I say something like this, as calmly, sharply, and with as much eye contact as I can spare:

"You have. Absolutely. No Idea. What is going on here." (A pause on absolutely really helps.)

Generally, it shames the speaker, and they stop. They don't deserve the benefit of knowing my child's diagnosis. I never share with someone that arrogant and condescending. Sorry that it happened.

Those women were totally out of line. Especially the ice cream lady. Noone gets to decide what my kid does and doesn't deserve. Im sorry OP. I probably would have said something like "you are not helping the situation so mind your own business". And gotten out as soon as i could.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.

This is OP. I’m sorry my replies are quoting the relevant text. I didn’t realize there’s a difference in reply and quote now.

Hahaha no, I wasn’t standing around waiting for a cookie! But that makes me chuckle. She was screaming and flailing on the ground. I was trying to pick her up, but she’s over 50 pounds and didn’t want to leave, so I only got a few feet before I needed to put her down and readjust. She’s not easy to carry when she’s flailing like that. And I knew had to get across a parking lot, where I would need to put her down to unlock my car, and at that point she would run away, across a busy parking lot.

I decided it was safer to try to get her a bit calmer a few feet away from the cookie truck before I tried to carry her through the parking lot.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN HAS TO CALCULATE. Meanwhile the other women were lecturing her and taunting her about ice cream, which was escalating things.

Are you saying people followed you away from the truck to keep admonishing you? It sounded like you stayed holding up the line. You don't need to get all the way to the car but just away from the crowd as much as possible. Just get her to a safe spot and wait for her to calm down. The plan to get her to the car and then knowing she was going to dart into traffic doesn't sound like a good one.

I don’t think you need to worry too much about the logistics here in order to answer the actual question, but now that I think of it, yes, I guess the mom from the line did actually “follow” us from the line over to where I had picked up and moved my daughter about 5-10 feet or so away from the line, to first say to my daughter, “don’t cry, they still have ice cream” (when my daughter was doing way more than crying — she was already screaming and flailing at that point). My daughter then moved closer to the truck and line, and I was saying to my child, “the truck is closed, she’s all out of cookies and ice cream” (because I thought that was true). And that’s when the woman in the truck said she had ice cream but not for kids who acted like my daughter was acting, and cue second wave of meltdown, and then both women saying directly to my daughter that children who act that way don’t get ice cream. I think. It all happened quickly and the exact play by play is not AT ALL the point.

Anonymous wrote:I personally wouldn’t say she has autism - that’s none of their business. I would say “please allow me to handle this” - and say that directly to the adults. I understand you were probably mid wrangle and brain flooded, but I think explaining her diagnosis to those not aware isn’t going to shut it down enough - it might even invite their greater wisdom.

This is helpful perspective. It seemed to shut down one of the commenters but it made the other one double down. I wondered later if she felt defensive, maybe, and like she had to up the ante with her tough love parenting advice. Maybe there is nothing I could have said that would have stopped her. I don’t know.

It’s a good point that my daughter doesn’t owe anyone the information about her diagnoses. I will think about this more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.

This is OP. I’m sorry my replies are quoting the relevant text. I didn’t realize there’s a difference in reply and quote now.

Hahaha no, I wasn’t standing around waiting for a cookie! But that makes me chuckle. She was screaming and flailing on the ground. I was trying to pick her up, but she’s over 50 pounds and didn’t want to leave, so I only got a few feet before I needed to put her down and readjust. She’s not easy to carry when she’s flailing like that. And I knew had to get across a parking lot, where I would need to put her down to unlock my car, and at that point she would run away, across a busy parking lot.

I decided it was safer to try to get her a bit calmer a few feet away from the cookie truck before I tried to carry her through the parking lot.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN HAS TO CALCULATE. Meanwhile the other women were lecturing her and taunting her about ice cream, which was escalating things.

I’ve BTDT! So 1, I don’t think their comments probably even registered with your DD. For good or for ill. When a kid is in the midst of that kind of meltdown they just aren’t hearing or understanding anything. 2, I probably would have (quickly) snapped at the women who were lecturing and quickly explained that my kid has autism and can’t control her meltdowns. In a tone of voice that strongly suggests your disapproval of them. Doesn’t need to take more than 10 seconds. But people need to know that their comments aren’t helpful or needed, and hopefully they “get it” for the next time they’re around a non-NT kid having a hard time. Again, when my kid is in that state nothing I say registers with him so I wouldn’t worry at all that he’d internalize that he can do whatever because of his autism.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.

