Anonymous wrote:

If your response to other people's negative emotions is "get over it," then yes, you are highly judgmental and should learn to be more accepting of other people's feelings. You don't have to share their feelings and you don't even have to get in there and empathize or validate. But the very least you could do is not respond to their emotions by acting like they shouldn't have them at all. You simply do not know enough about other people's lives to make that call, and it's not up to you to decide when people get to cry or not.

I feel judged.

Anonymous wrote:Interesting. Reading about judgment, empathy, etc. -- You'll have to trust me when I tell you that I'm very non-judgmental about how people live their lives. If it brings you joy and doesn't harm others, have at it!

But, I think maybe I am judgmental about people's emotional reactions to things. If you spill milk; well, accidents happen. No worries. If you cry over spilled milk and you're older than 10 years old, I'm really going to struggle to regard the weeping as a valid emotional reaction.

Then you are judgmental.

Also, you never know when someone has a big emotional reaction what it's actually about. If someone is crying over spilled milk, my initial reaction is "something else must be going on." So instead of openly judging them for crying, I help them clean up the milk and tell them it's okay, everyone has those days. Maybe their marriage is falling apart. Maybe their kid is struggling at school and they don't know how to help them. Maybe they were abused as a child and the spilled milk reminded them of times when their parents hit them for spilling milk. Maybe they have been trying to get pregnant for 5 years and just lost another pregnancy. Maybe they have chronic depression. Maybe they have very low self-esteem and spilling milk made them think "damn it I can't do anything right."

If your response to other people's negative emotions is "get over it," then yes, you are highly judgmental and should learn to be more accepting of other people's feelings. You don't have to share their feelings and you don't even have to get in there and empathize or validate. But the very least you could do is not respond to their emotions by acting like they shouldn't have them at all. You simply do not know enough about other people's lives to make that call, and it's not up to you to decide when people get to cry or not.

Interesting. Reading about judgment, empathy, etc. -- You'll have to trust me when I tell you that I'm very non-judgmental about how people live their lives. If it brings you joy and doesn't harm others, have at it!

But, I think maybe I am judgmental about people's emotional reactions to things. If you spill milk; well, accidents happen. No worries. If you cry over spilled milk and you're older than 10 years old, I'm really going to struggle to regard the weeping as a valid emotional reaction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also, you don't have to always feel empathy to no be an a$$, my coworker who is an a$$ is going through a bad divorce, I think he deserves it, but when I talk to him I act like "john lennon died"... or "im talking to my friend who is a widow".

I think this gets at my question about validation. It sounds like you respond to your co-worker's feelings about a bad divorce with the same kind of compassion as you would someone grieving over Uvalde or John Lennon dying -- even though he is an ass who deserves what he's getting. That was my disconnect, I think. I'm not really wired that way, and that sort of validation might be beyond me. (Whereas, I can certainly feel compassion for someone grieving over sad world events even if I'm not personally feeling those things as deeply.)

9:25 here and I think the issue for you is, specifically, judgment.

Judgment is the enemy of empathy. If you are judging, it is not possible to empathize. So what you are saying is that you could never empathize with the co-worker going through a divorce if you judge him to be at fault for the divorce. I don't necessarily think that's bad (I don't think you have to have empathy all the time, for everyone) but if this is frequently a problem for you, even with people you like a lot more than a jerk co-worker who is getting what he deserves, then the problem is likely that you spend a lot of time in judgment of others, even your spouse and friends.

Letting go of judgment can be hard but it's necessary to connect and support others. It's also, I think, good for you. If you sit in judgment of others a lot, you are likely also pretty judgmental towards yourself. Learning to let that go and be more accepting and flexible can make your life better in a lot of ways.

To the people who complain about when people "go on and on" about their negative feelings or the underlying situation, a tip.

If your response to a loved one's expression of negative emotions (or just relating a bad situation form their life) is to push back, they are going to feel like they need to "prove" to you that the problem is real or that their feelings are valid. So they might keep talking and explaining (this is called "over explaining") because by pushing back on them you've invalidated their feelings or experience, and have become the arbiter of whether it's okay for them to feel as they do. A poster upthread demonstrated this really well when they said they have trouble "pretending a little thing is a big thing." That's exactly the kind of value judgment that is going to put someone on the defense and keep trying to convince you that their thing matters.

So my advice is: don't be the arbiter. Practice non-judgment. That might actually be easier than practicing validation, which can look different for different people. But judgment is easier to identify and avoid. Practice hearing a loved one tell you about their experience or their feelings and just accepting it as the truth and not trying to reframe it in any way. People really struggle with this, so I think it's worth practicing.

Anonymous wrote:

Also, you don't have to always feel empathy to no be an a$$, my coworker who is an a$$ is going through a bad divorce, I think he deserves it, but when I talk to him I act like "john lennon died"... or "im talking to my friend who is a widow".

I think this gets at my question about validation. It sounds like you respond to your co-worker's feelings about a bad divorce with the same kind of compassion as you would someone grieving over Uvalde or John Lennon dying -- even though he is an ass who deserves what he's getting. That was my disconnect, I think. I'm not really wired that way, and that sort of validation might be beyond me. (Whereas, I can certainly feel compassion for someone grieving over sad world events even if I'm not personally feeling those things as deeply.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think going on and on about negative emotions helps me. For me, it makes it worse.

