Anonymous
Post 05/16/2023 15:36     Subject: dad died
Anonymous wrote:I’m right where you are OP. My Mom had dementia. My Dad had COPD. Living together in IL. Dad went on hospice. Mentally preparing for his death. And watching him decline in the last days was horrible. And preparing to move my Mom into Memory Care.

Then she has a bad fall. Brain bleed, decided not to do surgery. She died a week later. My poor Dad was on his final days and had to deal with his spouse of 52 years dying. Then 2 weeks later, he died.

This was last summer, and I still have moments where I forget they are both gone.

Sometimes I think they are still healthy and living in a different city, so I think “oh we should do XYZ when we see them over Christmas”
Or I think they are in the IL facility near me, so I think “I better check to see if they have enough of (grocery)”
Or I think I still need to move my Mom into MC and will mentally start planning how we will move her and her stuff over.

It’s just so hard to wrap your mind around it. But in the end, I’m glad she’s gone before she went into late stage dementia. She always told me she never wanted to live with dementia.


i've known for a long time that my brain deals with death by basically filing them as having moved with no forwarding address. "i should call them... oh."

and yeah, my mom has actually been on hospice for a year--they had their beds together in memory care-- and now i don't know what to expect. will she just fade away without him? she's farther advanced, so doesn't say anything that isn't word salad. she doesn't know who i am, but she knew who he was. but she doesn't seem to notice that he's gone.

i picked up all his clothes on friday, and then ran away to have mothers day out of town just to get away for a bit. it all sucks.
Anonymous
Post 05/12/2023 02:14     Subject: dad died
Im so sorry. My experience was different in that mine had his mental faculties, but developed aggressive cancer at 80 and passed 1.5 years after diagnosis last year on Father’s Day. watching them suffer in ANY capacity kicks the sh*t out of you emotionally - can both relate on that.
Anonymous
Post 05/11/2023 00:07     Subject: dad died
So sorry for your loss. Sending lots of hugs💞
Anonymous
Post 05/10/2023 20:05     Subject: dad died
OP, I am sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
Post 05/10/2023 16:44     Subject: Re:dad died
It is so hard. The mix of emotions is so difficult. I know a part of me felt relief and then the guilt for feeling that way. It is so hard, especially when dementia takes them long before. It is okay to feel all of the feels. Go easy on yourself.
Anonymous
Post 05/10/2023 14:18     Subject: dad died
I’m right where you are OP. My Mom had dementia. My Dad had COPD. Living together in IL. Dad went on hospice. Mentally preparing for his death. And watching him decline in the last days was horrible. And preparing to move my Mom into Memory Care.

Then she has a bad fall. Brain bleed, decided not to do surgery. She died a week later. My poor Dad was on his final days and had to deal with his spouse of 52 years dying. Then 2 weeks later, he died.

This was last summer, and I still have moments where I forget they are both gone.

Sometimes I think they are still healthy and living in a different city, so I think “oh we should do XYZ when we see them over Christmas”
Or I think they are in the IL facility near me, so I think “I better check to see if they have enough of (grocery)”
Or I think I still need to move my Mom into MC and will mentally start planning how we will move her and her stuff over.

It’s just so hard to wrap your mind around it. But in the end, I’m glad she’s gone before she went into late stage dementia. She always told me she never wanted to live with dementia.
Anonymous
Post 05/10/2023 02:55     Subject: dad died
Sorry Op
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 23:47     Subject: Re:dad died
OP, so sorry.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 23:03     Subject: dad died
So sorry for your loss, OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 21:21     Subject: dad died
Condolences to you OP. It's always a shock, even when you can see it coming.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 16:26     Subject: dad died
Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I find that even when they need so much help and are mostly gone my desire to preserve life is stronger than logic. Seeing someone stop eating is so deeply upsetting it doesn't seem right. While some would say it is a blessing when someone with dementia passes I have never found it comforting. The whole thing is just awful.

I am so sorry for your loss -- losing a parent is not easy even when you've lost so much of them already. It's almost like two different versions -- the one before the disease and the one after -- and you somehow have to grieve them separately.

(Then on top of that the anxiety that you or other loved ones might suffer from the same disease.)


Oh yeah, grieving both versions of them separately, that pretty much covers it. The hardest part was the stopping drinking. He was a strong, bone-deep stubborn man, and it took a week for his body to surrender after he stopped taking anything by mouth. And all I could do was hold his hand. A quick heart attack would have been a blessing, but this? argh.

Thanks, everyone. One day at a time.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 09:54     Subject: dad died
I'm so sorry, OP. I find that even when they need so much help and are mostly gone my desire to preserve life is stronger than logic. Seeing someone stop eating is so deeply upsetting it doesn't seem right. While some would say it is a blessing when someone with dementia passes I have never found it comforting. The whole thing is just awful.

I am so sorry for your loss -- losing a parent is not easy even when you've lost so much of them already. It's almost like two different versions -- the one before the disease and the one after -- and you somehow have to grieve them separately.

(Then on top of that the anxiety that you or other loved ones might suffer from the same disease.)
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 08:00     Subject: Re:dad died
I’m really sorry for your loss, OP. My dad also has dementia, as did his mother. I’ve heard it said that dementia takes all you have and then comes back for more- I can see the terrible truth in this statement.

Wishing you peace and comfort.
Anonymous
Post 05/09/2023 00:01     Subject: dad died
I’m so sorry for the long, slow loss as well as this recent sudden one. May you find peace, OP.
Anonymous
Post 05/08/2023 23:50     Subject: dad died
My dad died in the hospital and until a few days before the end, we were actively planning that he would go home eventually. His house was a wreck because a 100 pound man with kidney failure couldn’t keep up the house and wouldn’t accept help.

A month after he died, as I was cleaning out his house, I had a couple moments where a fleeting thought of how relieved he would be that XYZ was finally clean when he got home would stop me abruptly in my tracks when I would remember that he would not come home again.

It got easier when the cognitive dissonance faded a bit. Until that happened, it was just hard and sad no matter how many helpful reframes I could summon.

So sorry for your loss.