This is OP. I’m sorry my replies are quoting the relevant text. I didn’t realize there’s a difference in reply and quote now.

Hahaha no, I wasn’t standing around waiting for a cookie! But that makes me chuckle. She was screaming and flailing on the ground. I was trying to pick her up, but she’s over 50 pounds and didn’t want to leave, so I only got a few feet before I needed to put her down and readjust. She’s not easy to carry when she’s flailing like that. And I knew had to get across a parking lot, where I would need to put her down to unlock my car, and at that point she would run away, across a busy parking lot.

I decided it was safer to try to get her a bit calmer a few feet away from the cookie truck before I tried to carry her through the parking lot.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN HAS TO CALCULATE. Meanwhile the other women were lecturing her and taunting her about ice cream, which was escalating things.

Are you saying people followed you away from the truck to keep admonishing you? It sounded like you stayed holding up the line. You don't need to get all the way to the car but just away from the crowd as much as possible. Just get her to a safe spot and wait for her to calm down. The plan to get her to the car and then knowing she was going to dart into traffic doesn't sound like a good one.

There are cards you can get that say something along the lines of my child has autism, therefore they might act like x, y, z. You can just hand them one and say nothing.

*aren’t quoting the relevant text

I personally wouldn’t say she has autism - that’s none of their business. I would say “please allow me to handle this” - and say that directly to the adults. I understand you were probably mid wrangle and brain flooded, but I think explaining her diagnosis to those not aware isn’t going to shut it down enough - it might even invite their greater wisdom.

Anonymous wrote:Why were you so focused on what they were saying and doing and not getting your daughter out of there? If you know only a cookie is going to save the day and there were no more cookies you needed to leave ASAP and not stand and listen to all the comments and feedback. Seems like you waited around hoping cookies would magically reappear given all the comments you heard. It sucks, my kid has ADHD and melts down inappropriately at times too, but I've never stood there getting feedback. If someone had anything to say about it I wouldn't even know.

This is OP. I’m sorry my replies are quoting the relevant text. I didn’t realize there’s a difference in reply and quote now.

Hahaha no, I wasn’t standing around waiting for a cookie! But that makes me chuckle. She was screaming and flailing on the ground. I was trying to pick her up, but she’s over 50 pounds and didn’t want to leave, so I only got a few feet before I needed to put her down and readjust. She’s not easy to carry when she’s flailing like that. And I knew had to get across a parking lot, where I would need to put her down to unlock my car, and at that point she would run away, across a busy parking lot.

I decided it was safer to try to get her a bit calmer a few feet away from the cookie truck before I tried to carry her through the parking lot.

THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT A PARENT WITH A CHILD HAVING A MELTDOWN HAS TO CALCULATE. Meanwhile the other women were lecturing her and taunting her about ice cream, which was escalating things.

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Offering “she has autism and your comments are unhelpful” helps provide busybodies the proper context for them to bite their tongues b/c they don’t understand.

But it takes away from dealing with the child to stop and talk to others. I think people just want to be reassured that it's being dealt with. If you're standing there talking to other adults, trying to explain and rationalize, then the kid isn't being dealt with. The child need to be removed from the situation more than everyone else needs a discussion about what's going on. It's really none of their business but standing there looking helpless invites people to start offering their unhelpful opinions or advice.

I disagree. Offering “she has autism and your comments are unhelpful” helps provide busybodies the proper context for them to bite their tongues b/c they don’t understand.

Those situations are the worst. You’re trying to call your kid down, you’re embarrassed and ppl around you are making it worse. Let’s start with the food truck lady messing up because she didn’t have enough cookies. Your kiddo was disappointed after having waited. Waiting is rough for kids in the spectrum. She was likely also going for overstimulated and all of that together can easily lead to a meltdown. You did nothing wrong.
If DS melts down in public and ppl try to help, I tell them through gritted teeth, “he’s having an autistic meltdown. If you actually want to help, can you not talk to him?”

This is OP. Thank you anonymous internet stranger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work with your child on accepting “no” and accepting changes, ignore adults that don’t understand.

This is OP. Of course we’re working on those those things. I can’t ignore adults who don’t understand if they are approaching my child and speaking directly to her! That’s the point here. One approached her, and the other got her attention and then spoke to her from the truck.

You can totally ignore the adults. Just scoop her up and say "time to go!"