Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

WOW. Well, if that's not a cautionary tale then, I don't know what is....

OP, I think you might want to be more forceful about your opinion of your daughter's boyfriend given this PP's experience!

My husband and I didn't like a boy that his daughter (my step) started dating during her junior year. It's not that he was a mean kid who would rape her or anything (really). It's just that he and his family were low-class. Dad was a blue-collar laborer, Mom a secretary. Simple Catholics whose lives revolved around going to church on Sundays and Holy Days. He was in a few APs and supposedly did well but when you talked with him you could never see him in the workplace closing on a deal, you know? Too awkward and lacking in social graces and how to operate.

So we connected with a girlfriend of mine whose younger sister was a freshman at a college a couple of hours away. She was really hot and we gave her some money to really doll herself up--get her hair done, manicure, some hot new disposable clothes from FashionNova, etc. We had her show up at a party with a couple of her college friends, and we made sure our daughter couldn't attend so she could come on to him hot and heavy. He was goggly-eyed but didn't betray our daughter, but it didn't matter. This girl's friends took a few compromising pictures and she put a couple of really suggestive posts on his Instagram. She tagged the right people so it would get back to our daughter, and she dumped him.

Now, was this cruel? Of course. But our daughter wasn't really going to end up with this guy anyway; we just accelerated the process before he could bring her down in any way. And she knew to look more closely at who she dates moving forward without us having to openly bash the kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

WOW. Well, if that's not a cautionary tale then, I don't know what is....

OP, I think you might want to be more forceful about your opinion of your daughter's boyfriend given this PP's experience!

My husband and I didn't like a boy that his daughter (my step) started dating during her junior year. It's not that he was a mean kid who would rape her or anything (really). It's just that he and his family were low-class. Dad was a blue-collar laborer, Mom a secretary. Simple Catholics whose lives revolved around going to church on Sundays and Holy Days. He was in a few APs and supposedly did well but when you talked with him you could never see him in the workplace closing on a deal, you know? Too awkward and lacking in social graces and how to operate.

So we connected with a girlfriend of mine whose younger sister was a freshman at a college a couple of hours away. She was really hot and we gave her some money to really doll herself up--get her hair done, manicure, some hot new disposable clothes from FashionNova, etc. We had her show up at a party with a couple of her college friends, and we made sure our daughter couldn't attend so she could come on to him hot and heavy. He was goggly-eyed but didn't betray our daughter, but it didn't matter. This girl's friends took a few compromising pictures and she put a couple of really suggestive posts on his Instagram. She tagged the right people so it would get back to our daughter, and she dumped him.

Now, was this cruel? Of course. But our daughter wasn't really going to end up with this guy anyway; we just accelerated the process before he could bring her down in any way. And she knew to look more closely at who she dates moving forward without us having to openly bash the kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

WOW. Well, if that's not a cautionary tale then, I don't know what is....

OP, I think you might want to be more forceful about your opinion of your daughter's boyfriend given this PP's experience!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Haha oh no! Is this OP / did he really do that? I think I would largely keep the same approach as advised above (and definitely would NOT badmouth him to your daughter), but I might call him out directly a bit. (“Hey Chad, saw your comment on ____’s post.." and then just look at him and wait for an answer

Do this op

Oh I’d love to. Tbh I feel like I’d be doing the kid a bit of favor-he doesn’t seem to know that parents aren’t going to like him if he does stuff like that. I did ask my daughter when I mentioned it to her if she would expect someone’s parents to like her if she did something similar and she could see very clearly that no, of course they f$&$ing wouldnt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Haha oh no! Is this OP / did he really do that? I think I would largely keep the same approach as advised above (and definitely would NOT badmouth him to your daughter), but I might call him out directly a bit. (“Hey Chad, saw your comment on ____’s post.." and then just look at him and wait for an answer

Do this op

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Haha oh no! Is this OP / did he really do that? I think I would largely keep the same approach as advised above (and definitely would NOT badmouth him to your daughter), but I might call him out directly a bit. (“Hey Chad, saw your comment on ____’s post.." and then just look at him and wait for an answer

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

WOW. Well, if that's not a cautionary tale then, I don't know what is....

OP, I think you might want to be more forceful about your opinion of your daughter's boyfriend given this PP's experience!

Anonymous wrote:I had this feeling about only one of my DD's boyfriends in her teens, just one. Followed the golden rule of my fellow moms and kept my mouth shut. I supported them and welcomed him into our home. He raped my DD and then dropped her. We are awaiting his trial.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Did that happen?

Yes! I did say something to her about that-she was sheepish but says he’s doing it “ironically.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.

Did that happen?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would be stupid to not be baseline pleasant to him, and to at least put on the act that you’re giving him a chance. You can do this two ways: either 1) take every opportunity to snub him and also badmouth him to your daughter, or 2) act friendly towards him, pretend to entertain the relationship as valid, and - importantly - spend time with your daughter and keep the lines of communication open. Ask about him on occasion / not accusingly, and listen without giving advice or feedback. Present yourself as safe and non-judgmental, but there to talk about whatever.

The relationship will last a lot longer (and get a lot more serious) if you choose option A.

You don’t have to invite him on family vacation or anything, but greet him, converse with him and show (feigned) interest in his life.

I do think you make a good point in theory but, for example, say your daughter’s boyfriend posts “show up your t1ts!” publicly when she posts a photo of her visiting New Orleans for a college visit. It’s much easier said than done to be friendly and low key when I see him.