you. Very fair, kind and reasonable.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:07     Subject: Re:Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
It is not ok for you and your mom to triangulate this issue with your sibling. That is toxic and always leads to more drama.

Set a boundary and let your mom know you can’t be the person who she vents to about sibling.

This is the part you have control of and where you are amplifying said drama. Every person has the right to their own narrative, including you and your sibling. So what if they are different. Let it be.

Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 13:00     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That isn’t ruining Mother’s Day. Stop being dramatic and just hide their content from your feed.


OP here. They get my mom upset and crying. This isn't really about me. I frankly don't care and actually do have them blocked.


Then teach her how to block sibling’s feed.

This has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. And you sound like the golden child defending a narcissistic parent. So you might want to look into that.


This 100% Sorry OP but this is a very common dynamic.



+10000000 This is my sister completely. The golden child needs to stay out of it. You need to say to your mom "Mom, I'm sorry this is upsetting to you. I don't want to be in the middle. Perhaps you should call Larla and discuss with her directly"
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:39     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:Who are these parents who buy houses for their children?


They are parents you don't want. I used to envy this sort of thing, but now that I know a few people from really wealthy families I see how toxic it is. It comes with endless strings, guilt and manipulations and is help over their heads constantly. Money is a huge weapon in some families and nobody feels sorry for the naive adult child who accepts the free car or house without understanding it is a golden noose and the parents are holding it. I have heard some wild stories. If my kids marry into families like this I will suggest they have the parents put in writing any expectations in exchange for the "gift."
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:34     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Stop reading her social media and detatch. Two people can have different childhoods with the same parents. Her temperament and needs may not have been a good match with them.

Regardless, you are too enmeshed. You can have a good relationship with your parents. You don't get to control her or protect them. It sounds like you are in the whole Golden Child /Scapegoat thing and it's not healthy. If they are venting about it all to you, you can tell them your experience with them was positive, but set a boundary-you don't want to discuss their upset with your sister.

If you can't detach and stay out of it, a therapist may help.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:18     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:Just a vent. I have a difficult sibling. They were just a very wild baby, crazy child and a difficult personality. They were constantly in trouble (not with the law or in school thankfully!), hyper, messy rooms (and I mean the kind of messy room that's bug and rodent infested/ dirty dishes). Probably the complete opposite of me and my other sibling, who just did what my parents said and were type A. I'm not bragging, just explaining why my parents found my sibling difficult and it was probably worse in comparison to us. Frankly my sibling can't even see that they got all the attention growing up.

Every year about a week before Mother's Day my sibling starts the blame game. Starts posting things about how hard their childhood was, about how they needed to be in therapy, they should have been on Adderall, how awful it was to be forced to do chores, spankings (these happened very few times). I think people didn't use Adderall and Ritalin as much then, their psychiatrists recommended against it and my sibling had organizational coaches instead.

I get that we have different parents and different experiences, but I'm sick of hearing about it. My sibling lived a cushy existence with two incredibly involved parents who cared deeply about them. Parents paid for college, grad school, new cars, and bought them their first house cash. The people who comment on their instagram posts have real problems, like drug addicted parents who physically and emotionally abused them. But sibling is so vague about their abuse that people think my parents were abusive.

We're in our 40s now.


Yep, I see something similar except mine is a younger brother. I'm not sure where it all comes from. I do want to say that life in general has not worked out the way in terms of family that I thought it would.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:18     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
She posts -- you don't have to look

Don't look.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:09     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
Anonymous wrote:You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?


I'm sorry for you but this goes way beyond punishing. You were a victim of abuse. Have you been in therapy?
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 12:03     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
You know my parents meant well and were very involved. They also didn't want to put me on Ritalin, so they just punished me constantly. For things out of my control. I stood against a wall and would get lectured for hours. I was perpetually grounded, not allowed to watch tv with the family, can count on one hand the times I was allowed to have friends over or go to their houses, made to stand facing the wall each night after dinner for an hour, and for months at a time, not allowed on entire floors of the house. At 19 after failing out of college I got diagnosed with a ton of severe learning disabilies, on top of the untreated ADHD. My parents and school district absolutely failed me.

I also had a perfect sibling. Teach your mom to block your sibling. Your sibling is struggling even now - can't you see that?
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 11:59     Subject: Vent- Sibling always ruins mother's day
It sounds like your parents failed your sibling and didn't get her the help she needed. I hope she's getting the therapy and medication she needs now.