That doesn't mean that I bury them. Sometimes I just let myself feel them for a short period of time. Often, it washes through you and you have to let the wave subside on its own. Other times, I want someone to help me re-frame. I talk with someone (DH, friend, etc.) and ask them to help me do a reset.

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me complain without commenting. I'll say that's what I'm looking for. I'm careful to not go beyond, say, 10 minutes.

I don’t think anybody is suggesting going on and on. 10 min seems about right.

I really think it’s more like “my boss scheduled a meeting for 4pm Friday before memorial weekend, ugh”

Oh that totally sucks.

Done.

Agreed. But a PP did say "I, on the other hand, could gripe about work and personal negativity all day, even when things are positive."

That wouldn't be helpful for me personally.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think going on and on about negative emotions helps me. For me, it makes it worse.

That doesn't mean that I bury them. Sometimes I just let myself feel them for a short period of time. Often, it washes through you and you have to let the wave subside on its own. Other times, I want someone to help me re-frame. I talk with someone (DH, friend, etc.) and ask them to help me do a reset.

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me complain without commenting. I'll say that's what I'm looking for. I'm careful to not go beyond, say, 10 minutes.

I don’t think anybody is suggesting going on and on. 10 min seems about right.

I really think it’s more like “my boss scheduled a meeting for 4pm Friday before memorial weekend, ugh”

Oh that totally sucks.

Done.

I don't think going on and on about negative emotions helps me. For me, it makes it worse.

That doesn't mean that I bury them. Sometimes I just let myself feel them for a short period of time. Often, it washes through you and you have to let the wave subside on its own. Other times, I want someone to help me re-frame. I talk with someone (DH, friend, etc.) and ask them to help me do a reset.

Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me complain without commenting. I'll say that's what I'm looking for. I'm careful to not go beyond, say, 10 minutes.

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who agrees with you, OP. It only helps if you’re talking to someone who can and will fix the problem. Like, if you tell your spouse it makes you feel bad when he XYZ and he stops doing that. Usually, though, he will get mad or defensive or something else that causes more issues. If your upset has nothing to do with the the other person, talking is only helpful if they can help you fix it. I’ve never understood people who complain that men want to solve your problem instead of just listen. I’m like, if you have advice on the solution, let’s hear it. Just listening to me be upset doesn’t help either of us!

So that is not normal, and that is what the OP was told in the other thread. It's not normal, nor is it healthy.

It doesn't really matter if that is what you prefer we are addressing if it is normal or healthy.

Anonymous wrote:My husband does not like to talk about emotions, work, or unpleasant things he is going through. He will talk about relationship stuff no problem - "you forgot to clean up the xyzzy" or "I feel like we're not having enough sex" but generally doesn't talk about colleague irritations, or fears, or stuff like that. He says he "doesn't bring me that stuff" but it's clear he doesn't want to talk about it - his or mine.

I, on the other hand, could gripe about work and personal negativity all day, even when things are positive. I try to temper it and I try to emphasize that even though I complained about a colleague and a student and a task that I still love my work, but it's hard for DH to understand this concept.

I do view this as a gendered difference, mostly.

That's not a feeling btw, that's a thought.

I think we are not having sex.
When we go without sex for 2 weeks I feel neglected and sad.

You forgot to clean up - thought
When you didn't clean up the sink and I had to it made me feel like you don't respect my time. - feeling

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So as a guy who doesn’t really understand validating, what is it? Is it different than agreeing? Can you still do it in an honest way if you think the person’s feelings are not in proportion to the issue? (I’m not suggesting telling them they’re wrong; but I might struggle to validate emotions if it means pretending a little deal is a big deal.)

When John Lennon died I was young and didn’t real know who he was or care.

My mom said , “people are very upset, you need to respect their feelings even if you could not care less”.

Ever time someone tells me something they deeply care about that makes the sad/mad/etc I think… it’s just like when John Lennon died.

Act like John Lennon died.

I love this. Just a great shorthand for being understanding and respectful of other people's feelings without having to give advice or try to fix it or whatever. Like just acknowledging they are upset and you understand why, even though you aren't upset because it's not something that impacts you.

I don’t think I agree, exactly. Respecting someone’s feelings falls short of validating them. If I’m a crying mess and someone is respectful that’s going to feel cold. Validation requires warmth.

Do you understand why people were sad that John Lennon died? or that the Uvalde kids died? Can you validate that those things that did not impact you are terrible and provide not only respect for their feelings but can't you think if I was in your shoes I'd feel sad too, and feel something.

If not you really just can't not feel your feelings and that is not normal. Maybe you can feel anger or joy (laughter) but you are missing.

Also, you don't have to always feel empathy to no be an a$$, my coworker who is an a$$ is going through a bad divorce, I think he deserves it, but when I talk to him I act like "john lennon died"... or "im talking to my friend who is a widow".

No you don't have to feel for everybody but if you feel for nobody, that is not normal.

I’m a woman who agrees with you, OP. It only helps if you’re talking to someone who can and will fix the problem. Like, if you tell your spouse it makes you feel bad when he XYZ and he stops doing that. Usually, though, he will get mad or defensive or something else that causes more issues. If your upset has nothing to do with the the other person, talking is only helpful if they can help you fix it. I’ve never understood people who complain that men want to solve your problem instead of just listen. I’m like, if you have advice on the solution, let’s hear it. Just listening to me be upset doesn’t help either of us!